Can I Help My Sister?

Parents Forum
1

<p>This got a lot longer and possibly a bit rantier than I intended. I appreciate anyone who reads through it all, whether you can help or not.</p>

<p>My story:
Extremely self motivated student from the beginning. I blew through the early grades easily and in highschool though I didn't always take the most challenging classes I knew I wanted to go to a good college so I did what I needed to do. I exhaustively researched colleges, took the ACT/SAT early and often, did very well in my classes and after huge amounts of research finally found the college that I wanted to go to. It was out of state, but I found a program through which I could get in state tuition after one year, and it's where I am now. </p>

<p>Throughout the process my parents varied between unhelpful and actively working against me, particularly my mom. She has severe "letting go" issues and did NOT want me to attend an out of state college. In fact she'd hand picked the college she wanted me to attend; a large very local (15 minutes away) university who's academics are not even in the same ballpark as the other places I was looking. The school also did not offer the major I wanted and their engineering program is regarded as a joke. I understand that since neither of my parents or other immediate family had ever gone to college they might not know how the process works, but I did research how it worked because I had a goal (to get into a good university.) </p>

<p>The two breaking points came when I found out that my mom was screening my mail from colleges (not acceptance letters but recruiting mail) to remove places that were "too far away" and when they told me that if I went to the local college they would buy me a car, but if I went anywhere out of state they would not help with tuition. They don't have much money so I didn't expect much help, but they were bribing me. Anyway, I didn't bite. I went to the OOS school, took out loans my freshman year, and now I get enough scholarships that I'm being paid to go to school. I'm on track to graduate in Engineering at a good university on time, I love where I am and even with how bad things are looking for the economy I'm confident in where I'm going. Happy ending, right?</p>

<p>My sister's story:
My sister is 4 years younger than I am, a Junior in highschool. Perhaps because they never had to push me in school my parents never pushed her, but she wasn't nearly as self motivated as I was early on. She did ok in grade school but almost got held back twice in middle school, once passing a required math class by only a couple percent. I tried to help tutor her but it was pretty clear that the problem wasn't that she couldn't learn the material; she didn't care. The class she almost failed she did so poorly in because she was not turning in completed homework. She would DO the homework, but just not turn it in. </p>

<p>Her freshman year of highschool she was in all regular classes (nothing wrong with that, I'm glad she wasn't in remedial) and actually picked it up a bit. I had several long talks with her to convince her to take honors level classes her sophomore year and when I finally talked her into it I had to personally drive her down to the counselor's office (over summer break) because my parents thought that she should stick to the regular classes. She's now an A/B student in mostly honors classes halfway through her junior year. </p>

<p>Here's the problem though. I assumed that she knew that she had to schedule her tests (ACT/SAT) and start looking for colleges. She's fairly impressionable though, and my parents are pulling the same tricks with her that they did with me, going as far as to secure an apartment for her to live in WHEN, not IF, she goes to school there. Since I'm only at home occasionally over the summer and winter breaks I have limited influence over her. If she looks at several colleges, takes a couple visits to different types of colleges, and decides that the local college is the one for her then great. </p>

<p>She hasn't though. I've tried to get her to look up colleges online, offered to let her stay at my place and take a visit here (she probably wouldn't like it here but it'd at least double the number of college campuses she'd stepped foot on,) ANYTHING but either she doesn't want to (looking them up) or my parent's won't let her (taking visits, including here.) She isn't even in love with anything about the school; she told me she might want to transfer out after a year or two. She has the grades to get into much better schools now though, there's no need to go somewhere she might not be happy and probably won't be challenging just because that's where her parents tell her to go.</p>

<p>It's a story I've seen one too many times. People are born in or grow up in the area. They go to highschool in the area. When they graduate they don't look anywhere other than the local school or one other large in state school (there are really only two major ones in our state) because that's where all their friends go/is cheap/is easy, and they end up miserable. Then they either drop out or do poorly due to being miserable. It's happened to more of my highschool friends than I care to mention and I'm afraid it's going to happen to my sister. As I said, if she looks at other places and picks the local school then great; she's taken ownership of the decision and that's really what she needs. But I don't know how to get through to her to convince her to look elsewhere, or even to get through to my parents to get them to let her. There probably isn't anything that anyone here can do to help but it felt nice to type all of that out and if anyone has any ideas I'm quickly running out of time. Thanks for reading.</p>

2

<p>I feel for you. You are a different person than your sister, however. You have done as much as you can, but she doesn't have the same desire/need to get away that you did. It is frustrating when you see her lack of ambition to do as you did, but you have to accept that aspect of her personality. If you talk to people, your age and older, and take a survey of what their siblings did you will find a wide variety of paths taken within families. You can imagine how frustrated some of the CC parents can get when they can't make their children do what they want them to- and you're dealing with a sibling.</p>

<p>The short answer- you tried, you vented, that's all you can do. Keep the lines of communication with her open, if she's receptive to your help some day you can give her your wisdom. Otherwise you have to let her lead her life.</p>

3

<p>You are a good person, and a good brother. But you can't run your sister's life. It seems that she lacks the drive and initiative that you've got, and there's not much you can do to change that.</p>

4

<p>chuy,</p>

<p>You are trying to walk a pretty fine line here. On the one hand, you want your sister to be aware of the many choices she has. On the other, you do not want to start making choices for her as your mother seems to be trying to do. As you point out, your sister needs to take ownership of the decision herself. It is great that you want to look out for her, but you have to avoid doing things for her that she should be doing for herself.</p>

<p>If I were you, I would try to get her to talk to you about what she wants to do. It would be best if you could work it out so that the two of you could discuss things face-to-face without your parents around, but that may be hard given the different school schedules that you both have. She has some time given that she is still a junior, so maybe you could meet either during her spring break or yours. If she can register to take a standardized test or two this spring, choose her senior classes with an eye toward what the colleges require and ask for a couple of letters of recommendation before summer break, she will be way ahead of many of her classmates.</p>

<p>It may turn out that she has not thought very hard about what she wants to do after high school, and that is OK. A lot of college students and even some college graduates haven't yet figured out what they want to do with their lives. In most cases, things tend to work themselves out in the long run. </p>

<p>One thing you might try is showing her one of the online college matchmaker type of programs that displays a list of schools that meet various criteria (size, location, major, cost, etc...) that you enter. The College Board website has one such program. If that interests her, then you have at least some common ground that you can use to help her get through the rest of the process of test taking, paperwork, interviews, visits and so forth.</p>

<p>If it turns out that she is just not as interested as you were in choosing a school, perhaps she is not yet ready to go to college. If that continues into her senior year, it might not be the worst idea for her to stay close to home for another year and then maybe consider a transfer once she has gotten her act together.</p>

<p>You have to get your sister to take the lead on this. Otherwise, you risk doing the same thing to her that your mother tried to do to you - just in a different direction.</p>

5

<p>you were right, too long to read. keep it short and sweet if you want to attract readers. we have much too much experience to go down the long path on internet boards. better luck next time.</p>

6

<p>"It's a story I've seen one too many times. People are born in or grow up in the area. They go to highschool in the area. When they graduate they don't look anywhere other than the local school or one other large in state school (there are really only two major ones in our state) because that's where all their friends go/is cheap/is easy, and they end up miserable. Then they either drop out or do poorly due to being miserable"</p>

<p>Your sister isn't you. THere are plenty of people who go to college in their hometown, and are happy doing so. I have many adult friends in the college town where I live who did that when they were young. Many are very successful including having happy lives, high paying, prestigious jobs, etc.</p>

<p>I was like you -- did whatever I could to get away from my hometown. My brother wasn't like me. He has never left, and is living a happy life in a place that I couldn't wait to escape.</p>

<p>You've done your job by letting your sister know about options. Now, if she's interested, she'll pursue them. If not, she'll still live the life she presumably wants If she didn't want it, she'd be moving heaven and earth to change it just like you did.</p>

<p>Also, many people go away from home for college, are miserable and drop out and even return home. What works for you doesn't work for everyone.</p>

7

<p>
[quote]
I found a program through which I could get in state tuition after one year

[/quote]
</p>

<p>You found a prestigious engineering program at a school in a state where it is easy to become an instate student after one year? Details, please!</p>

<p>
[quote]
if anyone has any ideas I'm quickly running out of time.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>As long as sis takes her SATs there is still almost a year before applications are due. She may mature some during this time and perhaps change her outlook. But it will have to come from within. All you can do is offer her your support in her college search and in fighting the status-quo if that is what she wants.</p>

8

<p>Just one quick thought here, it is NOT absolutely necessary to take the ACT/SAT in order to get into college. Community colleges don't require it, and neither do the more than 700 accredited four year colleges and universities listed at The</a> National Center for Fair & Open Testing | FairTest . So that means that you can stop worrying about your sister and the exams.</p>

<p>Like everyone else has written here, you and your sister are different people. You have different personalities, interests, and goals. If you sit with your sister and listen, really truly listen, to what she says about her life you will have a better idea of how to support her. </p>

<p>Please remember that there are many paths to a fulfilling, productive life.</p>

<p>Wishing you all the best.</p>

9

<p>You seem like you are very caring and worried about your sister. Keep in mind, she isn't you. You seem self motivated, and happy with your choices. You need to remind her to keep her options open, talk to her about alternatives and then let her decide. If she starts at the local school and is unhappy, she can transfer. If she is happy, it may be the place she wants to be.</p>

<p>Good luck. I know this can be challenging---my sister and I are very different people, and we have to remember the same path doesn't work for both of us.</p>