Andover school newspaper, the Phillipian, is supposed to be student run, advised by faculty members but independent from school admistration’s official influence. It used to cover some on campus controversies from time to time. Those articles did have a shocking effect sometimes and needed to be read within the context. They however sometimes were used by people outside the school community as weapons to attack the school. Not sure if I am right on this, but in recent years, Ive seen the paper losing that “sharp edge”, which to me is a loss. The school wide survey fortunately has survived. And I think Exeter started something similar as well.
My experience as a parent has been like @GoatMama 's above in post 73. Shortly after M10 I connected with the parents of a kid who would be a teammate with DC at Andover and that connection helped immensely as we navigated the new parent experience. Also helpful was connecting with other parents at orientation and athletic contests. The parents of my kid’s older teammates have been absolutely super about welcoming our family, giving us their contact info and readily answering questions that have come up over the months. More than just sharing info, these parents have become friends and this helps me feel more a part of my kid’s school experience. I am incredibly thankful for this!!!
I would not look for any nefarious hidden messages in this; simply that, IMO, new student leadership sometimes results in a slight shift.
I think @Charger78’s early comments are very important. At every school a percentage of the student body will not be thriving and on top. That’s important to digest. Also… publishing criticism on the internet is to be done with caution and respect for the relationships people are maintaining IRL.
This is a great discussion. Thank you for all the honesty and the “deep dive”!
I once asked an admission officer how a family can meaningfully distinguish a school from its closest peers. His answer was that each school has its own body of rules and customs, which can vary greatly from school to school. Indeed, I have come to conclude that apart from direct, on-campus observations, rules and disciplinary policies may provide us with the most telling insights into a school’s culture.
I can tell you that our family has seen both ends of the disciplinary spectrum. Fefekid2’s school is very permissive, while Fefekid1’s school was extremely regimented and oppressive. As one might well imagine, Fefekid2 loves her school, while Fefekid1 (and many of her classmates) hated hers.
Here are some of the policies–both stated and unstated–and their related observable outcomes that our family found objectionable in Fefekid1’s school:
**The school viewed students as potential offenders who needed to be policed, effectively creating an “us versus them” atmosphere.
**Senior proctors were used not as supportive mentors, but as cops and informants, in an effort to “divide and rule.”
**Proctors were criticized by some faculty for not issuing enough judicial citations–for, essentially, not making quota.
**Some power-crazed proctors were forever writing judicial citations, imposing a petty “reign of terror” wherever they went.
**Certain favored proctors were even above the law–when one actually threatened to beat up another student, the school ignored the incident.
**Collective punishment was used by faculty: “If this infraction occurs again, the whole dorm wing will be punished.”
**The school’s hardhearted, unforgiving inclinations contributed to a tendency on the part of some students to scapegoat peers who had incurred the administration’s disfavor.
**The school’s authoritarian culture contributed to a tendency on the part of some student leaders to be bossy and pull rank: “I’m captain, so you have to do what I say.”
** While the school ostensibly encouraged students to advocate for themselves, a student who dared to speak up was viewed as a complainer, as someone who “doesn’t support the school” (whatever that means).
**While faculty advisors were charged with advocating on the student’s behalf, they just as readily put the administration’s interests first–or simply remained aloof and unsympathetic in the face of an advisee’s concerns.
**In the event that a student turned for advice or counsel to a faculty member who had not been officially vetted and given the title of “advisor,” the administration stepped in and terminated those advisory relationships.
**The school’s vindictive atmosphere even gave rise to the occasional act of faculty vigilante justice–in a fit of indignation, one faculty member picked up a student’s back pack and threw it against a wall, rendering the enclosed computer inoperable as a result.
**No matter what the issue, the student was always at fault and always to blame–the faculty and administration were, by definition, infallible, and their response to a student’s struggles was invariably: “So, you’re having a hard time? Well, fix it!”
Moreover, the school’s oppressive environment encouraged a certain callousness among students. For example, my wife and I were repeatedly appalled by the behavior of students who congregated on the dormitory main staircase on Friday nights (while waiting for a food delivery or a ride). Notwithstanding that we were obviously intending to proceed upstairs, seldom did one of these stair-sitters take the trouble to allow us to pass. We ended up having to negotiate a human obstacle course of students who, to the extent they even registered our presence, gave the appearance of being inconvenienced.
I can tell you that this was one unhappy school. I would advise families to closely observe the students at schools under consideration. While students may not be willing to voice their dissatisfaction, their faces usually don’t lie.
Good point, @jdewey . From what I have seen, it is just as often the kids at the top of the class academically who are not thriving as those at the bottom.
Lots of people leap to the conclusion that kids are unhappy because they aren’t doing well and can’t handle not being top dog. That definitely happens to some. But kids at the top may feel extraordinary pressure to stay there or they may be tormented by jealous classmates. I have seen that as well.
In support of these observations, it seems that most kids who receive disciplinary action have some sort of leadership status in the BS community.
@DonFefe , You’re obviously a loving dad, yet you left your daughter at a school that obviously had some major problems with its culture. I’m curious as to what was good about the school that compensated for the negatives and made you feel it was OK for your daughter to be there despite the problems.
@twinsmama, that’s a good question, and I’ll try to answer it as best I can.
Thinking back, I’m having a difficult time coming up with anything that was good about the school that compensated for the negatives. I will say that in my daughter’s junior year a new teacher arrived who took an interest in her–and essentially redeemed the experience for her. By the time she was a senior, her interest in learning was restored and she was reasonably happy–though the issues I detailed in my prior post remained. Yes, have no doubt that one teacher can make all the difference in the world. About the only other factor that made the school tolerable was that it was close enough to our home that we could attend the kid’s games and recitals. In fact, proximity was the only reason we applied to this school, and to two other nearby schools (where my daughter was waitlisted).
I shudder when I think back on the many phone calls we received from my daughter in which she begged us to bring her home. It was devastating to realize that notwithstanding our best efforts to do right by our child, that we had somehow made a disastrous mistake. One feels so helpless and ineffectual–and even, at times, utterly confounded and desperate. And, needless to say, sympathy and understanding were in short supply at this school. I recall moving-in day for my daughter’s junior year. Her advisor happened to be on check-in duty, and when we expressed our concerns to her, this woman got up from her chair, walked over to my daughter, who was by then quietly sobbing, and put her face up to the kid’s and asked quite matter-of-factly, “What are you doing here?”
Of course, we offered to let her attend the local public high school, but that scene was hardly better. Witness that violence at the public school was not just threatened–it was carried out. A girl we knew from town softball was punched by another girl and sustained a broken nose–in eighth grade, no less! Many kids at the high school were evidently bullied, and a girl right on our block was pulled out of the school out of concern for her safety. And there were other serious issues with that school, as well. So, in my daughter’s eyes, the public school was not an option.
Perhaps the best answer to your question is that we were not knowledgeable enough at the time to know how best to get her out of there. Our need for significant financial aid and the dreadful experience we had securing adequate aid from this school effectively skewed our transfer strategy to our manifest detriment. We figured that only the richest (and most selective) schools would be able and willing to deliver the aid we needed–so we didn’t even consider any modestly endowed “second tier” schools. Regrettably, my daughter’s score on the math section of the SSAT somehow turned out to be so bad (forty points lower as a sophomore than as an eighth-grader) that, in the end, we did not even bother submitting any applications to these impossibly selective schools.
I should add that while we had some hints early on that there was something amiss at the school, we did not know the extent of the problem until the spring of her freshman year. So, I would caution inexperienced parents that it can be very difficult to form an accurate assessment of a school over the course of a visit and a re-visit. It really can take a few months. And be assured that I have described the school’s culture in general terms. I have not shared the specific affronts and indignities that my daughter had to endure over her time at the school.
Yet, in retrospect, the problems we had with the director of admissions and financial aid should have made it clear what we were getting ourselves into. It all started on interview day. My daughter’s half of the interview apparently went extremely well, as the director spoke of her in the most glowing terms, all but spelling out that my daughter was admitted. As we were concerned about financial aid, I raised the matter early on in our meeting. But before I had gotten to my second sentence, the director waived my question aside, assuring us that my daughter would receive the aid she needed. When I attempted to raise the question a second time towards the close of the interview, the director peremptorily pronounced: “I make all decisions on financial aid, and I give you my full assurance that your daughter will be funded.”
So, on the evening of March 9 we received a phone call from the director stating that “of course” my daughter was admitted. The next day the official letter arrived. I was using a computer in the public library when my daughter walked in with the envelope. I was stunned to see tears in her eyes. She said, “Papa, they didn’t give us enough financial aid. I can’t go.” Indeed, the offer was $30,000 short of what we needed. So, I wrote a letter to the director, and we eventually received a second offer–now we were only $25,000 away.
As we had no alternatives, I proceeded to go into desperation mode. I got in contact with the esteemed and influential trustee who had phoned us on March 10 to encourage our acceptance of the offer, and explained our situation. I then wrote another letter to the director, in which I implored her to do better for us. Then, still without a third offer in hand, we attended re-visit day–and that was where I was apparently able to make an effective case. I managed to button-hole every person who could conceivably have any influence on the director and, swallowing my last shred of pride, beseeched them for assistance. Essentially, I made myself such an embarrassment, such a pain in the butt, that we finally received a reasonable offer. It wrung every last cent out of us–but we were able to make it work.
Of course, tuition was raised in every succeeding year, and in only one instance did they increase our award to cover the differential. We even had to borrow to meet the tuition one year. As one might imagine, the director of admission and financial aid barely looked at us again.
“Lots of people leap to the conclusion that kids are unhappy because they aren’t doing well and can’t handle not being top dog. That definitely happens to some. But kids at the top may feel extraordinary pressure to stay there or they may be tormented by jealous classmates.”
This can be true. Also, I’ve seen cases where the student might be performing well academically, because he/she poured every waking moment into studying but wasn’t thriving. It had nothing to do with jealous classmates and more to do with little balance in the student’s life and lack of focus on other aspects of boarding school life such as community engagement and a social life. I’ve seen top performers who also seem to be doing well socially but are on mood enhancing drugs and anti-depressants, who have eating disorders, cutting behavior, etc.
Of course, this stuff is true everywhere, not just boarding school. One thing that is different about boarding school is living in such close quarters with your fellow students 24/7. Given that, one is bound to be aware of and witness more things than you’d normally be aware of with your peers in public or private day schools.
As far as previous comments about some students being sent home on a health leave, it may sound callous to some, but is really for the best. A competitive, fast paced environment, where one usually has a roommate isn’t conducive to getting healthy. For example, there have been studies that show eating disorder behaviors can be contagious.
Check out an article in the Harvard Crimson from May 1968 " Notes on the Prep School underground at Exeter & Andover. You can google it. Interesting what the students were attracted to for recreational activities & their cliques — puts things in perspective ;)…, sorry I don’t have link handy, but someone will find it via Google.
@DonFefe , I understand better. We might well have done the same, especially if our public high school were unsafe. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope it serves to counterbalance the happier boarding school reviews and to warn parents to be careful in assessing the school culture – something that is difficult to do from a distance or based on superficial and controlled encounters.
@DonFefe’s review would be a lot more helpful if it named the school. Sounds like a terrible place no one would want to send their kid to - would you? Surprised that school is still in business…
Going back to the original theme…“vibe” is what drove SMS way up DS’s list…I applaud those who are going to make it work without seeing schools, because I can totally relate --there were several that we just couldn’t see and a few that we did see when there were no students, so could not get a great sense for the overall culture of the school and student body. @DonFefe ‘s story is every parents’ nightmare…and given we don’t have much in the way of options here, either, not sure how I’d handle that situation. I’m just glad she’s none worse for the wear…I definitely think gut feeling on revisit days for those with a choice is key. I’m feeling even better about not having a choice because DS fell in love with the vibe of his school! Thanks to the gurus who always give great advice on certain points to look for and also to those who provide humorous banter…makes my transition to BS mom less scary. Y’all make me feel like I already fit right in! And now I’m going to go read up on the handbook, rules and procedures! 
Thanks, that makes me feel so much better! I’d love to PM you and further our conversation.
Please forgive my reluctance to divulge the name of the school. While I am generally inclined to offer all possible advice and assistance to anyone who asks, in this case I don’t believe that the name will be of much help. This is a somewhat obscure school, whose popularity among stateside families has been in decline in recent years. It has really become a school for local day students who win scholarships, and for international students, who represent a very large percentage of the student body.
According to one disgruntled faculty member (who finally couldn’t hold on any longer and quite unceremoniously fled the place just prior to the start of school this year), the school is strained financially to the breaking point. He claimed that the trustees were largely in the dark, and, of course, the administration is feckless and manifestly in over their heads.
Actually, I posted our experience not so much to tip off prospective families, as to provide some insight into what a bad school feels like. As I related, we did not readily pick up on the clues that were available to us. I suppose we sincerely wanted to believe in the school, and it was our first boarding school experience so we were swept up in the excitement of something new. Perhaps parents who have read my post will be able to apply our experience to their own situations, and, hence, make more informed choices.
I should add that I believe there were some students in my daughter’s class who sincerely enjoyed their time there. A few students even went on to fine liberal arts colleges. I cannot legitimately claim to speak for all parents of students who attended this school while my child was there. As always, reasonable minds can differ.
And keep in mind as well, that your situation may be like ours: this school may be a bad option, but it still may be the best one you have. Good luck to all.
@Atria, just by reading our postings I feel you might like a larger and more diverse school than Middlesex. You seem quite out going and a larger student body would most likely suit you better. In the school I am now, I see the kids with a very large personality dont like the school as much as the rest of us.
@wannaboard Are you at Middlesex? or at a similar school?
I am at a pre-BS now and next year going either to Exeter or Deerfield (havent decided yet). My school sends kids everywhere so you pretty much know what each school is about and who likes what. I hear (and have seen) the largerst issue with kids not fitting in to the school they are in is size…some like small and cozy and some larger and more diverse. My concern for Atria is she might want a larger more diverse school…plus Middlesex is very Boston and can get very empty on some weekends.