Both my essays seem a bit... preachy

College Essays
1

I am currently working on my college application essays and have completed two rough drafts that I like a lot.
Essay 1 starts out with a humorous anecdote from when I was a toddler, and then expands on it using an extended metaphor. Essay 2 reflects a cultural change that happened when I moved from Michigan to North Carolina and the attitudes expressed towards other people in both places.

The problem is they both are related to personal anecdotes about injustice and discrimination and they come off as a bit preachy. They can also come off as a bit nebulous at times, but I did that for the purpose of drama. The second one that I just wrote may even be a bit controversial, especially considering where I live (western NC). Is this ok? I don’t want to make anyone angry but I feel like these are very important issues to me and they relate strongly to narratives of my life. Would anyone be willing to take a look at these and make some edits, and more specifically address the concerns I have? Both of the essays could work for any of the topics. Essay 1 is better because it has been proofread and rewritten a lot, but only by me. Essay 2 I literally just wrote and hour ago so it has had minimal proofreading and editing, but I still like it a lot.

The prompts I’m responding to are as follows;
Common App; Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. Use 650 words or less.
Yale Supplement; In this second essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything—from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. Use 500 words or less.
UVA Short Take 2 (Better with essay two, but it’s way to long so it will need to be cut a lot)- Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are. Use 250 words or less.
UNC-CH Supplement (Better with essay 1); Why do you do what you do? Use 400-500 words.

2

Anyone willing to read my essays???

3

I usually don’t read essays on here, but I’ll read them if you like.

4

I’ll read them. Just pm me

5

Uh, hate to break this to you, but your prompt for UNC is last year’s. This year’s prompts does not include that. http://admissions.unc.edu/admissions-blog/2015/06/01/fall-2016-application-essay-prompts/

6

Well damn. I didn’t see that. I guess I will have to write another essay.

7

you can PM me if you like.

8

Hi there. New member here. Essays were extremely difficult for my son and daughter (c/o 2010), so I want to provide some needed advice.

Here’s perhaps the underlying issue with your essays: neither seems genuinely about you as an individual. True, your experiences with injustice are those you dealt with on a first-hand basis, but an extended diatribe about these themes is not conveying to the admissions committee why they should admit YOU.

Admissions officers tend to be intellectual and liberal (especially at the elite schools to which you’re applying) so your essay will at best be preaching to the choir.

My kids, husband and I moved around a lot, and so my kinds were tempted to write about their experiences with cultures in other countries. Neither editor we worked with felt that was a good idea. And so I think you’re both taking a risk and failing to demonstrate your uniqueness as an applicant, and would strongly urge you to reconsider your choice in topic (even as you write a new one for the 2016 prompt).

Happy to help.