Please grade/critique my practice essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<h2>Prompt: What motivates people to change?</h2>

<p>It has long been a hallmark of existentialism and other metaphysically libertarian schools of thought to cite change as coming from within, as if, by sheer will power, it is possible to shift not only one's behavior, but one's true self, the latter including his or her conscience and very core personality. Though this perspective would certainly be considered the most desirable by those who contempate such an issue, it is also a view that has remained unsupported by any research completed in the fields of psychology, biology, and other relevant sciences. All information compounded in these subjects points to a decidedly less romantic but overwhelmingly more probable world of mechanistic determinism, of which we are but another component. In light of the evidence to which I briefly alluded and the proceeding conclusion, true change is impossible, in that our entire lives, from our first breath to our last, are rigidly set even before we are born.</p>

<p>One could, of course, argue that change exists even so, regardless of the role of consciousness in its execution. Such an argument would maintain that any deviation from previous circumstances, such as an alteration of religious belief or a sudden desire to help others, are in fact instances of change. Still, this method of thinking continues to deny the existence of free will, and any change is left to the environment. If a man becomes philanthropic or deeply religious after surviving a great danger, the cause of said change is no longer attributed to the man, but to that danger.</p>

<p>Regardless of which of the preceeding arguments one chooses, each path will lead invariably to the same destination. The original question being "What motivates people to change?", our conclusion, simply, is that man can no more control change in himself than a personal computer can consciously decide to turn on or off. This answer renders the entire question not only largely irrelevant but even unanswerable with anything more than a simple "Nothing."</p>

2

<p>bump</p>

<p>Please score it. :(</p>

3

<p>IMO it’s a good essay but a bad SAT essay. Not too sure about score; maybe 6 or 7? I don’t know…</p>

<p>Foremost, it’s too abstract. Or high-level, if you want to think of it that way. At any rate, you don’t seem to have any concrete examples. Yeah, you vaguely referred to some studies, but most of it focuses on semantics and definitions and other abstractions.</p>

<p>Remember, CollegeBoard wants the basic argument. So pull an example from history, from literature, from personal experience…but make it concrete and lucid [something that this essay, to put it bluntly, wasn’t]. And elaborate on that. The essay graders have to sift through hundreds of submissions; chances are when they get to yours, and it doesn’t make sense to them very quickly, you will receive low scores.</p>

<p>Note that this doesn’t mean your writing is bad [I actually liked it], but I don’t think it would work well on the SAT. And if you managed to get that out in the timed writing period, hats off to you…</p>

4

<p>“In light of the evidence to which I briefly alluded and the proceeding conclusion”
Try to avoid being too wordy.</p>

<p>“Still, this method of thinking continues to deny the existence of free will, and any change is left to the environment.”
Following “regardless of the role of consciousness”, this sentence strikes me as out of place, but perhaps the latter phrase is misleading me.</p>

<p>I agree with zoaxanthellae that your essay seems to lack concrete examples. Perhaps it would be more effective if you quoted specific philosophers rather than summing up entire schools of thought. How about Spinoza’s take on determinism?</p>

5

<p>Thank you both very much. I’ve considered your reviews, and you are 100% correct. I have a tendency to either neglect detail or to focus too much on it, sacrificing my overall message and coherency. In this case, I provided no actual examples, so I will definitely work on that. :)</p>

6

<p>This is good material for commentary. So just throw in literary, historical, personal examples :]</p>