Can I name a couple of experiences, rather than one in UC Prompt #2?

College Essays
1

<p>UC prompt:</p>

<p>Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>But alas, I want to use three experiences that had affected the accomplishment. Is it okay to do this, even though it says "a experience"? </p>

<p>For example, lets just say that working at a job, studying in school and volunteering has made me a more hardworking person. is this okay to do?</p>

2

<p>yes, I think that you can as long as all three experiences are supporters of one thesis statement: you as a hardworking person! :)</p>

<p>I am also working on this for the UC :slight_smile: exactly the same topic. But I have no idea how to write it…I also wanted to use more experiences that affected me, but when the essay was finished, I realized how superficial and not in-depth the essay was :'(</p>

<p>hmhm…and it is difficult to choose only one accomplishment because I want to present myself as well as possible…what to do??</p>

3

<p>I read several essays recently to give feedback to my son and his friends. It is a small sampling but there are some common areas of improvement needed among their essays. </p>

<p>internationalstu,
Being “superficial and not in-depth” seems to be common in the essays I read. You are already progressing given that you realize that. Just keep writing, re-writing and you will get there.</p>

<p>Here are some ideas that hopefully will help,

  • Focus, personal depth over breath
    Don’t try to cover too much in a several hundred word essay. It is easy to become generic instead of distinguishing yourself when trying to say too much.</p>

<p>Rafaela,
Although I think internationalstu gave good advice “as long as all three experiences are supporters of one thesis statement”, it would be difficult to go into depth about school, job, volunteer to distinguish youself as a hard working person. 40,000 other applicants all go to school, probably majority of them have jobs, volunteer, activities also.</p>

<p>What personal anecdote do you have to show that you went the extra mile, above and beyond the call of duty at school, work or volunteer to show that you are hard working?</p>

<ul>
<li>What vivid impression do you want to leave after someone read your essay
Summarize it in a few words. Then read the essay to see if you show that. When someone else read your essay, ask them to summarize their impression of you based on your essay in a few words.</li>
</ul>

<p>You know that an adult admission reader will probably only have minutes to read your essay and form an impression of you. Make sure that is vivid and memorable.</p>

<ul>
<li>What information about you have your essay provided in addition to the stats on your app
Your app already include all your classes, jobs, volunteer hours, activities. If you want to talk about them, you must go in depth personally.</li>
</ul>

<p>One common app essay I read talked about the student’s 2 activities which are common activities that everyone knows about. There was nothing on the essay that I cannot already figure out by going through the app. I knew there were incidents that happened to this student in her activities that can show her point. More re-write …</p>

<ul>
<li>Show, don’t tell
Examples of “telling” sentences in essays I read that were much improved later with more “showing”.</li>
</ul>

<p>That was a daunting experience. (What was daunting about it?)</p>

<p>I had a lot of fun. (What was fun about it?)</p>

<p>I learned team work from “activity”. (How so?)</p>

<p>Example of “de-focus generic telling” paragraph replaced with more “focus showing” in one essay about a summer project.
Before:
We did this … We did that … We were excited when we were done.</p>

<p>After (cut down to a couple tasks, part of a paragraph of one task):
The panels had to be exactly twelve and a half degrees in order to be the most efficient. We adjusted, adjusted, and adjusted. We placed the angle measure on the panels and it finally read exactly twelve and a half. Leaping up with a yell, we exchanged an enthusiastic high five.</p>

<p>Possible impressions: persistent, detail oriented, excited about accomplishment</p>

<p>Good luck and keep writing. Sorry that this is so long. But I don’t need to be concise to impress anyone :slight_smile: Your essays should be concise, make sure every word adds value.</p>

<p>BTW, I am a UCB grad in a previous life.</p>

4

<p>Thank you Mei!! This is what I needed!</p>