I have divorced parents, and my dad is very supportive of my choice to apply to boarding school. My mom, on the other hand, goes back and forth on how she feels about it. I would be going across the country, so distance and not seeing me is something that concerns her most. Sometimes she says that I’m leaving to escape problems at home (referencing my parent’s divorce mostly), but I honestly want to go to boarding school for other reasons besides that, and I have told her so. Every time we talk about me going, she starts off angry and I have to persuade her to calm down and explain to her why I want to go. In the end of our discussions, she seems to accept that boarding school is what I really want, but we will go for weeks without taking about it. I have already toured and applied, and I am waiting to hear back from the schools. I am just scared that she will change her mind again after I hear back from schools and not allow me to go. How do I convince her once and for all that boarding school is the best option for me and that it is what I truly want?
Is the cost of the boarding school a factor (even if she does not want to say it)? Divorces can be very damaging to the finances of both ex-spouses, especially if they continue to pay lawyers to sue each other.
Is it possible that you are a pawn in whatever fights your parents are still fighting about? If so, then going to boarding school may change the power relationship between them with respect to you.
Finances are not going to be a problem for her thankfully. I do think my parents’ dislike of each other factors in to their views on the situation, and when I brought that up to her she got pretty mad. About the last part, I think that is true and that when I am at boarding school (hopefully), my parents won’t be able to put me in the middle of their fights. I’m just hoping to think of a way to talk to my mom about boarding school, or possibly have a meeting with both my parents (they haven’t spoken in person for a very long time), but I just don’t know what it best.
@cmb428: Was your mom there with you when you toured?
No she wasn’t. My parents don’t get along, so my dad took me over winter break. But my uncle went to the school I am applying to and has told her lots about it.
If you are accepted, maybe invite her to take you to revisit day(s). Hopefully, that would both allow her to see how great BS can be for you and make her feel like SHE’S part of the process, and it’s not just your dad’s thing. Make it clear you really want her to be a part of the whole thing.
As a divorced, cross-country, BS parent myself, maybe I can understand a little bit of what your mother is feeling. One of the worst aspects of divorce is the reality that you will be apart from your kids more than if you had stayed married. No matter what the custody arrangements are, there will be times in your kids’ lives that you miss. This dynamic is compounded by having a child away at school. Vacations & long weekends are divided up, which can be stressful even with the best planning and intentions. I know that my DD’s time at home over Christmas was stressful for her, because she was trying to balance the time spent with each of her parents, as well as seeing her friends. So, at least from my POV, the “time missed” aspect is a big one for divorced parents. I think that if you are sensitive to this dynamic, it may help in your discussions with your mother.
However, I will say that there is a silver lining. My DD (I think, she would not admit this) probably feels more in control of her time/schedule/life by being away from home. Her schedule isn’t dictated by her parents (whose weekend it is etc.) it’s dictated by her school. Even in an amicable divorce like ours, children of divorce can feel pulled in a million different directions, when really they just want to call their own shots.
Of course, I don’t presume to understand the dynamic in your home and I certainly can’t speak for your mother. But like @Daykidmom says above, try to reassure your mother that she’s part of the process, not just your dad. Help her understand that this decision is about you, and not about “choosing” your father over her, because he supports it and maybe she doesn’t (I’m just guessing here, but I could see myself feeling that way, in one of my lower moments).
Divorce is not easy on kids and I don’t think that going to boarding school makes is easier OR harder, it just shifts the dynamic a bit, which could be a good thing for you. Be strategic here, and try to alleviate your mother’s concerns while sticking up for yourself. This is your education & your life, and I’m sure that she loves you and wants to support you. Invite her to the revisit days, and maybe ask your dad to skip them since he’s already on board. Include her in this important life-decision, and maybe she will change her perspective. Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you like.
I actually think that it can make you personal situation much, much better. If you are feeling consistently put between them some geographic distance can really help you. You will have your own neutral ground at school which is neither your mom’s or your dad’s. I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you all for the replies! It’s been extremely helpful!
It’s a stereotype that boarding schools enroll lots of children of divorce. They don’t, or at least, at this point in time I wouldn’t say that there are more children of divorce in boarding schools than you would find in a typical high school.
One advantage for you would be the ability to hang out with friends without arranging multiple schedules. (To preserve your anonymity, don’t respond with details of your personal living arrangements.)
The children of divorced friends we’ve known have tended to split their time between two parents’ houses. In the city, this might not matter, but outside the city it’s very complicated to keep track of where a friend might be at any time. As many schools require students to complete group projects these days, this is not only a question of where you choose to hang out.
Another advantage would be the ability to forge an identity for yourself which is not “cmb428, whose parents are divorced.” In a boarding situation, your parents’ situation does not influence whether you can try out for the play, or if you can make it to lacrosse practice. Many of your classmates won’t know or care about your parents’ situation. What will matter is how you behave every day in the school.
Of course, the family dynamics can be tricky, and I don’t have advice for you there. If your fathers’ parents are contributing to tuition, this is one of the few ways they can contribute to your future without the gift to you being potentially influenced by whatever financial setup arose from the divorce settlement (if they’ve managed to secure one.) If your mother is peeved because the financial settlement requires your father to contribute to schooling, but his parents are contributing to his obligation, try telling her “it makes me happy to know that my grandparents care about me. I don’t see them as much as I used to, and I miss that. It helps to know that although the adults may be angry with each other, they all love me.”
Skype is a great way to talk. Have you tried it? Being away from home is much different than it used to be before Skype, email, texting, etc. If you get in to a school you like, ask the school to recommend parents who keep in touch with their children over long distances.