We just received an invite to a “Black Tie” wedding. Dh and I were kind of on the fence about going - Covid situation, would require two plane fares (dh not keen on flying b/c of Covid situation), hotel stay, etc. Thus, not really comfortable going and not an inexpensive endeavor for us. We are close and long-time friends of the groom’s parents. We knew the invite was coming and had thought we would probably go, but then the Covid situation ramped up again.
However, I have to say that one of the things that really tipped us into the, “no,” column was the fact that the wedding is black tie. My dh does not own a tuxedo. He does not really care to buy or even rent one either. It just adds to the cost what would already be an expensive weekend for us.
Are we alone in the fact that because of a black tie dress code we are disinclined to attend?
Your husband can wear a dark suit. I used to plan events for a college foundation. Black Tie is often used to make sure people don’t bring kids. I don’t believe most brides expect people to incur a large travel bill to attend a wedding.
Today, I would love a black-tie invite because yesterday I was trying on MOG dresses for son’s wedding and found the most gorgeous ball gown for $60! It’s way too extra for ds’s wedding, but I loved it.
But, yeah, that’s a lot to deal (renting a tux, Covid) with and wouldn’t feel bad at all about declining.
I’ve only been invited to one “Black Tie” wedding.
It was my husband’s very good friend. I told him it was ok to just wear a suit, but he thought it would be funny to wear my uncle’s tuxedo.
Very nice and expensive but a little big and about three inches too short in the arms and legs. I didn’t want him to do it, but he was indignant about it being black tie and he and the groom have that kind of relationship where it would be ok.
I have heard of weddings where the couple is insistent that the men wear tuxedos, but usually that’s not the case. My college friend always dreamed of it, but luckily somebody talked her out of it.
It would certainly factor in for whether I wanted to attend, though, especially if it meant extra expense like buying a new dress on top of traveling, etc.
Weddings seem so over the top these days, with after parties and brunches. Between the plane, hotel and car rental, we would spend close to $2k attending, so we attend very few out of town.
This is from, “The Knot.” From May of 2020 so a fairly recent article.
The wedding is at the Austin Country Club. On their wedding website under FAQ’s - “What should I wear?” It reads, “Black Tie!”
Yes, I would also have to buy a dress. The only thing that I have that is remotely close is the dress I wore two years ago to this young man’s brother’s wedding where the designated dress code was, “cocktail.” Don’t want to repeat the same dress to the brother’s wedding, and it isn’t long. I do think women have more flexibility with men with a black tie dress code, but I would feel uneasy about wearing a short dress - even if it were a nice cocktail dress.
So…unless “optional” followed “black tie” then I would assume that is what is expected and wanted.
Would it make a difference to me as to whether to attend. Most likely! The older I get the more money we have, but the less into meeting inflexible expectations of others I get.
I’d send a gift and skip the event. (Unless, of course I was really, really close with the bride or groom.)
I’d go only if I really wanted to (and could justify the $2000 weekend vacation). I never feel an obligation to accept an invitation and consider it just that, an invitation and not a demand.
My daughter is going to a wedding at the Four Seasons Disney World in December. Rooms are $400-$800 per night. There was a block of rooms at a discount but they were gone before my daughter and her friends knew about them so they’ll all be staying elsewhere (but there will be a $50 parking fee, I’m sure). Daughter is most interested in seeing all their friends from college, but it will be a very expensive weekend.
If you think it will be $2000 of fun, go. If you want to see old friends and enjoy getting dressed up, go. Would you go if it was just a ‘regular’ wedding? If so, I’d probably go and not worry too much about the black tie part (but of course dress up). The other costs (flight, hotel, rental car) would be the same if it were a BBQ in the park or the big do at the country club.
If you decide not to go, don’t feel too bad about it. I think families know that there could be a low yield on acceptances for those that are far away… just don’t want anybody to feel left out if indeed they are able to make it.
We have been to quite a few black tie and black tie optional weddings and I am with @123Mom123 that unless it says “optional” my H would wear a tux and I’d wear a long gown.
If you decide to go, check out Macy’s online for tuxedos. My son recently bought one on sale for $150. It is a modern, trim cut one (sold as separates, so no need for alterations), he wore a normal white shirt with French cuffs and black bow tie. Way cheaper than a rental.
I should have clarified. We have already decided we aren’t going for several reasons - not just the dress code.
I guess I was just wondering if an invite reading, “Black tie,” had ever been a factor considered by others in making attendance decisions for weddings.
My husband is always excited to be able to wear his tux as it is timeless; he does have to decide which of his old suits to wear! If it says optional, he is wearing his tux.
Funny story, we were invited to a friends daughter’s wedding about 10 years ago and neither one of us looked at the invite again after it arrived. Husband got dress in his tux, me in a cocktail dress as my husband said it was black tie optional. We walk into the location, and while I was fine in my dress, no one was in a tux, not even the servers for dinner! My husband was ribbed all night by friends, and everyone had a good laugh!
I was always taught it was better to be overdressed than underdressed, but this may have taken it to a new level.
I can’t recall ever being invited to a black tie event. It’s a good thing—H doesn’t own a tux and the only one he’s ever rented was for our wedding decades ago. Some of my sibs and ILs own tuxes. H rarely even wears his suit, so any tux he had would gather dust. S had a black tux for band and loaned it to neighbors for them to wear to the proms.
I think you are wise to opt to skip this event and perhaps celebrate next time you and grooms parents are able.
D1 specifically asked men not to wear tux because she didn’t want them to look like wait staff. Many women were in long gowns, and men wore dark suits.
