URGENT Please Edit My Essay!!

College Essays
1

<p>The essay topic is: Explain the impact of an event or activity that has created a change in your life or in your way of thinking.
Word limit: 250-500 My essay is EXACTLY 500 words.</p>

<p>Note: I took out the locations for security reasons and I'm applying to prep school. (Sorry for posting in here - I couldn't find another place!</p>

<p>Essay:
Sometimes we learn more from the unpleasant experiences that we have faced. If we are strong enough to not only get past adversities, but to also learn a valuable life lesson from the experience, it will shape us into a better person. I have become much more emphatic and mature not because of success, but because of bullying.</p>

<p>I had moved to ----- at the age of five and a half, with no basis for English except for the few months I had spent in -----. It was a nerve-wracking experience moving to a drastically different environment where I could not communicate with majority of the people; therefore I was very introverted and rarely spoke to anyone. The fact that I was required to go to school for the first time in my life only made it worse. It was nearly impossible for me to make friends, as I was regularly ignored and never acknowledged by my classmates.</p>

<p>Due to my lack of friends, I tried to join in whenever my classmates were playing together, even though I wasn’t invited. Finally, they began to bully me and call me names in an attempt to get rid of me. I turned to the teacher for guidance, but that only earned me the title of a ‘tattletale’.</p>

<p>After being crowned the class ‘tattletale’, I had to face even more bullies, who would bully me in very different ways. A group of girls would attack anyone who tried to be friendly to me, while another group would constantly tease me by how poorly I dressed and my appearance. There was one boy who was constantly threatening to hurt me and even went as far as to holding sharp scissors dangerously close to my face and threatening to cut it off.</p>

<p>The bullying had begun in kindergarten, but I had never told the teacher about it until near the end of grade two. Once I did, however, things began to change drastically. The boy no longer bullied me and apologized sincerely for frightening me. Most of the other bullies ignored me from then on, but there was still a couple that would tease me. Luckily, I was offered a fresh start when my parents decided to buy a house in -----.</p>

<p>Even after I had moved and was no longer bullied, I was constantly remembering the horrors I had to face and my self-esteem was almost nonexistent. I was paranoid about being targeted by bullies again. Although this terrifying experience happened many years ago, I was still affected by it all the way until grade seven.</p>

<p>This experience taught me the horrifying effects of bullying, how important it is to contact an adult at times, and that everyone faces their own difficulties. From then on, I became more aware of what we say and others’ feelings. I try to stand up for anyone who is being bullied. After all, I would not want anyone to go through the same thing as I did.</p>

2

<p>Sounds kinda cliche it doesn’t make you stand out as An individual</p>

3

<p>Plus you talk about being in school already and then you jump to kindergarten it doesn’t flow right</p>

4

<p>You also learned to engrave who you are and not changing for any reason you felt that justice is necessary… Don’t just say the horror of bullying try to make them realize that you are strong and care for the justice of others because if not you make yourself look weak</p>

5

<p>Yea make it more unique</p>

6

<p>How do I make it more unique?</p>

7

<p>I feel the essay talks too much on you being bullied. The prompt is really looking for how you have changed into a better person because of this experience. Rewrite and devote at least half of your essay to this, citing specific detailed examples. Your personal stories are what makes your essay unique.</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Good luck! :)</p>

8

<p>I edited my essay. This is what it looks like now:</p>

<p>“I’m going to kill you one day.” Imagine that you are in grade one, young and defenseless. A boy is holding scissors dangerously close to your face and says this to you. You can tell from his tone and the determined set of his eyes that he is serious. There are no adults around to protect you, and the students present will only encourage him. How scared would you be? I was so terrified that I couldn’t cry nor scream. I just stood still; paralyzed in fear until my classmates – my tormentors – finished mocking me and walked away. I had once thought that there was nothing wrong with being a bystander, but I was wrong. If someone had stood up for me, they could’ve saved me from being traumatized by this horrible memory.</p>

<p>Sometimes we learn more from the experiences we would rather forget than those that put a smile on our faces. If we are strong enough to not only get past adversity, but to also learn a valuable life lesson from the experience, it will shape us into a better person. I have become much more empathetic and mature not because of success or encouragement, but because of bullying.</p>

<p>I had moved from ---- to ----- at the age of five and a half. It was nerve-wracking moving to a drastically different environment and attending school for the first time with no basis for English. Due to my lack of friends, I tried to join in whenever my classmates were playing together, even though I wasn’t invited. I could detect their distaste for me, but I tried not to be affected. Finally, they resorted to bullying to get rid of me. I turned to the teacher for guidance, but that only earned me the title of a ‘tattletale’. </p>

<p>After being crowned the class ‘tattletale’, the bullying became almost unbearable. Every day, I would have to bear multiple threats and constant mocking. My bullies started vicious rumors that spread around the school like wildfire. Before long, nobody wanted to be my friend. I was an outcast who was hated by everyone. </p>

<p>Luckily, I was offered a fresh start when my parents decided to buy a house in ----. I still remembered the horrors I had to face and became extremely sensitive and introverted. Thanks to the cruel remarks about my appearance, I developed a distorted self-image. I was still affected by my experience with bullying up until grade seven, which is when my supportive friends helped me overcome my past. From them, I learned to be supportive and empathetic, and lend an ear to anyone feeling misunderstood.</p>

<p>Because of this experience, I realized that any form of bullying can affect someone for a long time, and it is important to stand up against injustice. I learned to accept others’ differences and be more considerate of others’ feelings. I also began to value justice and equality more strongly because I believe everyone is equal and nobody should be discriminated.</p>