Can I include abuse in my personal statement?

In my personal statement, I want to include how my dad’s abuse towards my mom, but I don’t want it to get reported nor do I want it to be a pity story. Should I still include it? It is not a big detail but not a small one either.

Is this an essay that is going to make a college want to have you on campus? Don’t take the prompts too literally – your family dirty laundry isn’t usually a great thing to include.

Okay. Clearly this is an important issue. The question becomes, is it something that you feel defines you? And what is the best subject for your personal statement? (Or maybe you can write about something completely different.) Your main task, remember is NOT true confessions. It’s to get into college. This topic is important and maybe can wait for another time? Like your biography when you’re famous? Maybe another topic would be easier??

If the answer to that is yes, yes I do want to discuss the abuse in the household, then think carefully about how you write about it. You have done some of that work already by saying that you don’t want it to be a pity story.

That’s a great instinct on your part. Many many of the essays are pity stories or deal with a dreadful event of some sort. They can be numbing if you’re at the admissions end.

That doesn’t mean, don’t do it. That means: if you do it, do it well. Really well. You have the beginnings of a meta perspective on this issue, which is helpful, but see if you can get an even more sophisticated take on it.

  • You don't want it to be a pity story. What sort of story do you want it to be?

Possible answers (brainstorming)–

  • A story of triumph in the face of great difficulty. You are a good student and have survived and even have thrived in a house of chaos and dysfunction. And you will take that ability to cope and thrive with you into your college career / major and eventual career to do X
  • A story of the limits of children in the face of parental dysfunction: I could not protect my mother, not that I didn't try. In the end they are the adults and the best, most loving thing that I could do for my mother was to be the best, most loving person, who does good in the world. I plan to do so by doing xyz. -- or some variation.
  • A story about social justice: that mothers and kids have little recourse under the current state of affairs, as you see them and as you've experienced them, but as you gain your majority, and your education, you will help move the social system forward in specific ways. Or have already done so outside of your house by volunteering or research or helping your mother find help or whatever your solution has been thus far.

There are countless other stories, but the basic ideas that you may want to mark are 1) this has been my life; 2) this is my awareness of the situation thus far; 3) this is how I plan to put this background to good use in the world and in my life; 4) imply that you are strong and resourceful, as you clearly are.

My gut feeling is that if you decide to write about this important topic, in your life and in the world in general, that you don’t make it central. That’s one way to not make it a pity story. If you have a deft writing hand, you may want to consider writing about Another Topic, some perhaps competition that you entered and hoped that it would bring out the best in your parents. Or perhaps some gesture that you made at home. Or some small errand you were asked to run. Those things are fraught with hope that the situation, the basic situation will change, and fear, that the situation will not change, and your one small move could provoke some unwanted reaction.

You may be able to write about this with humor. That is the most sophisticated type of writing, IMHO because it is so hard. It would be a fresh and welcome voice. Just because it’s humorous, doesn’t mean it’s not serious. Humor allows difficult things to be heard, often.

Whatever you choose, show – show not tell – show your parent’s reaction and how it is different based on the underlying abuse. When the audience reads the reaction, they will see what you were up against. Using all of your senses, show the situation.

Best of luck in all ways. You are strong and brave. Remember once you get to college, you may want to consider therapy there. Having someone to talk to about these issues is extremely helpful.

If it’s a big part of challenges you have faced, include it. It won’t count against you and may help you.