Last year my roommate and I were best friends and our transition to roommates has gone really well. However since moving in I’ve noticed she’s been struggling with eating habits. At the beginning of the school year it was skipping a meal here and there, but now it’s graduated to not eating anything but trail mix and a banana for four days. Considering we’re close we’ve talked about this and for a while it seems like she wanted to improve the situation and she was talking to her therapist about it. It seemed to get better for a minute there but then I realized she just wasn’t talking to me about it anymore because she didn’t seem to like my concern. This past week i’ve noticed her going to the bathroom after every meal and heard her vomiting. She doesn’t seem to know I can hear her and I haven’t said anything about it because I know she’s willing to talk about things but only with time and doesn’t take being approached before that time well. It seems like she’s spiraling and I’m concerned because she has a pattern of doing this with mental health issues. In the past she’s spiraled with cutting and alcohol. She has a rocky relationship with our councilors considering her history of mental illness and she kind of cut off a friend who reported her to them last year. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I want to talk to her about it but i’m afraid she’ll close up more and spiral and no one will know when she’s in a really bad place. Any advice?
Honestly, Id tell your RA or whoever is in authority, and her parents if you know how to reach them. This is life threatening behavior. It may cost you your friendship, but it could save her life. I don’t think you can handle this without professional help — you can’t just let her ease into talking to you.
I would go to the RA immediately and let her know.
It is not your role or duty to “talk about it” with her as you are not a trained therapist. But you should report this behavior to the school & to her parents.
You should be focusing on school, not your roommate’s mental health. It’s great that you’re concerned for your friend, but you aren’t qualified to provide the help she needs. Please let your RA or a trusted faculty member know what’s happening. They’ll know what to do.
Short answer: Report her behavior NOW to dorm counselor, class dean, RA, student psych services, and her parents if if you have their contact info. As others said, she has a disease, and it is life-threatening.
Longer answer: I really feel for you and am sorry that your roommate is in distress and that it’s causing you distress. I am the parent of a recovered anorexic and I can tell you that this is a serious mental illness and you are not equipped to cure her. She’s lucky that you care. It may ruin your friendship to tell a responsible authority. Someone at my daughter’s school anonymously alerted the school psychologist about their concerns and I am grateful to that person every single day. We would not have gotten a diagnosis and started treatment as soon without that nudge.
My D’s first year as an RA, a girl came to her and expressed similar concerns about her roommate. My D tried to talk to the other girl but was rebuffed. Then, my D noticed that the other girl was going to various different floors of the dorm and when she followed her a couple of times, she realized that she was going from floor to floor throwing up in a different bathroom each time so that nobody would connect up what she was doing. My D arranged for the roommate to be out for a couple of hours and staged an intervention in the dorm room, with the RD, head of res life, someone from counseling and a plainclothes officer from the campus police. As a result, the ill girl agreed to go home to her parents that weekend. She wound up withdrawing and getting treatment. A year or so later, my D was walking on campus when a young woman came up to her and hugged her - it was this girl. My D told her to thank her roommate. She said that she had.
Bottom line - yes, it’s not your business, but you are there. Speak with the RA again and if the RA can’t help, go to the RD. You can’t save her, she has to want the help, but if you do what you are able to, you can walk through life knowing you did the best you could for a person in need.
Good luck.
You are right to be concerned and right that you can’t help her on your own. Definitely go to the RA and possibly the dean of students. Anorexia/bulimia are life-threatening disorders. One of my daughter’s Wellesley classmates was sent home her freshman year, but never recovered. She died at what would have been the beginning of her junior year.
Eating disorders are the deadliest of all mental illnesses. Even if this girl doesn’t want help, she shouldn’t be in a place where people can’t take care of her.
@techmom99, good for your D! What a wonderful story. One of my D’s friends was an RA this year She described the extensive training they all went through to deal with issues like this. RAs aren’t just there to yell at people! They really can help.
You are a wonderful person for caring so much. I developed an eating disorder my first year of college (the first time around as an undergraduate). I told a professor and a few people in an attempt to get help. Went to the college’s mental health services and did group therapy. Not helpful for me. No one ever told my parents. I ended up dropping out and struggling with a severe disorder that, in retrospect, should have cost me my life. I got lucky in that I am still here, but I spent years of my life living through hell. I did tell my parents eventually, but they were no help and basically told me I was a horrible person who was acting spoiled. It took years of struggle, living in poverty, and me being on my own to eventually get the help I wish I had gotten during my first year of college.
I agree with everyone who said to tell your RA, the mental health office at your college, and, if possible, the person’s parents. Most parents would likely want their child in therapy and would want to help. I wish someone around me back then had cared as much about the situation as you do with your friend. You are a good person. No, this is not your problem per se, but you telling the appropriate people right now might make all the difference for your friend.
As others have said, tell anyone and everyone who is in a position to help. Start with the RA and campus mental health services. Tell her parents, if you think they will get her help - if you have a sense that they will react as @JanieWalker’s parents did, go elsewhere. If you know who her therapist is, let the therapist know. It would be a HIPPA violation for the therapist to say anything to you, but not if the therapist listens to your concerns/report. Sometimes that’s the only way a therapist knows the patient is getting worse - they hold it together well during therapy sessions, and hide what’s truly happening. The only way the therapist can help is knowing what’s really going on. Once you have reported to the appropriate people, let them handle it. Don’t talk to your roommate about it any more - it will only cause her to do more to hide the behavior. Understand she might be angry with you for reporting this, , but once she is well, she will appreciate what you did for her (even if she’s too embarrassed to say so).