Boarding School Tips!!

Prep School Admissions Prep School Cafe
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Hi guys, I wanted to start a thread where people can share previous experience and tips on going to boarding school:) Any information is welcome, from navigating the new lifestyle to what clothes to buy to other boarding school essentials!

I’m going to attend Exeter as a new junior, so if anyone here has any advice for that please feel free to send in some tips!

(if there is already a thread like this, please tell me and link it in this thread, thank you!)

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Here are some lessons I learned as an Exeter prep last year. Some of these might not apply during the term of online learning though:

  • Sign up for a billion clubs. You’ll filter out your favorite ones pretty fast.
  • Bring lots of socks. It’s gonna be cold and wet and muddy for half of the school year, so brace yourself.
  • Go trick-or-treating in town on Halloween. If you’re lucky, the candy supply will last you for the whole year (and I can’t emphasize how important food is in BS). And stock up on dorm snacks.
  • If you have a library project due in a day and don’t have time to go to the library, you can use its ebooks and other online resources (but also don’t repeat my mistakes)
  • Be creative in the dining hall. The food gets boring sometimes, and there are D-Hall Creations articles in the Exonian for inspiration. My personal favorite is putting cheese and spaghetti sauce on a bagel, then putting it in the panini press.
  • Get. Sleep.
  • Drink. Water.
  • Those two above are a no-brainer, but you’ll be surprised how many people forget about it.
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I’m a rising 3-year upper at Exeter. My advice would be:

  • Advocate for yourself. If there’s something you need or want, if you have an idea you’re really excited about, etc., make sure to speak up about it. Even if you think you’ll probably be told “no,” ask anyway, because if you say “no” to yourself you never give anyone else a chance to say “yes.”
  • As an extension of my first point, ask for help when you need or want it. This applies to academics, mental and physical health, extracurricular things, dorm stuff, pretty much everything. People really do want to help you. But you need to ask.
  • Exeter-specific: Explore the trails behind the sports fields if you have a chance. They’re really beautiful, especially in the fall, and a lovely peaceful and unhurried contrast to much of the rest of campus.
  • Echoing HappyCria on the sleep and drinking water points.
  • Try new stuff. Take courses on topics you know nothing about. Try new clubs. Don’t box yourself into whatever it is you already do.
  • Have the right balance of scheduled/full time and free time. The specific amount is sort of different for everyone, but you do really need some time to relax, spend time with friends, read books that aren’t for class/doodle/watch netflix/whatever it is that you find relaxing and enjoyable. If you never relax, you will be stressed, miserable, and burnt-out before the end of the term.
  • I’m going to say this of Exeter because I don’t want to generalize for school I don’t know well, but I think it may apply some other places too: There are very few stupid people at Exeter. There are a great many people who think they’re stupid at Exeter. Agonizing about being stupid because there are people who are better at something/lots of things than you are is not a fun or productive way to spend time. There are things that you’re good at and things that you’re not. You as a human are also more than the sum of your academic and extracurricular skills.
  • As an extension of my previous point, everyone (including you) at Exeter/whatever school is a human (at least as far as my sampling goes . . . perhaps there are a few cyborgs in the mix, but I haven’t met them yet . . . :wink: ). Everyone is flawed. Most people are nice and understanding. Everyone (including you) has made before and will at some point make mistakes. If they’re yours, apologize or do whatever can/should be done to fix them, and move on.
  • Annotate with some kind of pen or pencil that you can actually see during a discussion. It’s a lot harder to participate meaningfully if you spend half the class squinting at your markings.
  • In addition to having friends, it is really nice to have a few adults on campus whom you trust and feel comfortable asking for help if you need it.
  • Take care of yourself. Sleep, drink water, eat breakfast (and lunch and dinner), go to the health center if you’re sick, and don’t be afraid to reach out to friends, dormmates, or trusted adults if you’re having a rough day or week.
    Sorry if that’s kind of a lot, hope it helps!
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Here are some additional tips to add to the great ones above:

  • Do find your voice quickly in class - especially English & History. Do not hold back. Do not hold back because you are a First Year. There are students who will try to dominate conversations, who will interrupt you/others, “mansplain”, and position themselves as Harkness Hogs. Your grade may very well be influenced by how much you speak in class - just speak!
  • Office Hours -Do go to Office Hours. At some schools, this is where the real teaching happens. Unlike the local public school, Office Hours at BS is actually a power move for some kids instead of a life raft. You will most likely see other students there and, for some teachers, this is like a tutorial. Going to Office Hours also shows the teacher that you are invested in the course. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or clarification.
  • Know your resources for health, wellness, & counseling before you actually need them! Put the health center’s phone number in your contact list. Know where/whom to go to for counseling, also.
  • You are not married to your advisor (at least at most schools). So, if you are assigned to a clueless, indifferent, burned-out, or novice advisor who is not able to help you - then, make a change ASAP. For some students, this means enduring ineptitude for an entire year before you can change.
  • Do get involved with clubs - this is a great way to meet students in upper grades who can share great advice with you, in addition to being friends. Try to get involved in clubs and/or service organizations that also provide food, meals, or swag.
  • Don’t bring too much stuff to school the first term - your family can always send stuff to you and you can bring your winter stuff after break.
  • Make friends with students outside of your home-base bubble or your frame of reference. Take the advice from the rock group YES, and also from chess, don’t surround yourself with yourself. You didn’t come all this way just to hang out with the same type of people you could have stayed home for.
  • Try a new sport - don’t be afraid to try a new sport. This is also a great way to make friends. Many schools have 3rds and 4th teams where you can actually learn while you play. Now is the time to take risks and expand your interests. Plus, there are several sports offered at BS that are rarely offered back home in middle school.
  • Don’t take things too personally. You can’t control how other people behave.
  • Try not to compare yourself to others - “Comparison is the thief of joy”
  • See above. Be prepared for different types of competition at BS. Some schools have students that not only compete academically, but also tend to compete for popularity, sports, outrageous behaviors, attention getting, and even how they dress. Just let them do their thing and you be you.
  • Be brave enough to move on from friend groups that are not serving you well. For example, you may find yourself with dorm friends or kids from sports who you like to hang out with - but these same students might not work well for studying together - or may have priorities that are not in line with yours. You may find it better to study alone or with another group of friends. Be brave enough to do what you believe is best for you.
  • Be prepared to assess what you can control at BS and what you can’t control. Things that come under the category of what you can control include your mindset, how you react, your goals, how much you study, not over-eating at feeds, etc. You will learn pretty quickly that there are just some things out of your control at BS - usually stuff that involves the Academic Dean’s office.
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Check your email all the time. Most BS are not sending copies of every email to the parents so if you don’t attend to the “sign up for whatever” email, your parents won’t know and will not remind you to do it. You are on your own and lots of kids cannot handle this level of organization right away.

Similarly, check your assignment platform many times. Teachers post work at all times of the say and night and you not checking it after 8pm isn’t going to fly as an excuse for not having done the work.

Agree with the speaking up in class immediately. Also, if there is anything at all that you don’t understand 110% go ask the teacher. If you still don’t understand, go ask again. My daughter once said “I already asked and I didn’t really understand the answer” and I freaked out on her and yelled in the car for the whole drive to school that the reason I was paying both an arm and a leg for BS was so that she could ask the teacher 20 times if that’s what it took for her to understand. Sometimes kids need a little “they are there to help you” injected into them becasue normally kids are trying to be the pleasers in the student/teacher relationship.

Also, if you only barely understand it in class and it’s an honors class it is very likely to be harder on the test so understanding 110% is a very real necessity.

I disagree with the “sign up for everything” mentality. I think it’s super easy to get really overwhelmed with all the new activities and the new freedom. It’s ok to take things slowly and get involved in just one or two activites your freshman year. (If you are an older student then you need to jump in with both feet, sorry but you don’t have the luxur of time).

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Oh! I forgot. It’s ok if you don’t find your people/group until spring semester. Lots of kids go through phases and friends don’t really settle down until the end of the year. Of course, kids missed spring semester because of covid so maybe I should amend this to your second fall. So sad ?

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If you go to Andover or Exeter walk to local rail depot, take the train to Boston and explore the city

If you go to Choate, take the train to New Haven and explore Yale

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  • BUY INCREDIBLY FRILLY DRESSES
  • MAKE TIME FOR NAPS

thank you for listening to my TED talk :smile:

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More Tips!

If you check out my earlier post (above from Sept ‘20), you will find tips about speaking up in class right from the start. Now, many teachers are using an App that tracks how much time you are spending in the discussion or conversation. This has been utilized over the past few months with online/hybrid learning. Also at least 2 teachers we know have used a template to track discussion points a student has made.

Some kids come to prep school knowing how to posture and position. Things have heated up. Please share the salvos you may have heard/witnessed from Harkness Hogs this year. Here are some common openers that kiddo has heard fellow students say this year:
“I respectfully disagree with your point, PrepKidd”.
“ You were not clear on your argument and left out what Mr. XYZ taught us about…”
“I think you are forgetting the cultural context…”
“Your argument leaves out … (you choose words) considerations that in fact reflect your narrow (you choose words)”
“From my cultural perspective…”
“You missed the point completely…”
“What I heard you say…” (which is actually completely different from what the kid actually did say)
“I don’t think you made your point, maybe you can come back to us later with a reference” (when you actually did).

Feel free to add to the list to help out properties and new Harkness Hogs!

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I can offer some mundane advice:

Exercise, study, and eat healthy foods each day.

Avoid drugs & alcohol.

Focus on positives; avoid negative thinking.

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Thanks a lot!

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Haven’t posted in a while, but I thought I would revive this thread since school is starting soon.

Does anyone have advice on leaving home for the first time and finding “your place” at boarding school? I’m starting to get worried haha

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i JUST made a thread on this LOL

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So I’m a day student (though I went to a K-8 school so we all split up), but my main strategy was just getting involved in anything and everything that seems even somewhat interesting. I will say that I didn’t really have any real friend group until after the first parent’s weekend (mid-October) freshman year, and that can certainly be a worry, but once you get yourself “in the heat of things” it’s incredibly easy to just naturally meet people through mutual interests. Plus, since it’s freshman fall, academic pressure is generally lower (esp. if you’re at a pass-fail school), so you can focus heavily on meeting people, not to mention the “mandatory fun” events the schools often have.

To that end, I guess my main recommendation is: Avoid going to your room as much as possible.

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I have a few questions regarding the social aspect of boarding schools. Is it easier to make friends and socialize since you all live together? do most kids ever learn how to drive while at bs? Is popularity as big a deal or as obvious as it is at normal high schools? how is the boyfriend/girlfriend culture (are hookups more common or are actual relationships more common and if so do they last longer or shorter than typical high school ones?)

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@pr3psch00l - the answers to your questions will depend in large part to the school your student attends. There are different cultures at different schools.

Here are some answers to your questions:

  • Is it easier to make friends and socialize since you all live together?
    Yes and NO. This was very difficult during COVID restrictions. It also depends on your dorm and roommate situation. Some schools have all Freshman living together. Other schools have students of different grades living together. One theory is that if all the Freshman live together, they will have a cohesive class. I do not think this was the case at my kiddo’s school. I just don’t buy it. You should think about this when you look at schools.

  • Do most kids learn to drive while at BS? I don’t know of any BS these days that offers drivers ed. Most kids learn to drive while back home or over the summer. The age for permits/licenses vary by state.

  • Is popularity a big deal? This depends on the school, IMHO. I have seen and heard about cliques at different schools. Social media both drives it and reflects it. Unfortunately, there are some kids that know each other from JBS or their private schools, as well as hometowns. I think some schools are known for certain kids from certain zip codes. There are some kids that gain popularity for the wrong reasons - like supplying booze, drugs, sex. Some kids believe they will be popular if they engage in certain behaviors. This happens at your local high school, also. I do think that certain socio-economic, cultural, racial and international groups tend to stick together and exclude others. BTW, there are certain groups of kids who are too isolated with themselves and have their own cultural/country/regional organization. BS is an opportunity to meet students from different cultures, different backgrounds or countries. Embrace it. No more needs to be said.

  • Hookups are common - but depends on the school . One word: Scheme. It seems like there are some hit and runs. Also some typical hook ups between older students and younger students. I don’t see a lot of long term relationships - it’s not Happy Days, nor is it Gilmore Girls or Archies.

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I don’t think it’s easier or harder to make friends but it is different. First there is almost no adult supervision (this is something to consider if you are a parent who thinks that BS kids are actually supervised closely - they are not) so a lot of the interaction is totally kid driven. That can be great or it can be bad, it really depends on your situation. I do think it takes at least a year to find your friend group and because of Covid a lot of kids who started BS recently might be kind of floating still.

No to drivers ed, you’ll have to deal with that at home over the summer. Get on top of it soon if it matters to you because, in my area at least, it’s a lot of time and $$ to get your license.

Popularity is the same as it is in any large school and totally varies by BS. I do know schools where the popularity is more “standard” and my kid goes to one where it’s really not a huge deal.

Major hookup culture at every BS I know. If parents think there isn’t it’s because kids are not telling their parents what’s happening. When I say major I really mean it. Remember that unsupervised thing I mentioned before? There is almost total freedom in this area. Kids lock themselves in classrooms, go behind the gym, out on the fields. I don’t think there is a ton of pressure to hook up but there is a LOT of sexual activity. There are some couples who are “boyfriend/girlfriend” but that is definitely on the rarer side.

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Thanks for the reply! Are drugs, alcohol and vapes common among students? Do many choose to indulge in them and do most students who do get caught? Are kids typically having sex before they turn 16? How large is the age gap between the older students and younger students you mentioned? Do you see a lot of freshman with seniors?

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Do schools not have security cameras around the campus?

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Are drugs, alcohol and vapes common among students? Do many choose to indulge in them and do most students who do get caught?

Yes, yes, no. I’d estimate the proportion as roughly 30%. It’s important to note that you’ll only come into contact with substances if you’re actively seeking them out, though. (The Andover State of the Academy has information on substance abuse at that specific school, and I’d doubt there’s much of a difference between it and others).

Are kids typically having sex before they turn 16?

No. Maaaaybe 10% max. (Again, that survey from Andover has some data on stuff like that).

How large is the age gap between the older students and younger students you mentioned?

I’ve seen some 2 year age gaps (usually sophomore-senior), but only maybe 10 or so.

Do you see a lot of freshman with seniors?

I have never encountered a couple like that.

Do schools not keep cameras around the campus?

I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, but I’ve never noticed any; the school has never mentioned anything about cameras either.

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