I want to help my siblings because my parents couldn't help me.

Parents Forum
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<p>I am a first generation college bound student. I had average SAT scores high 1800s and a 87-88 GPA in high school. I didn't do any ECs/Sports, my parents wouldn't let me. They didn't know anything about the college admissions process and my counselor could've cared less. My parents are bankrupt and I'm still not 18 yet so loans were impossible to get. I got accepted into a nice state university (main campus) and couldn't afford the cost of attendance even after a nice 20K aid package.</p>

<p>I have 5 siblings; one is 10th, 8th, 5th, preschool, and one is a toddler at 1 year old.
How can I guide them on their way to getting a scholarship and getting into a decent college. I am not talking Harvey Mudd/Swarthmore/MIT/HYPS, but if they could get in I'd be overwhelmed with delight. </p>

<p>My parents don't really care and they just tell us to do well in school and that is it. They have a disillusioned sense of college and think that being smart will fix everything, this is not the truth. One of my classmates who got into Harvard was a wrestling state champion.</p>

<p>My Sis (10th grade) does band and has been doing that for 3 years but she is getting bored and wants to do track this spring. Since I never took part in athletics, I have no idea of how they work. I tried calling my siblings counselor's and they wouldn't have a meeting with me or give me any information. They said it was the student's responsibility and announcements would be made.</p>

<p>So, CC, how can I get my siblings involved in athletics and what's the youngest age they can get into sports? How can I motivate them to do well in school? I was very bright as a kid but my parents never really appreciated it, if I did well in school all they did was brag and show off to family and friends, I never received any of the praise and ever since then I've just not been as smart and stopped caring.</p>

<p>I don't want this to happen to my siblings; please advise me on how I can help them achieve success.</p>

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<p>You are a great sibling to care!</p>

<p>I struggle to keep my kids interested and focused, so I may not have the best ideas, but I’ll share my ideas anyway.</p>

<p>10th grader – 1. You can only encourage she pursue track, you can’t do it for her. Let her know it is fine for her to not be the best. It is intimidating when some of the kids in the sport have been doing it since age 5. My neice isn’t a star athlete, but she find a niche by taking up discus, something few girls participate in. This gave her a method of acceptance into the “track clique.” Some schools will “cut” if the ability level isn’t there; others are club sports and all are welcome. Many schools have Winter Track which is indoors and usually starts in November. Just be aware, being on a team won’t mean a recruited athlete for college. The example you gave was of a state champ. I know in my area parents throw a LOT of money into camps and clinics to get a kid to state champ level. So, please encourage her participation, but don’t let her believe it will lead to college money. If it does, then consider it a bonus.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Encourage her to try a club too. Not to build a college resume, but to explore different paths. I think ECs are just as important as academics in helping to zero in on jobs/college major. The things I enjoyed in HS clubs (organizing dances for instance) helped me personally to realize I enjoy the details of planning. My career is very detailed oriented.</p></li>
<li><p>10th grade is the time to start thinking about college. As you discovered, paying for college is difficult. Early planning allows time to find affordable schools. It also allows time to look at what is needed for Merit Scholarships. Summer before 11th grade is a great time to study for the ACT or SAT.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>All the kids – Sports can start at any age. Some soccor and hockey leagues in my area start at age 4. All team sports (T-Ball, football, etc) start by age 5. Look to local rec leagues (our elementary school hosts), Girls/Boys Clubs of America, CYO, for affordable sports options. Ask before signing up if the parents have to pay additional fees on top of league fees or if parents need to work concession stands. Years ago, for my brothers Little League, I was permitted to work the stands in place of my parents.</p>

<p>Talk to your parents and let them know you would have appreciated them telling you directly that they were proud of your academic accomplishments. Let them know you wish they would tell your siblings directly.</p>

<p>I can tell you, my husband had NO guidance growing up. But there is 18 years difference between his oldest sister and his youngest brother. The youngest benefitted from the path the oldest carved and the feedback she was able to give her parents as an adult. The youngest was the only one of 5 to get an undergraduate degree in the “normal” time frame. He also has a master’s degree. My FIL learned many things and by that last kid he was able to support emotionally and position financially in ways he simply didn’t know how to do for the oldest.</p>

<p>Please, don’t let your parents or your financial situation define your intelligence or drive. The best way to help your sibling is by example. Start caring about yourself again, too!</p>

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<p>@Longhaul
Thanks for the advice, it is DEFINITELY appreciated. My biggest concern is finding the money to pay for school. When I filled my Fafsa, my EFC was 0. I’m trying to determine should I just stick with that or should I speak with a financial advisor and buy some investments. I have to weigh the pros/cons and if I do follow this idea, I will probably lose my full paid for tuition grants at my CC and my siblings will probably receive little FA. Even with FA, I only came upto around 19K.</p>

<p>To motivate my siblings and to educate myself more, I went out and bought all 3 of Cal Newport’s books. One covers success in college, there’s one on study skills and one on how to do well in high school so you CAN get into college. Do you recommend any books worth reading?</p>

<p>I just wanna know how the militaristic parents on CC get their kids into Ivies. It’s like they have an air tight scheme that starts as soon as the child is born. </p>

<p>Oh and thanks for the motivation, I do really need to focus on my studies and motivate myself because if I don’t do well now, I am screwed but this time it’ll be of my own doing. I will not let that happen.</p>

<p>Thank you!</p>

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<p>Don’t lose your grants! Get as much as you can out of the Community College. I don’t know about your school, but our CC has some great folks available to help with transfers to 4yr BUT the student really needs to seek out the help. The office hours are limited, etc. If you want to get through college now, focus on the short term. A financial advisor would be good only long term.</p>

<p>Remember, you get more flies with honey, so please pull back on referring to parents as militaristic. </p>

<p>I have 3 kids – 1 has the IQ to go IVY, but not the structure; 1 will be ifnd no matter what life throws at him; the 3rd is too young to tell. Some kids just have discipline, some don’t. No air-tight scheme. But we do lead by example. We introduced our kids to as many activities as possible – this means going to the “free” museum days, attending symphony events, taking in local rock shows and many local library events. We always have books in the house too. My youngest is 9 and we still will read aloud. Does this mean they will be interested in college or that I can afford it? No. But, I have shown them learning never ends and is “fun.”</p>

<p>I can’t recommend any books. I have focused most of my child rearing effort to reading about high IQ/ADHD, etc.</p>

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<p>I don’t understand your comment on investing. Are you talking about investing your financial aid? I am pretty sure that is not legal. Honestly, one of the best things you can do for your siblings is set a good example. Complete your undergrad education and get a job. Show them how it is done.</p>

<p>I don’t have any specific book recommendations. Except maybe SAT and ACT prep books :smiley: Fundamentally your sibs need very good grades and good test scores for more scholarship money. It is okay to be light on ECs if they are working to earn money for college (but it is good to have that info in the college application so the admissions office knows it). If they don’t have those things, then they should consider community college and then a transfer if possible to an in-state university. If I were you I would be worrying a whole lot more about their academics than about whether they are in sports at this point. Read to your little sibs, help the older ones with their homework when you are around, encourage them to take advantage of any tutoring services offered at your high school, etc.</p>

<p>It sounds like the high school guidance counselor was not much use to you, and may not be for your sibs. You might take your 10th grade sib on a tour at a local college just to generate some interest. A lot of kids get motivated to work harder for college admission once they can see a place where they might be able to go. I wouldn’t aim super high for the visit, someplace that is a reasonable expectation for admission AND not too pricey given your family’s financial situation.</p>

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<p>On financial aid, there could be several possibilities to get better package but we need more info.</p>

<ul>
<li>Did you properly fill FAFSA? Did you properly get all the financial info from your parents? An incomplete or not properly filled FAFSA could adversely effect you financial aid package.</li>
<li>The school you are applying may not be willing to give you a big financial aid. There are schools that are more willing than others. You need to investigate and do proper research and apply to some schools that might be more generous.</li>
<li>Also you can go back to the school that has given you the financial aid package and politely ask for more. You can tell the situation you are in and stress that you are not able to attend if you cannot get more aid.</li>
<li>You do not need a financial advisor for financial aid help, but there might be other experts in the area that might be able to help you. Look for help from your local schools. There are people from different government agencies or charity that may have experts that can help you for free. Talking to your counselor or teachers at your school would be a good start. Also various websites have a lot of information on this, you can find out everything you need to know, it might not be easy but possible to do it by yourself.</li>
</ul>

<p>As for you siblings, there is no magic silver bullet that gets them to be good students and high achievers. The sparks may come from different places but in the end the efforts must come from within themselves. It is not an easy and common thing and it is definitely a lot more challenging for kids in a less than supportive environment. I would say that you should constantly talk to them and be the example which shows them what is possible. Share with them your experience, trials and tribulations that you need to go through and maybe stress to them how easier it would be if you could have done a few things a little better in which now they have a chance to correct while there is still time. Simple fact, if they have very high GPA, very good standard test scores, and a few well balanced ECs, they have very good chance to go to very decent schools for free or very little money with 0 EFC. Nothing usually comes for free, you usually have to work and earn it.</p>

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<p>Intparent, with rising costs of education, pretty much any college that isn’t a community college is too expensive; and the government even paid for that. I think their best bet would be to get phenomenally high SAT scores and get into a Full-need/need blind admissions school.</p>

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<p>@Intparent, the FAFSA was filled out properly and I did politely request if the school could offer me anymore aid even in the way of loans and they said no. In fact they were so rude that when I told them I could not attend due to financial situations they didn’t even bother refunding my housing deposit or enrollment fee. What ticked me off the most was I still get mail from them time to time.</p>

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<p>Well…I may get flamed for this but…</p>

<p>What kind of relationship do you have with your siblings and parents? </p>

<p>If you are close to your 10th grade sibling, I think it’s fine to tell her that you learned a lot about college going through the application process and are willing to share it with her. If she is interested, follow through. You might even go so far as buying a book or two on college admissions and financial aid for her.</p>

<p>I think a better approach would be to talk to your parents. Don’t criticize them. Just say again that you learned a lot about the process from going through it and you’d like your siblings to benefit from what you’ve learned. You might even tell them about this website. </p>

<p>Otherwise, back off. </p>

<p>You’re an older sibling, not a parent. What you may see as being “helpful,” may come across as bossy to your siblings and condescending to your parents. Did you at least have your siblings ’ permission to try to set up a meeting with their guidance counselor?!!Did you tell your parents you intended to do this? If not, I think you were very, very wrong to do it. </p>

<p>You may mean well–I assume you do–but, IMO, you are going about this in a way that is almost sure to backfire. I can tell you that, as a parent, it was hard enough to get my kid interested in the college search in 10th grade. Unless you are extraordinarily close to your sister and she relies on you for advice on life in general, I don’t think this will work. </p>

<p>Again, I assume your heart is in the right place. But trying to set up meetings with your siblings’ guidance counselor was completely inappropriate, IMO. If you did it without your sister’s knowledge, she has every right to be furious with you. So do your parents. </p>

<p>As for ECs, your siblings have to find their own passions. Just because you know one state wrestling champ who got into Harvard doesn’t mean that the sports route to a top college is going to work for your siblings. Not everyone who plays a sport is going to end up state champ. </p>

<p>You have enough on your plate right now with your own CC. Focus on that. If you don’t do well in CC yourself, neither your siblings nor your parents will value your advice.</p>

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<p>I would say don’t give up. This is where you need to have a little persistence. Make an appointment to talk to someone face to face. The worst can happen is that they will say no again.</p>

<p>What is the COA of the school? There is also guaranteed student loans that you can get. That, with part time job and summer job, might get you over the hump. If not, then think about applying to cheaper school, is there state school in your state that you might be able to apply to?</p>

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<p>tubguy92,</p>

<p>Even though reading what people post here at CC can lead you to believe that everyone is trying to get their kid into HYPSM, the truth of the matter is most of us aren’t. We are just trying to find the best solution for our own families whether that is HYPSM or a community college or something in between. Nationwide, the single largest group of traditional-age college students is attends their local community colleges, and the second largest group attends in-state public colleges and universities. You are not alone.</p>

<p>It is unfortunate that you weren’t able to figure out your financial issues until it was too late to recover your deposits. But now you do know, and this means that you will be able to help your younger siblings sort out their finances in time to make a better decision about where to spend the tuition dollars that they do scrape together.</p>

<p>Wishing you, and all your family, all the best.</p>

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<p>I think you need to be realistic. EVERYONE wants a full ride/lots of merit aid. Gotta tell you, an awful lot of the parents who are getting their kids into the ivies can also pay for it (and for tutors, summer programs to beef up their kids academic skills, etc.). It isn’t impossible, but thinking your sibs are going to get into those schools if they aren’t already go-getters is about like thinking you will grow up to be a professional athlete. The kids who are headed for Ivies, especially from less privileged situation, shine early and bright… It is much more realistic to focus on CC and then transferring if you really are in a financial bind. There is nothing wrong with that path. You (and they) are still FAR better off than having no college degree at all. Honestly, your siblings would benefit more from that message than from a “put your head down, work like h***, and hope you make it” philosophy.</p>

<p>You can, if you must, take out private loans to fill the gap if you did not get grants/merit aid. Not that most parents here would recommend that path, at least not a lot of loans. But I am just saying… if you got 19K of aid at the instate flagship in my home state, you would be about $4,000 short of the amount needed to attend for the full year (including living in a dorm, books, etc.). With a decent summer job, you could cut that to $2000. And take out a private loan for that. I am assuming your 19K already includes work study, so you wouldn’t earn more during the school year.</p>

<p>I just checked some other state colleges in our state that are not the flagship/home campus location, and they are several thousand dollars cheaper. Your state also may have reciprocity with other states, so you and your sibs might have more options than you think.</p>

<p>Don’t let CC get you down. It can be disheartening to read about students applying to and getting into places you can’t afford. I think of it as sort of like window shopping… nice to do, but I can’t buy everything I see. It is okay to have dreams, but having a realistic fallback plan (that you can live with!) is super important.</p>

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<p>@to everyone, I tried contacting the guidance counselors with the permission of my parents. They are really upset over me not being able to go to Pitt. They’ve been pushing my siblings to pursue extra currics, be they sports OR bands OR clubs. My sister is very adamant and diligent with her school work and extra curriculars but doesn’t have that spark of genius. You hear about kids who are smart but are lazy, she’s not GENIUS level smart, but is very diligent and is in the top 15% of her class, I on the other hand was in the top 35% lol; stress kills me.</p>

<p>If my younger siblings were given their way, they’d never do homework and just play video games all day long only pausing for bathroom breaks, food breaks, and hand massages after their hands went numb from button mashing.</p>

<p>I did the math for pitt and I came to around 32-26K (tuition, enrollment, housing deposit, room and board, meal plan) and that didn’t include personal costs (gas, clothes, school supplies, laptop, books, etc).</p>

<p>I’m honestly thinking my best bet is to just suck it up and apply to a lower state school (not pitt or penn state or temple; more like shippensburg, west chester, mansfield) or apply to a small private school (goucher, dickinson, gettysburg, albright).</p>

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<p>tub, you have to look at the costs of those schools on your list. Small does not equal cheaper. Dickinson, for example, is over $50K a year (my D goes there, and even with merit money it is a lot more than $19K a year). Gettysburg is similar. Realistically, with no help from your parents, no savings to speak of, and top 35% of your hs class, you probably need to look at state schools that are not the flagship as you mentioned. Private schools probably are not within in your reach. Not trying to rain on your parade, just giving that reality check again… Note regarding your sister, she might get better aid her first year because (1) better grades, and (2) you will still be in college, so your parents will have 2 kids in college. However, she needs to be careful, as that aid will go down once you graduate until the next sibling hits college.</p>

<p>Also, is Pitt even a public university? It was founded as a private college, not sure if that has changed. I just ran the calculator at Penn State, it was about $26K all inclusive for the parameters I plugged in. And what states does Pennsylvania have reciprocity with?</p>

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<p>I don’t understand this. Do you mean that your aid package included parent loans that they could’t qualify for? (In that case, the aid package was worth less – you should only count the part that was grants, student loans, & work study as aid, and your parents bankruptcy wouldn’t effect your eligibility for student loans). It seems to me that $20K should be enough to make a go of it at most public colleges – so I’m not sure why you couldn’t afford to attend with the aid you were given – though I realize that there may be other factors at work.</p>

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<p>

That might be true, but it’s also unrealistic to plan on that. SAT scores alone won’t get them into the school – they will need the GPA to go along with it, and that takes a sustained effort over time, plus the inherent ability to do well even without a lot of parental support. If your siblings are exceptionally bright, fine – but what if your siblings simply have average intelligence? or if you have a bright sibling who has some sort of learning disability and struggles in a particular area, such as with math or writing? They can’t count on winning admission to an expensive private school. </p>

<p>The best advice you can give them is to simply do their best and to keep their grades up.</p>

<p>I think you should also encourage your 10th grade sibling to get a part-time job next summer. Your parents don’t have extra, so each of you kids are going to need the ability to earn pocket money and money for incidental expenses on your own. </p>

<p>You can’t count on any of the other activities meaning much for college admissions. Yes, the wrestling champ at your high school got into Harvard… but what about the other kids on the wrestling team? I’ll bet most of them headed to the cc or a public college, because the only time athletics is going to win an Ivy league spot is when the student is exceptionally good at their sport – and most high school athletes don’t end up being superstars.</p>

<p>

There’s nothing wrong in that. My son finished his education at a Cal State campus – the equivalent of those “lower” state schools; he paid his own way, it was affordable, and he had some excellent opportunities there. Don’t fall into the CC trap of assuming that you need to attend a prestigious university to do well in life – it simply isn’t true.</p>

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<p>7 for 7 now RoqueStar – that’s pretty good for your 1st 30 minutes after registering.</p>

<p>If someone were the suspicious type, they’d say you were spamming the board. I guess your parents probably taught you to be honest upfront about your motives so you and the Nigerian princes learned a new lesson in the interim.</p>