can anyone help to grade my essay; a student from China

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>my English teacher is simply not qualified to grade a SAT essay; tradegy</p>

<p>many many thks to those read or even kind enough to grade my essay :)</p>

<p>Assignment
Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your readings, studies, experience, and observations.</p>

<p>Other people can be a mirror that helps us to understand ourselves better, or can even be a catalyst, speeding up the process of self discovery. The catcher in the rye perfectly conveys this by its portrayal of Holden Caufield, who is undergoing a painful process of growing up.</p>

<p>Holden is a strange character with a cynical attitude towards the society as he finds it full of “phoniness”. He gets expelled from school and decides to return home in NY, a journey in which he intimately touches different sides of the society, reinforcing his perception of the world as hypocritical and corrupted. Holden chooses to alienate himself because he is completely overwhelmed and cannot find a solution for his predicament. Doing so, Holden becomes more grotesque and cynical, and finally fails himself. Holden’s inability and unwillingness to interact with others, caused by his need for isolation, blinds his perception of himself, leaving him in a state of utter confusion. </p>

<p>The story does not end there however. The appearance of Phoebe, Holden’s beloved sister, is a remedy for Holden. Phoebe urges Holden to find out what are really important to him; from Holden’s reply, we get to know a job as “the catcher in the rye”, a symbolic image for the perseverance of innocence in human nature. When later Phoebe dramatically takes the role of an immature teenager and asks Holden to take her with him, Holden partly realizes the immaturity of his previous behavior and rejects her. Without Phoebe, who acts as a catalyst, Holden undoubtedly would not have come to realize what he truly values and what he has not been aware about himself. </p>

<p>Although retrospection is important, and we should not always rely on other people to help us, sometimes we do need help from other people, who are mirrors through which we can see a complete picture of ourselves. This is particularly true when we go into extremes; very often we simply lack the courage to look into ourselves for flaws.</p>

2

<p>my teacher asked me a approach a TOEFL teacher, but i guess even if i go to such a person, he/she doesn’t know much about SAT essay scoring…</p>

3

<p>Overall, your writing is good, and your grasp of English for a non-native speaker is excellent. You have a few minor grammar errors, but really, I’m very impressed. Your writing is very easy to read and follow, and that’s what you want when writing your essay. The few errors are not really significant enough to hurt your score, so that’s a huge hurdle you’ve already cleared.</p>

<p>You content could use a little work, though. Using only one example is a dangerous tactic because it’s VERY difficult to write a sufficiently in-depth essay. While I think your example is a good one, much of your discussion of it is just a lot of irrelevant detail that doesn’t do anything to support your argument. Looking at your first paragraph about Holden, much of it is just summing up what happens to him, which you do very well, but your assignment is to discuss whether we need others to understand ourselves. You talk about how Holden sees the world, but nothing in the paragraph directly addresses the assignment. You get it in the next paragraph, but it’s too detailed and you don’t actually make your point until the last sentence of the paragraph.</p>

<p>I do like that you’ve got a clear introduction and conclusion, but your concluding sentence seems to come from nowhere. You haven’t talked about extremes, and that sentence just doesn’t fit.</p>

<p>As for a score, I’d probably give you a 4 for the clarity of your writing, but another reader could go with a 3 because you just haven’t addressed the assignment well. You certainly have the capacity to write a very strong essay, though. Just don’t get caught up in trying to sound academic. You clearly have a good understanding of Catcher in the Rye, but you need to use that knowledge to illustrate your point, not just show me that you’ve read the book! I strongly recommend that you use at least two examples in your essays as well.</p>

<p>Just keep trying. You certainly have the ability to do well. Just stick to the assignment! Good luck.</p>

4

<p>thanks for your kind and very helpful response. I intended to use the book as two examples actually; the first part of Holden as an example of not getting help from others, whild the second part of Holden, with Phoebe’s appearance, as an example of how other people can help us. But it doesn’t seem to do a good job :stuck_out_tongue: </p>

<p>However i think the third paragraph explains how Phoebe (other people) helps Holden (ourselves), so the details work, in my opinion, as an anlysis of why other people are important for us to understand ourselves. Is that not the way SAT essay should go?</p>

<p>I have made some corrections; if you have time, plz gimme some advice :stuck_out_tongue: thanks; other people’s opinions are very welcome</p>

<p>Other people can be a mirror that helps us to better understand ourselves, or can even be a catalyst that speeds up the process of self discovery. The Catcher in the Rye perfectly conveys this by its portrayal of Holden Caufield, a teenager undergoing the painful process of growing up.</p>

<p>Holden is a strange character with a cynical attitude towards the society as he finds it full of “phoniness”. He gets expelled from school and decides to return home in NY, a journey in which he intimately touches different sides of the society, reinforcing his perception of the world as hypocritical and corrupted. Completely overwhelmed, Holden’s solution to the predicament he faces is to alienate himself and reject any help from other people. Doing so, Holden blinds his perception of both himself and the world, leaving him in a state of utter confusion. We could project that if Holden was willing to approach others, he would not have gone into such extreme. </p>

<p>The story does not end there however. Holden’s partial maturity and his realization of what he values, as seen towards the end of the story, depend on another person. The appearance of Phoebe, Holden’s beloved sister, is a remedy for Holden. Phoebe urges Holden to find out what he wants to do; later she even dramatically takes the role of an immature teenager and asks Holden to take her with him, Holden partly realizes the immaturity of his previous behavior and rejects her. We see from this example that we do need other people in growing into maturity. Without Phoebe, who acts as a catalyst, Holden undoubtedly would not have come to realize what he truly appreciates and what he has not been aware of himself. </p>

<p>Although retrospection is important, and we should not always rely on other people to help us, sometimes we do need help from other people, who are mirrors through which we can see a complete picture of ourselves. This is particularly true when we, as Holden does in the early of the novel, go into extremes; very often we simply lack the courage to look into ourselves for flaws, at such times other people can help us.</p>

5

<p>Better, but I think you’re still not connecting the dots for the reader as well as you could. Seriously, assume that your reader knows absolutely nothing, so you must be absolutely clear about your argument. Maybe the best way to illustrate this is to do a little specific editing for you. Here’s my version of your second paragraph:</p>

<p>“Catcher in the Rye” actually provides two examples of how others help us to see ourselves and shape our characters. As the book opens, we meet Holden, a cynical teenager who finds himself in crisis after being expelled from school. He has developed a belief that society is corrupt and hypocritical. Thus, he withdraws from the people he encounters, and by doing so begins to lose touch with reality. Holden begins to see himself as more mature than he actually is, a belief that is clearly not supported by his behavior. We need others to help us define what is real and what is not; otherwise, we would rely only on our own, possibly flawed, perceptions of ourselves. </p>

<p>I hope this shows a shift away from discussing the plot details and a shift toward explaining why we need others to understand ourselves. The points that are relevant to the assignment are that Holden removes himself from others and loses touch with reality. He sees himself inaccurately without others to give him feedback. In your version, you talk about why and how Holden withdraws, but not enough about how that withdrawal affects him. You say only that he is confused, and you offer a solution to the confusion, but you’re not clearly stating what led to the confusion and what that has to do with needing others to understand ourselves. It’s implied, but you’re not just saying it.</p>

<p>Hope that helps some and good luck.</p>

6

<p>thanks swans404; that helps a lot. i kinda feel embarassed about using ur time ~~</p>

<p>here’s the version i hope that will match the SAT standard essay. Sometimes it’s quite a pain to cut “beautiful” sentence that are actually vain ~~</p>

<p>Other people can be a mirror or even be a catalyst that speeds up the process of self discovery; they can also be a tool without which we cannot overcome difficulties. The examples of John Nash, the great mathematician, and Holden Caufield, a teenager undergoing the painful process of growing up, both perfectly illustrate these points.</p>

<p>Holden is a strange character with a cynical attitude towards the society as he finds it full of “phoniness”. Instead of looking for help from mentors or friends, Holden’s solution to his predicament is alienating himself and cutting interaction with others. Doing so, Holden blinds his perception of both himself and the world and is not able to get out. We could project that if Holden were willing to open up and approach others, he would not have gone into such extreme. Holden’s partial maturity and his realization of his ultimate goal depend on another person. Phoebe, Holden’s beloved sister, urges him to find out what he wants to do; Holden later realizes the immaturity of his previous behavior and rejects her. We see from the story that other people can be a force that propels us to grow. Without Phoebe, who acts as a catalyst, Holden undoubtedly would not have come to realize what he truly appreciates and what he has not been aware of himself. </p>

<p>Other people are not only helpful in our growing up, but also in struggling with great obstacles. John Nash, having built the foundation for game theory in Economics, suffered from a mental illness that blocked him from recognizing what were real and what were not. His “beautiful mind” alone did not save him, but his colleagues, friends and his family did. They did not give up Nash during his fruitless years in Princeton, even when sometimes Nash was a threat to them. Without the people around him, Nash simply could not distinguish between illusion and reality and thus not possible to recovered from the suffering. </p>

<p>Although retrospection is important, and we should not always rely on other people to help us, sometimes other people can be important too; they are mirrors through which we see a complete of ourselves. This is particularly true when we, as Holden does in the early of the novel, lost ourselves in extremes. In combating with obstacles, especially ones that lead us to question ourselves, as in the example of Nash, other people become a must.</p>

7

<p>SORRY GUYS,can u ignore the essay in the previous reply plz ~~ that was the unfinished version that i mistakenly posted. It should be this one:</p>

<p>Other people can be a mirror or even be a catalyst that speeds up the process of self discovery; they can also be a tool without which we cannot overcome difficulties. The examples of John Nash, the great mathematician, and Holden Caufield, a teenager undergoing the painful process of growing up, perfectly illustrate these points.</p>

<p>Holden transforms from immaturity to the realization of his ultimate goal throughout the novel, a process in which his beloved sister, Phoebe, plays the most crucial role. Early in the novel, Holden is cynical towards the society as he finds it full of “phoniness”. Instead of looking for help from mentors or friends, Holden’s solution to his predicament is alienating himself and cutting interaction with others. Doing so, Holden blinds his perception of both himself and the world and is not able to get out of this extreme. Not until Phoebe asks him to take her with him to go away does Holden realize the immaturity of his previous behavior and rejects her. We see from the story that other people can be a force that propels us to grow. Without Phoebe, acting as a catalyst, Holden undoubtedly would not have come to realize what he truly appreciates and what he has not been aware of himself. </p>

<p>Other people are not only helpful in our growing up, but also in our struggle with obstacles. John Nash, having built the foundation for game theory in Economics, suffered from a mental illness that blocked him from recognizing what were real and what were not. His “beautiful mind” alone did not save him, but his colleagues, friends and his family did. They did not give up Nash during his fruitless and illusive years in Princeton, even when sometimes Nash was a threat to them. Without the people around him, Nash simply could not distinguish between illusion and reality and thus could not possibly recover from the suffering. </p>

<p>Although retrospection is important, and we should not always rely on other people to help us, sometimes other people are important; they are mirrors through which we see a complete picture of ourselves. This is particularly true when we, as Holden does in the early of the novel, lost ourselves in extremes. Moreover, in combating with obstacles, especially ones that lead us to question ourselves, as in the example of Nash, other people become a must.</p>

8

<p>Definitely better. You’re getting the idea! Just keep practicing, and remember that it’s really not about sounding smart or using great vocabulary when it comes to the essay. You don’t have all the time in the world to perfect it, so it’s always going to be a rough draft. The most important thing is arguing your point effectively. It’s not about the perfect example, because any example can be a good one if you can make your reader understand your thinking. Best of luck to you.</p>