Can some one critique my CMU essay?

College Essays
1

<h2>Hi, I have been slacking off a bit, so I am a bit pressed on time and I really need help improving my essay for Carnegie Mellon University. Could some one take a quick look over it, and give me some pointers? Thanks in advance.</h2>

<h2>Please submit a one page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program to which you are applying. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and program, your essay can impact our final decision.</h2>

<p>I could start off by describing how great a school Carnegie Mellon is by pointing out things like the diverse community and the quality of education or even say CMU is a core of innovation. Perfect for a talented, curious, creative, experience-seeking student like me, right?</p>

<p>However if I did that, I might as well be applying to the CMU public relations and advertising team. And although that sounds as if it would be a great experience, I would much rather learn about people: how they think, why they do what they do, etc. I find it absolutely and enthrallingly interesting. </p>

<p>Get this, there have been times when I open the internet to go to Facebook; then as I start logging on, I open a new tab and go to my Stumbleupon set on psychology. And by the time I realize that I still haven’t logged in on Facebook, I would have read four or five articles, watched a couple of videos and there would be ten or so tabs open relating to psychology. I just fall into a state of flow; I have over a hundred pages of mind maps drawn out in the subject. Thus my choice of Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences, for psychology and philosophy. I am also thinking of pursuing biology as the biology classes I’ve taken have also given me an insight into understanding people, but alas there isn’t enough room in the common apps. </p>

<p>Over all I want to help people whether it is to be happy or otherwise, in turn giving me a meaningful life as well. And I wouldn’t be able to do this if I cannot understand them. Any way much of this should be stated in my Common Apps essay, so I won’t waste time (yours or mine) being redundant. </p>

<p>Another thing I find is fulfilling is art. Like with psychology, I fall into a state of flow when I start drawing or painting. There have been times when I start a project after I come home from school and keep on working until 1 or 2 am without noticing the time passing by. And as I mentioned before, I make mind maps of my notes, they are so much more fun to make than just copying down what the teacher wrote on the board. Additionally pictures are easier to remember than a mesh of words. Over all looking in to the future, I probably won’t be selling my art because I make them for myself rather than for other’s approval. Hence coupled with the lack of time I haven’t taken art classes before, other than a few online tutorials, of course. But now I want to join the College of Fine Arts to expand my horizon and hone my skills, which by the way could always improve. </p>

<p>Now some people might say why would Carnegie mellon be my number 1, why not some place like Stanford? Valid point. It does offer the programs I am looking into in CMU. As great as it would be to learn from Zimbardo I personally feel that Stanford is a bit overrated. Though this could be a defence mechanism to compensate for me not being able to meet the 6.6% acceptance standard. But I will learn more about that when I take they psyc class in CMU, right? Any way, I have had Carnegie Mellon in mind from when it hosted TEDx. I have always been fascinated with TED; It’s brilliant, gathering so many different minds in one spot and creating a hotbed of innovation. After seeing people like Chris Guillebeau (I still follow him), I wanted to attend CMU and one day to be on TED. </p>

<p>One of my friends, XXXXX YYYYYYYYYYY, attends CMU, and has told me many great things. He has shown me pictures of the Art gallery, which by the way is amazing. And The Fence in itself is a work of art, always changing and encompassing the thoughts and the efforts of the student. As an artist I want to contribute to it, and as a psychologist I want to study it, both ways I want to admire it.</p>

2

<p>I like the idea behind your essay, but I think structurally and grammatically, it needs work. Your introduction is fine, though I would favor joining the first two paragraphs as they address more or less the same point, the purpose of your applying to Carnegie Mellon. Moving on to your body, I like your idea of going into a “state of flow”, but I don’t think that it necessarily ties in with your desire to pursue Carnegie Mellon’s psych program. In that same paragraph, I would suggest eliminating the biology part; it’s abrupt and uncalled for (and the Common App part is a bit unnecessary if you ask me). The following paragraph isn’t very necessary, and maybe there you can spend time discussing how your passion for psychology and its inherent connection with biology has also sparked your interest in studying biology, and how your experience in your biology classes has helped you better understand people. By doing this, you can explain in more detail your interest in biology as it seems to make a brief cameo in your first body paragraph. Then we come into where you start discussing art: again, a very abrupt, cut-off form of moving on. Tie in psychology with art, explaining how art might have an effect on who we are individually and how we think and then bring in some of the sights of the art gallery your friend has shown you that again, sparked such an excitement about Carnegie Mellon. Next, comes the paragraph comparing Carnegie Mellon with Stanford. My suggestion: don’t include it in your essay. First, it sounded a bit sarcastic when I read it the first time around, especially “But I will learn more about that when I take they psyc class in CMU, right?”. It can easily be taken as a sarcastic condemnation of CMU’s psychology program, and I know that’s not what you’re trying to say. Also, the adcoms at CMU already know about Stanford and are very well aware of their competitive psychology program. In other words, it would be like you saying “See, I could be applying to Stanford instead”, and no college wants an applicant like that. In reference to TED, you can say how that was the “icing on the cake” for you to apply to Carnegie Mellon. Go more in depth with TED. Why do you like it so much? Why does it relate to what you plan to pursue? Finally, I would disassemble your current concluding paragraph as I find that it fails to tie in why you would choose Carnegie Mellon. It doesn’t drive your points home. You also fail to mention the kind of path Carnegie Mellon would help you forge in your intended major. Discuss what plans Carnegie Mellon can help you accomplish, discussing specific programs that might help you at doing so. Remember, you don’t want to write an essay where you can change easily change the name of from “Carnegie Mellon” to “Duke” or “NYU”. Also, be aware that there are a few distracting grammatical errors, so have an English teacher proofread it before you submit it. So, my final advice to you would be to write a second draft, organize your thoughts, and focus on why your interests make you an interesting candidate for Carnegie Mellon in particular (as really, that’s the part of the prompt you want to spend the most time addressing). Hopefully, with these suggestions, you can write a winning essay and win over the Admissions committee at Carnegie Mellon.</p>

3

<p>Hmm, thanks, I will start revising this. any other suggestions?</p>

4

<p>Ok i changed it a bit to:</p>

<p>I could start off by describing how great a school Carnegie Mellon is by pointing out things like the diverse community and the quality of education or even say CMU is a core of innovation. Perfect for a talented, curious, creative, experience-seeking student like me, right? However if I did that, I might as well be applying to the CMU public relations and advertising team. And although that sounds as if it would be a great experience, I would much rather learn about people: how they think, why they do what they do, etc. I find it absolutely and enthrallingly interesting. </p>

<p>Get this, there have been times when I open the internet to go to Facebook; then as I start logging on, I open a new tab and go to my Stumbleupon set on psychology. And by the time I realize that I still haven’t logged in on Facebook, I would have read four or five articles, watched a couple of videos and there would be ten or so tabs open relating to psychology. I just fall into a state of flow. Thus my choice of Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences, for psychology and philosophy. Additionally when I can couple CMU’s great psychology program with it’s biology program, a plethora of doors open in the bio-medical psychology field. To top that off CMU has a great computer science program and a technology and human interactions class which is wonderful considering that I program as a hobby. CMU seems to have the perfect combination of everything I like. These will later help me as I move into the world by giving me more options for the things I enjoy. </p>

<p>Another thing Carnegie Mellon would provide for me is an amazing art program. Now you might be wondering how psychology and art are connected, other than with a Rorschach test and maybe therapeutic drawings. Well psychology’s compliment to art through the the study of perception and by understanding different types of perceptual sets, I can use optical illusions to bring a whole new life to a picture. Art’s compliment to psychology is not as straight forward. Yes, I do fall into a state of flow when I start drawing or painting as well. There have been times when I start a project after I come home from school and keep on working until 1 or 2 am without noticing the time passing by. There is that connection, however, the main compliment comes rather from the utility of art. As mentioned in my Common Apps essay, my memory is nowhere near good; so to compensate I make mind maps. It becomes hard to remember the multitude of terms and theories in psychology; but by making mind maps, I can find connections between the different ideas and better understand them. And after the hundreds pages of mind maps (cumilative from all my Stumbeling and my in school notes) my mind is almost primed to make these connections.</p>

<p>Although my drawing and painting skills have been honed from all the mind mapping and individual projects, I have not taken any art classes yet; other than a few online tutorial of course. Therefore my skills could use a lot of improvement and guidance, which I am likely to get based on what I have seen on the College of Fine Arts hall way and Miller galleries: drawings, paintings, photos, sculptures in all sorts of medium and all sorts of styles. Even the architecture of the building was awe inspiring with the domed ceiling and all the marble sculptures. Although I have not seen it first hand, a friend of mine, Akash Bhattacharya, who attends CMU told me about The Fence. I was fascinated by the work of art: always changing and encompassing the thoughts and the efforts of the student. As an artist I want to contribute to it, and as a psychologist I want to study it, both ways I want to admire it.
Carnegie Mellon certainly is prestigious in all the programs I want, but what’s the icing on the cake that makes it my number 1? I have had Carnegie Mellon in mind from when it hosted TEDx. The event introduced me to the ideas of Chris Guillebeau: the Art of Non-Conformity. His talks were innovative and eye opening. Afterwards I was more open to do things my way and take risks. Additionally I wanted to attend the school that hosted such a brilliant event. I have always been fascinated with TED: gathering so many different minds in one spot creates a hotbed of innovation. And TED has opened doors to new ideas and experiences for me, and it has contributed to the person I am to day. It has introduced me to many brilliant contemporaries such as Malcolm Gladwell, Phillip Zimbardo, Pamela Meyer, Elizabeth Gilbert and of course Chris Guillebeau. After learning in CMU, I one day hope to be able to contribute to the TED community and the world.</p>

5

<p>Your introduction in great, your transitions not so much.
This is choppy
“I open a new tab and go to my Stumbleupon set on psychology. And by the time I realize that I still haven’t logged in on Facebook, I would have read four or five articles, watched a couple of videos and there would be ten or so tabs open relating to psychology.”
Make it flow better.
I would delete this. “I just fall into a state of flow.”
The ideas in your essay are well developed and connected.</p>