<p>Question: what motivates people to change?(from the blue book)
We need to change for survival and self-mprovement. Without change, we will be ultimately surpassed by others who are constantly changing. Nature makes us change through natural selection; we drive ourselves to change through ambition and goals.
Take a look at the rabbits running on the field. They are muscular and agile. Moerever, they are the survivors of a long and painful process of change.Going back several hundred years when competitiors for food were rare, these rabbits had much less muscle and much worse hearing those did those today. However, when ferocious competitors, such as wolves and foxes, made their apperance, nature put forward a difficult dilemma in front of the rabbits, and the only way to survive was to adapt to this dangerous environment and change. They developed stronger hinge legs and more acute hearing.Those rabbits that refused to change or didn't change either sat in the competitor's dish or starved to death. When facing life and death, nature forces us to change to become stronger.
Internal influence can also motivate us to change. Personal goal and ambition drive us to hone our skill and strive for the best. My father was born in a sparesely populated small village. He didn't have the memory of a childhood full of parental indulgence , candies, and toys. But when he was a teenager, he was full of ambition. Getting out of this confining cage and seeing the world was his goal. Bearing his playmate's jeer and misunderstanding, he no longer wasted the day with his " friends". Instead, he spent most of his days in the only library in the village and devoured on every single book available. He seemed like a star that deviated from its predestined orbit, but in the end he entered a world that, compared to the one he was used to living in, was a totally different dimension.
nature and personal ambition are like two machines molding us into a new person with a better outlook of ourselves and the environment.</p>
<p>11....great length, good vocab, mistakes here an there.</p>
<p>the prompt asks for what motivates people to change yet one of your examples dealt with animals. That in itself could be a huge deduction. </p>
<p>I'd say 8 or 9 since the examples are not too strong and the conclusion is a bit superficial.</p>
<p>I would say 7~8. "Internal influence" is not strong enough to be a good example.\Try to be as specific as you can. Your examples are too broad and general.</p>
<p>i would say 10-11. the examples are good imo. the only thing is the repetition of the word "change". it disrupted the flow of the essay. so try to use synonyms such as adapt, improve, etc. =D</p>
<p>I don't know why everyone is giving you such high scores. You don't have an introduction or conclusion paragraph. Those are the two things that the graders look for first, and if you don't have them, you usually get a pretty horrible score. Additionally, it's riddled with grammatical issues in almost every sentence and doesn't make much sense.</p>
<p>is the conclusion supposed to be longer? I thought it is...but i guess there are no restrictions....anyways i love the last sentence...your vocab is excellent and the points you made are exceptional...i think you need to develop and put more details about your dad....like did he succeed in the business world and get $$$?</p>
<p>i give your essay a 10.5-11</p>
<p>please read my essay i need help ><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=378176&highlight=essay%5B/url%5D">http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=378176&highlight=essay</a></p>
<p>Conclusions do not matter nearly as much as the intro. I think you can get a fairly high score with a two sentence intro like yours, but try to make your thesis more general - like don't map your paragraphs. I like the survival concept, so I would keep that, and strike out the self improvement. I see that as a subset of survival, so you could instead just focus on survival. In your analysis dealing with your father, just add a sentence or two that describes how his ambition is a result of the "survival of the fittest" mentality within today's materialistic world.</p>
<p>There are quite a few grammar mistakes, but as long as you can keep that to a minimum, that won't detract too much from your essay. I don't think you have a problem at all with the "critical thinking" part that the SAT focuses on so much. Just work on your structure/grammar - vary your sentence structure/add some big words here and there, and you'll definitely do well.</p>
<p>For this essay, I'd give it like an 8-9</p>
<p>any more comments please?</p>
<p>Lol, it's amazing how many people are doing the same essay question!</p>
<p>I'd give it a 6 or 7. </p>
<p>Introduction: You needed more, like a few big SAT words. Why does everyone skimp on intro's nowadays? Oh my.</p>
<p>Body Paragraph 1: Well, since your essay is on what motivates people to change, I can't understand why you would use rabbits for an example. I'm just confuzzled by it. And I know that readers will catch on to it. Your essay is on what motivates (key word is "motivates," as in to consciously do it) PEOPLE to change, not rabbits.</p>
<p>Body Paragraph 2: Not bad at all, but the language comes out as too simple. Also, "He seemed like a star that deviated from its predestined orbit, but in the end he entered a world that, compared to the one he was used to living in, was a totally different dimension." What does this have to do with motivating change?</p>
<p>Conclusion: No. You should restate your thesis, restate your examples, and end with a lingering statement. Of course, you may not want to have such a generic conclusion, but it works better than one sentence that sounds like it came from a world-renowned philosopher!</p>