OMG I’m so sorry… that is horrible. My heart goes out to them. We have had some interaction with Exeter and to my DS, they have been rigid and unrelenting. While I understand where @PapaSmurff is coming from, and I respect that, I feel Exeter can’t sweep this under the rug. They have to take some responsibility. I’m going to attend the webinar as I’m curious about what they will say.
Of course I can’t begin to guess at the reasons, which I am sure are complex, and ultimately none of my business…I will say that I have read the obit and, at least there, seems that he liked being at Exeter - perhaps if the family felt the school deserving of blame, they would not have specifically included his favorite classes and school activities. But again, I do not know, and I am sure it is very complicated and multifaceted as these things always are, and ultimately a terrible tragedy for the family, and a promising young life cut way too short.
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None of us can speak to what happened to the poor kids from Exeter and Lawrenceville unless we knew them. However, maybe we can consider what trends have dominated over the past 15 years or so that might be contributing to the increase in suicides among adolescents and the public at large.
Two that come to mind are the explosion of social media and the rapid decline of traditional religious participation, which in this country mainly means a dramatic decline in Christian observance, church attendance and the like. There are others one could mention, of course.
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I don’t want to comment on the student’s reasons for taking his life but the family has been very close with the Exeter community every step of the way in the aftermath and does not blame the school at all from what they have expressed to the community. Also, the school has been incredible with how they have handled this terrible tragedy.
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I am so saddened hearing about these 2 events at 2 different schools ( our child has applied to both for next year ). While I have no doubt that there are many complicated issues that are unique to each circumstance, it does give me pause to ask how do we ensure we stay connected to our child when they are away at school. How did these children fall under the radar, and how do all the schools make this a priority? We are attending the webinar and happy that they are addressing it. Does anyone know if the schools are banning together to share learnings and address this with shared interest as children do know each other across the schools personally and competitively?
There were 2 suicides last spring at Darien high school, among others, so this is not something that only happens when kids are away from home.
I encourage every parent to keep communication open with their kids, encourage their kids to be alert to friends who are struggling, to ensure that their kids have access to counseling and support as needed, and to do every else they can to create a community where kids don’t feel isolated and hopeless.
@Sroo , definitely ask all the questions you can to make sure you understand what challenges your child may face and how you can be there for them. Make sure your child knows that you will always put their mental health first. Make sure they know how to access resources on campus and through your insurance.
Schools want and need parents as partners in mental health care, and few of us know quite how to do that. This is a tragedy that has become all too common.
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Lawrenceville launched a full investigation into the first incident that happened (the one from last spring).
There have been TWO suicides at Lawrenceville? Last spring and recently (2023)??
I believe there was also one last spring at the LPS in Lawrenceville.
One thing we have learned throughout our BS experiences with our children—there is much less adult interaction than what we anticipated. Perhaps it’s the schools our children have attended (medium to larger size schools), perhaps some of it is driven by all of the sexual assault cases from years past and/or because of Covid but the lack of personal interaction with advisors and dorm parents has been disappointing and concerning in the high pressure world BS kids live in. One of our current BS children feels they have a go to adult or two. The other sadly does not but feels ok about it because of close friends. We check in often via text and FaceTime and because they are athletes we travel to see a few games each season even though their schools are 8 hours away. I think an excellent question for parents to ask schools are how much and what type of interaction the schools have in place to establish relationships with students, how they monitor them and how they communicate with parents. We hear from our children’s advisors twice at most a semester—not enough—especially when one was struggling a bit academically and the other was experiencing some personal issues that we alerted an advisor to yet nothing was done (thankfully our child worked through it). The smaller schools often tout themeselves as more high touch, which in hindsight would have been appealing to one if not both of our children and us as parents, even if some of these schools weren’t considered as “prestigious”. There are so many great schools out there, make sure you’re truly focused on finding the right fit, not just the right name.
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I second this.
One of mine went to a large bs. One to a small bs. Kids aren’t supervised at either. Sure they have a faculty advisor but Covid ended that for faculty who were/are Covid terrified. Or maternity/paternity leaves can affect how present faculty is.
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It can be hard to know how involved faculty are. A few weeks ago one of my daughters was on the phone with me crying because of the workload and stress and anxiety and (fill in the blank). I was reassured when one of the dorm parents heard her, knocked on the door and took control of the situation. Maybe this one was an easy call because of the crying, but I’ve had conversations with teachers, advisors and administrators where they discussed details about my daughter’s experience that aligned well with what she was telling me. The culture of the school drives how adults interact with students. It was an important part of our decision process and difficult to figure out. The culture that works for my daughter may not work for others.
I’ve had several friends lose children to suicide and sometimes doing all the right things still isn’t enough. It happens in private schools, public schools, colleges and after school is done. While boarding schools do have a higher duty of care because of their residential nature, they can only minimize the number of these tragedies, never eliminate them.
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Why? We don’t know the facts surrounding this tragedy.
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It also depends on the adult. I’ve had four advisors in four years, all of whom have had different levels of involvement (thankfully, my favorite one is the one I have this year!). Obviously, as a day student, my parents have generally been able to keep a closer eye on me, but you still need to gel with your advisor enough to have that sort of relationship with them.
At Lawrenceville, advisors also do duty in the Houses they’re affiliated with (all their advisees are in that House), so I believe that’s how they keep an eye on the boarders. That said, once again, there are some teachers who you can just say “I’m checking in” and leave, and others who intentionally spark a conversation with you each night.
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So true, @confusedaboutFA . And the student! My kid really liked his advisor (for 4 years) BECAUSE he was pretty hands-off. I was somewhere frustrated by the lack of connection (and knowledge of which was going on), but DS preferred that. His CC, on otoh, was much more “forceful”, and they ended up with a very good relation, but that was in a difficult context.
My sense is that most BS believe that day student parents know whats going on. IME, not really so! Kids spend so much time at school, and the system is set up for students to be highly independent (and without tons of parental involvement) that it can become rather opaque.
I heard through the grapevine that this resulted in fewer applications to Lville this year. Don’t know if that’s true or not but there were a ton of accepts from DC’s middle school this year, which is not usually the case.
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They said they had the most number of applicants this year. Additionally, we just saw they are hiring a Dean of wellness.
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I applaud the hiring of a wellness director, all boarding schools should have one at this point…
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could just be hearsay… But…
Sounds like it is!
As for “lesser” students being admitted, one hears a lot of that with colleges too. Some kids present better on papers than the kid you know. Some offer things to a school you may not know about. But mostly, schools are picking for THEIR priority, not whether you think their priorities should be. Many people assume it’s simply academic prowess but because it’s a 24/7 community, academics are just one part of it.
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One could argue the same issue for exeter or so many other schools going through this horrific situation. All the kids we know going next year are at the top of their class including my daughter who had many choices. I truly hope there is a real commitment to the wellness of the children. Time will tell of course, but I am confident the students that we meet were impressive to say the least. My daughter is not on here but for any students that are and planning to attend next year. Hearsay does not define you or lessen your accomplishment.
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