would anyone kindly grade this practice essay

<p>i'm a Chinese, it's quite hard to find someone to give feedback, so i come to CC for help; any comment is appreciated. I spent like 30mins coz still not get used to writing within such a short time.</p>

<p>assignment: is identity innate or created</p>

<p>The term identity has an intrinsic connotation relating to inborn characteristics, but when put within broader contexts, it inevitably involves defining one’s cultural, social or even historical elements, which lit the way for the identity, whether it be a person or a group. Identity is dynamic, not static; much of it is created, not given; it is a reward after struggle, not a benediction from heaven.</p>

<p>The Catcher in the Rye is apparently about a teenager’s growing up, but viewed from a slightly different angle, it is also about Holden’s search for his role in the world. He must strive to find a way out of his predicament and abandon his former identity of being an outcast. Holden needs to give up his original believes, which has formed his characters, and conform to the social norms; this is precisely a process of creating one’s identity. But this doing is not simple as it may seem. Past memories and current experiences have so much impacted Holden that to accept an identity the adults assign him means to negate everything he values. Holden eventually take a step forward – he does not run away and is even willing to go to a new school; by doing so he attaches himself with a common trait most teenagers have integrated into their characters. Holden’s new identity, or say his new role, is less sharp but more mature.</p>

<p>The search for a balance between past, present and future is also a difficult issue for a country. The word “China” conveys much about Eastern culture, philosophy and history; it does not merely indicate a geographic location. One of the most ancient countries, China has a glorious past but which has become more of a burden rather than a pride. For the past two centuries, the country has been struggling for a road to freedom and development; her situation is analogous to that of Holden in that both must forget the past to reach a better future. But today, we have gone into another extreme, demolishing the invaluable legacy bequeathed, which ultimately defines individual Chinese and the country as a whole. The consequences are disastrous –the Cultural Revolution utterly destroyed all traditions, causing the lack of moral codes for a whole generation; the Open and Reform have driven us too far in embracing Western values, resulting in huge generation gaps. Constructing a new “cultural identity” for the country -- achieving a balance between tradition and present -- is most critical in meeting challenges awaiting. </p>

<p>Identity contains not only one’s biographic information, but also cultural traits, which largely define a person. Our characteristics perhaps are partly inherited, but certainly are mostly formed within social and historical contexts. We lose our direction when we lose our cultural identity. The same is true for an organization, a country or even the human species.</p>

<p>I give it a 2 out of 12.</p>

<p>any reason please?</p>

<p>I just don’t like and why are you asking random people online to
grade your essay? why don’t you ask your English teacher of something?</p>

<p>Really solid essay. Good organization, substantial amount of info, info relates to topic. I’m not a good essay grader, but I would give it a 10-12. And ignore the other guy. He’s a racist.</p>

<p>How am I being racist?</p>

<p>I’m not much of an essay grader, but I did notice that many of your sentences are run-ons. For example:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I think this sentence can be split into two:</p>

<ol>
<li>The Catcher in the Rye is apparently about a teenager’s growing up.</li>
<li>But, when viewed from a slightly different angle, it is also about Holden’s search for his role in the world. </li>
</ol>

<p>It’s OK to have short sentences in your essay; long sentences aren’t always the best. </p>

<p>Another example of a run-on in your essay:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I’d split it up like this (1 long, 1 short) and add a few clarifying terms (I’ll put them in parentheses):</p>

<ol>
<li>The term identity has an intrinsic connotation relating to inborn characteristics, but when put within broader contexts, it inevitably involves defining one’s cultural, social or even historical elements.</li>
<li>These elements lit the way for the (current meaning of the word) identity, whether it be (of) a person or (of) a group.</li>
</ol>

<p>I really liked this essay; the second example is definitely strong. I won’t, however, give a numerical grade, since I don’t feel experienced enough with SAT essays to do so accurately.</p>

<p>copyxmkii-really?" i just dont like it." He’s from china, man, not many teachers are trained to really grade SAT papers and arent as familiar with the test, so he asked online-a free resource. If you cant be helpful or provide any productive information, dont waste your time</p>

<p>^314159265; really grateful for your detailed suggestion. I do sometimes tend to write long sentences, though i know simple English is good English~~ it’s just kind of tempting.</p>

<p>^kbbm24 also thank you for your grading; I think copyxmkii isn’t a racist, but just a bit cynical. I understand that it’s kinda annoying to see people asking around for help with their essays~~</p>

<p>^Don’t worry about it, there are plenty of people around this board who are happy to help, unlike that guy :)</p>

<p>Regarding the simple English - no-go. In the SAT essay, you’re kind of supposed to use the most complex English you can think of. Now, I’m not talking Shakespeare style, but merely using complex sentence structures, or compound sentences, varied clauses, some spicy vocab, and still prove your point effectively. You should consistently get a 10+ if you master that. And avoid run-ons and other grammar mistakes - especially repetitive ones.</p>

<p>wait, forbidden, i never said he was racist at all. How is that annoying-its a free website-if you find it annoying, then ignore it.</p>

<p>And jimmy-are you talking about me, I am willing to help, ill gradee it
just give me a few minutes</p>

<p>regarding the runon problem, i think “, but” can effectively link two sentences, just as “, and” can?
eg. I like music, but I don’t like Jazz that much. </p>

<p>so is "The Catcher in the Rye is apparently about a teenager’s growing up, but viewed from a slightly different angle, it is also about Holden’s search for his role in the world. " a runon? I thought that after “, but” we can start a new sentence.</p>

<p>^I don’t think there is anything wrong with that sentence. He probably just misread it.</p>

<p>

No no I was talking about the first guy who replied to the OP.</p>

<p>10/12.
this is decent work.</p>

<p>This is a very well written essay. 10/12!</p>

<p>I would not score it so highly because the first paragraph is one run-on sentence. The writer’s message is buried in a semantic ball olf yarn. The graders only have about a minute per essay. That first para needs to be reconstructed in two sentences that CLEARLY make the point the writer is taking.</p>

<p>

You seriously have problems bro, why so serious?</p>

<p>The essay is very well written, it deserves a 11 or 12. :slight_smile:
Keep the SAT words in your essay, and try to incorporate more of 'em, it’ll definitely help.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I suppose the original sentence would be OK if “when” were added after “but.” It would be like this:</p>

<p>“The Catcher in the Rye is apparently about a teenager’s growing up, but when viewed from a slightly different angle, it is also about Holden’s search for his role in the world.”</p>

<p>Also, after looking at this sentence again, I think “apparently” isn’t the best word choice. I think “At first glance, The Catcher in the…” would better show what you’re trying to say. When you use “apparently,” you’re implying (in this case), that TCITR is not at all about a “teenager’s growing up.” However, it’s about both “a teenager’s growing up” AND about “Holden’s search for his role in the world.”</p>

<p>So in the end, I would write the sentence like this, with 2 extra additions in parentheses (if I were to use only 1 sentence):</p>

<p>“**At first glance,**The Catcher in the Rye is (just) about (another) teenager’s growing up, but when viewed from a slightly different angle, it is also about Holden’s search for his role in the world.”</p>

<p>8 or 9. Contains many run-on sentences and incorrect verb tenses and it was hard understanding your first paragraph. Also needs an attention grabber in the beginning.</p>