C&C on My Essay

<p>Any Comments, Criticism, or Suggestions is greatly accepted!</p>

<p>I chose the topic of writing about a person who influenced you...its exactly 500 words.</p>

<p>Some books such as The Stranger and To Kill a Mockingbird have themes deeply entrenched in them about moral education installed upon a child at a young age, sticking with them throughout childhood and their adult life. Although I’ve read both works of literature, I didn’t need them to learn about the before mentioned theme. I experienced it with my own eyes.
At six months old I met the most influential person in my life. My mom put me into ‘Kiddie Land Day Care’, after a recommendation from my Aunt because my cousin was also attending there. My parents work long hours, and I was often at the day care for as many hours as I spent back at home. The day care provider was a lady by the name of Carol Ludden, who was assisted by her husband Billy. Carol was an angel; there is no other way around it. I can’t even think of a negative thing to say about her if I tried.
She taught me a plethora of things that I still use today. There are various examples that I still keep in the back of my mind to this day. One day while I was in the playroom, I was bouncing around a foam ball. I’ve always been into sports, even at the age of four I was enrolled in both baseball and soccer. The ball was entertaining me. Another kid who was there took my ball and wouldn’t give it back no matter how much I insisted. I wanted to hit him so bad, even though he was a few years older than me and would have probably made me regret anything disruptive I did. Carol told me to not worry about it and brought me into another room. She told me; “There are always alternatives to have fun”.
Carol was very instrumental in my education as well. I never attended preschool, but was way ahead of other students once I enrolled in elementary school. In third grade, when the teacher was first introducing multiplication, we had a quiz of 100 questions to do in 10 minutes. Everyone in the class got a 60 or less. I got a 99 on my quiz; I knew multiplication since four years old.
Mrs. Ludden also had a reward system, where if you did errands around the house you would earn stars, and when I registered enough stars, Carol would take me out to buy a toy. It showed me at a young age that if you put in an effort you’ll get rewarded.
I never thought I would have to live without Carol. August 24th, 2007 I was devastated. She had died. It was like losing a second mother. I consider the Ludden family, my family and still visit as much as I can. It’s amazing knowing they have my back. I would rather have Carol here to see me progress as a person, but it’s refreshing to know that she would be proud of me.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>instead of the “before” mentioned theme, use aforementioned</p>

<p>In all honesty, it is not very good. You misused semi-colons twice.

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<p>You also switch back and forth from sounding pretentious to sounding colloquial, and at times it sounds like you’re bragging. I suggest you work on your writing style, make this essay more about you, and show an English teacher or someone else your essay and have them help you. Best of luck.</p>