BS scaffolding/hand holding

In reference to Lawrenceville:

I think my school has been called “sink or swim” in the past, but I’d call it more of a mix. There’s support available—you just have to make sure you’re proactive in getting it for yourself.

Same. From what I remember, ours was a little less involved, but we definitely went over how to use the library, what consultation is, study methods, etc. Orientation here mainly centers around doing team-building activities on the ropes course.

We have peer tutors who come to the freshman dorms/library during study hall.

Freshmen have a semi-separate dining hall here. It’s basically a balcony over the main dining hall. Their housing is also different; it’s freshman-only, and the two dorms face each other with a large lawn (“The Bowl”) in between acting as a hangout spot. (Upperclassmen typically use different spaces instead).

Less true here. The advisory system, for instance, isn’t really a big part of most people’s life. They also got rid of the “Humanities groups” system, in which you had the exact same group of students in both your English and History classes freshman year (they were also the group you did orientation with), during Covid.

For all freshmen through juniors, 8:00-10:00. It’s in-room with doors open, phones outside for freshmen, but less strict for upperclassmen; they can go to the Library or work in the common room if they so wish.

If a student is falling behind, they’re usually alerted by a poor grade on a test/paper (in my experience, this most frequently happens when you didn’t go to consult…). The other way is during interims. Interims here are ungraded; instead, you receive either a “satisfactory,” “concerned,” or “potential failure,” along with a paragraph or two about your performance in the past few weeks. If you get a “concerned” or “potential failure” (rarely happens, and has never happened to me), I believe they have some stuff in place to work through that.

Freshman fall, you are graded pass/fail in your English, History, and Science classes, but graded in your Language and Math classes (this is because upperclassmen can be in the latter two). There is absolutely no semblance of grading throughout that term, from what I remember; assignments are graded on 1-4/pass-fail/literally anything but percentages or A-F. All assignments have rubrics, though, so you can generally tell what’s going on.

(day student speaking): The dorm common room and the Library.

Freshman year: through the House, through classes, and through mutual friends.
Later on: shared classes/extracurriculars/sports.

Yes! All the time. The Houses are all very old, too, so they have all these really cool traditions that we still partake in. A friend of mine’s grandfather went to {insert event} with who would eventually be his grandmother; over 60 years later, we’re going to the same one!

From what I remember, the first few weeks were really just meeting everyone you can and finding a few people that you got along with.

We’re very collaborative IME. Everyone studies together, helps each other out on assignments, discusses questions, etc.

Twice a week; once at lunch, once as a meeting.

2-strike school. Disciplinary infractions go to a DC (“disciplinary committee”). The people attending a DC are (my memory is fuzzy so I’m going to be a little vague to avoid misinforming):

  • The student
  • A few teachers, including the student’s Head of House, as well as any faculty member of the student’s choice (as their “support teacher”)
  • School Honor Rep
  • Two or three Honor Council members (a group of seniors selected by the Honor Rep and Dean of Students)

They hear the student’s case, have a debate about what should be done, and then send a recommendation to the Head of School as to what should happen. I forgot if the vote has to be unanimous or simple-majority, but DCs do go on until the case is resolved no matter what. You can receive a “major” (one of two strikes), a “minor” (this is new, so I’m not sure what it means), or a “letter of reprimand” (probation).

Here, students receive their term grades 3-4 days before their parents. Students are the only people with built-in access to assignment grades.

Same here.

That’s how I’d describe my school, too. I wouldn’t call that “sink-or-swim”; it just requires you to be responsible for your own learning (and not feel entitled to a certain grade).

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TLDR: Choate taught our son how to effectively self-advocate, how to swim not sink.

I would not say that Choate was high-touch after freshman year, but all of the expected and necessary supports were there, and students were taught how to access and use them. It was drilled into every student that it was a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help and help of every kind was always available. Like other schools, Choate had mandatory study period, Internet hours, and lights-out policies for freshman along with dorm parents, advisors, and coaches to ensure that every student always had a trusted adult to turn to. The Dean of Students during our son’s time there was also very involved and watched out for the welfare of the student body. I’m unaware of anyone falling through the cracks, although a couple of our son’s freshman dormmates left before graduation, one after freshman year and one after sophomore year, both due to adjustment issues where the support system “scaffolded” each until it was clear that both students would be happier closer to home.

We never thought about whether a school was nurturing or not. The only thing we looked for was an academic program that was better than the dismal options at home. We did not expect the school to provide much feedback to us, though it did, and we were invited to participate on the Parent Advisory Council which we accepted and attended through graduation. From that perch, we were well-informed and got an unvarnished behind-the-scenes view of the school three times a year directly from the HOS, head of Development, and deans. The information from those PAC meetings was disseminated to all parents via the school portal and e-mail.

To the charge that Choate is one of the “sink or swim” schools, our son didn’t find that. What he did find is that Choate had expectations that he would advocate for himself when necessary, BUT he was taught from the minute he set foot on campus what self-advocacy looked like and how to develop and use it. Self-advocacy is a critical life skill and part of the toolkit that BS students take with them to college and beyond. It enables them to consume their educations and their later professional and social lives at the highest levels. On a thread over on the main parents forum, one poster clearly described the effect of this skill, though she attributes it to wealth. I suppose BS could be a proxy for wealth, although certainly not all BS students are wealthy, so substitute “BS” for “affluent” and “rich” in her post:

Another potent difference I observed in college–

Kids from affluent families thought nothing about seeking help from “adults”. Asking a professor to review an outline before writing a paper; asking a TA for extra help before or after a “regular” review session; asking someone in the housing office to send a maintenance person over to the dorm, with a “punch list” of all the stuff that wasn’t working properly (hot water tap ran cold in the bathroom; broken window lock; missing cover to an electrical outlet in the dorm room).

I had never seen this in my life. At my big, urban HS teachers were to be avoided except during class. Guidance counselors were there as a last resort when you couldn’t get the classes you needed to graduate. And students didn’t presume that the janitorial staff, or administrators, or whatnot were there to help.

Affluent kids somehow knew how this stuff worked. These were the days of iceberg lettuce and a wilted cucumber called “salad” but one of the rich kids in my dorm asked for a meeting with the head of food services, and two weeks later, actual salads (with Boston lettuce-- something I had never heard of even though I grew up in Boston!) appeared. The broken stuff in our dorm magically got repaired. Rich kids didn’t wait to get a C on a paper to meet with the professor-- they were showing up at office hours on Day 1, being proactive, asking for help.

I thought the authority figure was the RA (she was 20). The kids who grew up in affluent homes understood the power structure.

I believe most boarding schools teach students to advocate for themselves, but I also think some schools view this skill as an expectation and focus on instilling it earlier than others, and some students are ready for it sooner than others. The charge that some of the BS are sink or swim does not seem an accurate description to me. Rather, I think some look for students who already demonstrate independence and then teach them quickly how to swim rather than sink.

Boarding schools have different approaches to instilling independence and look for students that match their approach. You know your student and what type of “floaties” they might require initially, so ask all those good questions @gardenstategal posed above, and find that school you think will provide the level of support your student needs.

Best of luck to everyone on M10!

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I’m curious, @confusedaboutFA, how many students have private tutors apart from regular academic support? I’ve been told that at top schools like Lawrenceville, many kids have tutors in almost every subject to stay ahead, and are up until 2-3 am. and if so, how does the school feel about it? Is it a no-no? I don’t get it personally… they do this where I live at the tippy top day schools. Do kids really need all that support? TIA!

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No one I know of.

I know maybe four people who are like this (none of them have tutors). Most of my friends typically sleep around midnight, maybe 12:30.

I know in my local day schools of DC, tutor use has proliferated. Some of the boarding school students may come from a high-tutor school culture.

it has been fabulous (i mean from her perspective - i do hear occassionally from her advisor in a group text or email w/ photos etc) -
maybe by child #3 i am burned out and i am not reaching out for any news and i assume no contact means all is good (and this child #3 almost never calls us - so i ask the advisor on occassion -all ok?)

the freshman program is very specific in terms of guidance (seminars on various topics) and tight knit freshman only dorms and freshman only advisory groups - this just helps everyone acclimate better/faster

there are support systems (mandatory freshman study halls, writing center/math center etc) - i believe you reach out to teachers if you need additional help etc

there are always kids at every school who cannot get into the format/structure either academically, socially or emotionally and that is hard to see bc they leave mid-term and sometimes come back and other times not. That is one thing i am surprised to see or hear about at multiple schools my kids and their friends attend. I dont mean transfer - i mean just leave abruptly

i def see the community of teachers/students as very tight at williston and my daughter loves it (and is killing it academically which prob boosts her confidence etc)

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I think there is a difference in the idea of tutor solely being one who helps a struggling student. I don’t think these are the types of tutors you are describing, rarely if that at all. Many times there has been discussions on these boards about some of these students having private tutors to get ahead in courses they have maybe not yet taken and/or are taking as a separate class from their BS (like a dual enrollment), or even things like test prep such as SAT, ACT, even AP. Those students are driven for over achieving where as I think it would be extremely rare, as I said, to find a student who is struggling and uses on campus resources during normal/pre-checkin hours to also stay up until 3 am nightly for tutoring in a topic they struggle in.

Schools definitely vary widely on the scaffolding, as I’ve written about several times before. Some schools are “there is help but the student will need to self-advocate to seek it” and some are “no kid will fall through the cracks here!” and then many shades of gray in between. My daughter started freshman year at a school that was very openly the first type (“for the independent self-advocate”) and then transferred to a school that is probably in between the two extremes. For us, there is no question that for a 13 or 14 year old kid, some scaffolding and adult support is our preference. While certainly a kid will gain independence if they have no other choice, my own take is that this kind of independence isn’t the same quality as independence gained over time with support systems peeling away bit by bit, coupled with mentoring and connection (to faculty and students). I should also add that by nature, I am a connector. I’m an introvert, but also, I deeply love being in relationships with others. So, my M.O. has probably trickled down to my kids, and thus made them better suited to a medium-scaffolded environment versus a “sink or swim” space.
I’ve told this story before but at BS #1, the very first time we (parents) ever had any 1-on-1 conversation or email directly with my freshman daughter’s advisor was over Christmas break. (I’m sure this varies by advisor style and the school has some wonderful advisors, but the point is: parent connection and student scaffolding is NOT built into the system; it felt more like a safety net in case of emergency than training wheels.) On the other hand, once she transferred, her advisor texted me before the first day of school for her, and we have stayed in close communication ever since – everything from “hey it’s her birthday next Tuesday” to “oh she is having a rough day because she had two tests today and she is depleted and called in tears.” When she caught Norovirus severely last month and had to get sent to the ER in an ambulance, he dropped everything (it was admissions deadline and he is in admissions) and went over and followed them to the hospital and sat with her for 10 hours while she was treated, keeping me on FaceTime the entire time (we live across the country so couldn’t race there). He said: “don’t worry – I have a great team back at school and this is more important.” THIS is what I want for my kids. Someone who will be truly an adult of meaning and support for them, especially since I am 3000 miles away.

Anyway – it’s really an important distinction among BS’s. People focus so much on the academics, when honestly, the academics are going to be fantastic and rigorous at MANY schools! The scaffolding though really varies.

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You need to think about what your kid may need. A disorganized or less motivated student’s scaffolding may be structure – such as supervised study halls, early school-mandated intervention if grades start to drop, etc. Another kid might benefit from more adult attention and checking in and feeling nurtured to stay on a steady emotional keel but be fine with a long academic leash. And still another might prefer less adult nurturing/intervention but benefit from more community/peer structure and nurture.

It’s very individual. Particularly if parents have been providing some of this scaffolding at home, they may be the most dialed in to what their child needs.

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At our one child’s HADES school the private tutor situation is real. It’s another example of a socio-economic advantage and intense competitiveness that exists at many boarding schools. Put smart, wealthy, competitive parents in the same pool and everyone wants the advantage for their child. Heck it exists with getting into BS with all of the consultants out there. Some kids won’t share the names of tutors but amongst some of the kids there’s even competition about whose tutor is the most reputable. Our child was “struggling” (their first B) so for his sake we found an online tutor. It’s just helped with confidence mainly but more importantly, he’s also discovered that many friends without tutors in every subject also make Bs and it’s ok.

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Another thing I’d say is important at a so-called “sink or swim” school (I don’t like that term—we’re not cutthroat or anything) is to have good role models. A lot of students, myself included, were really reluctant to seek out help when we first entered because in middle school, everything was easy/we could handle it ourselves/whatnot. But seeing prefects/upperclassmen in consultation was a real confidence booster, and by now (senior year) everyone goes to consult regularly; it’s just something that you do, you know? Student culture is always a major factor in how one’s experience will be, and I feel that if it leans in that sort of “get help when you need it” way, students will take up those opportunities because it’s just how you’re expected to act—and how everyone else acts.

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What’s it like at Lawrenceville? The culture of ‘asking for help’?

Looks like they’re holding hands even less now. In the olden days, history was also pass/fail first term, although art was graded (I think; I bypassed the intro course).

And unless things have changed, the P/F for English only applies to 9th grade students.

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Exactly

My kid says that their ENTIRE AP Chem class turns up to the consultation sessions (jury is out for me if that’s a reflection on the quality of the prof or the content of the course!) It’s like having an additional class. Even if kid thinks that they understand the topic and homework, they tell me that they learn by listening to the questions from other students during these sessions. There is no stigma (according to kid) to attend these classes.

I warned my kid prior to Freshman year that ‘extra help’ was going to be taken early and often by the high flyers and that it was a 180 degree turn from their experience in middle school where additional guidance is given only to the strugglers.

I’m thrilled that kid figured it out within the first few weeks and consultation sessions are a regular feature in their week.

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People do it! Consult is always active, people go to peer tutoring, there’s always group study sessions in the dorm common room—it’s really very common.

That’s just Chem. It was the exact same way when I took it last year—someone even made these huge study guides with all of the content from the entire term to share with everyone. That class was definitely something, but people were really committed to getting through it together, and it showed in everyone’s behavior.

That’s what I do. It’s really quite helpful.

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@confusedaboutFA - great point! My kid didn’t want to go to consultations because he didn’t want to be seen as a “try-hard”, a type much disliked in middle school. But it was normalized at BS.

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so interesting - we were at an international (american) school in Asia - and the competition was INTENSE - kids & parents were insane bc they didnt come to the admissions process with the legacy/elite connections/donor angles so they went ALL OUT tutoring etc

in fairness - no one was gatekeeping tutors though - you’d ask on the parent whatapp chats and you would be flooded with suggestions/contacts etc - i found that interesting

i def have friends who have engaged tutors overseas (india - wayyy less $$) as well via zoom for math/science etc - and some of these kids are now in BS in the US and still use these overseas tutors (and sometimes even the ones they used to use at home - via zoom)

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I’d probably argue that this is among the very most important things instilled in BS kids, and why they tend to hit the ground running by the time college rolls around.

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