<p>I wrote an essay pertaining to my father not being around for me and how it has effected me. These last two paragraphs I wrote I also have a wonder to if they should be apart of together...read:</p>
<pre><code>Facing a lot of challenges with out my father being there isnt easy. Though it is frustrating, I am aware that it is that its okay to be angry. I have been under the illusion that he is hurting me by not being around. In reality, I am surrounded by people who love me, and they have witnessed with their own eyes, what I have become, a bright and responsible young man.
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<p>I was raised to stay out of the crowd; to be a leader and not a follower. I made it this far having been raised without a father, and I still have a long road ahead of me. I have been able to over come adversity in my own personal life and excel to levels I never saw myself four years ago. This is why I want to be a part of this university. Enrolling in this school would be my first step towards achieving my goals for myself and for my family. With much gratitude to my mother and grandparents, I have something to look forward to. Because my father was not around for me, I can show that I can handle adversity and prove to myself and everyone that I can become successful. Honestly, looking back at the way things turned out for me, I wouldnt have it any other way.</p>
<p>So what do u guys think? Better off together or apart?</p>
<p>This might sound harsh but as of now, these paragraphs are kind of redundant and the syntax/wording is really choppy. for example, i would rewrite the first line as “Facing challenges without the guidance of a father has been difficult.” also, you last paragraph isn’t really saying anything. it’s kind of like a “summary” paragraph and it’s fluffy and sounds like you don’t exactly know what it is you are trying to say, like you’re rambling. instead you should have a final paragraph that show something new, something that you yourself haven’t realized before you began thinking about growing up without a father, growing up with only your mother and grandparent. what is the “so what?” of this essay. really figure out what you are trying to say and do more showing than telling. think in images. hope that helps and i don’t mean to sound rude or mean. i’m just trying to help. don’t take any offense.</p>
<p>I think that the paragraphs would be better off separate, but you should add a tad bit more to your first paragraph - something highlighting who these people in your life are and how “bumpy” the road to this discovery was - with more imagery, as the poster above me mentioned. And, agreeing again with the poster above, your final sentence should be more powerful and stand on its own, rather than refer greatly to previous words, something along the lines of what exactly you discovered about yourself through the flow of these words, and the sheer power of such a great discovery. Also, you should fix some of the grammatical errors in the paragraphs.</p>