<p>I'd appreciate it greatly if a parent could read over my essay and give my some insights into what I should do to improve it.</p>
<p>Thanks.</p>
<p>I saw it when you had it posted. It was a nice essay, and I thought you did a good job showing how you've evolved in terms of how you are able to empathize with your dad.</p>
<p>My only concern about the essay is that my experience as a Harvard alum interviewer has been that lots of Asian students focus on their relationships with their parents. They do this so much that the topic is virtually a cliche even though your experience differs from many because your dad was disengaged from your academic performance.</p>
<p>If you're applying to colleges that get lots of Asian applicants and that also have such an overabundance of outstanding applicants that essays count a great deal in admissions, I suggest using a different topic that isn't as overused by asian applicants. However, if you decide to submit this one, the good news is that it's better done than most Asian family essays that I've seen.</p>
<p>Best of luck!</p>
<p>Thanks Northstarmom, I appreciate it. Do you have any advice on which parts I should change to improve it?</p>
<p>I thought it was written very well, and it was written in a way that also reflected well how you changed in terms of empathy and maturity. It also seemed to be in your voice. I got a feel for your personality and character. </p>
<p>There was nothing glaringly wrong with it. I don't suggest any drastic changes because I fear that making any such changes would cause it to use its uniqueness and seem like an essay that was done under the tutelage of a consultant -- something that the top colleges really dislike.</p>
<p>If you want to try tweaking it, try reading it aloud to see if there are any awkward phrases. Also see if there are any more places in which you can provide specifics -- showing, instead of telling about your experiences. (As I remember, you've already done a nice job with that). The other thing to check is to see if there are any places that you can substitute strong verbs for weak verbs (one usually can see weak verbs because they are linked with an adverb. For instance, "trotted" is a strong verb. "walked very fast" is weak. Storng verbs allow you to use just one verb, not a verb with an adverb. ). Allso check to see if there are any places to change passive to active construction. "I heard him say," is an example of passive construction. "He told me" is active construction.</p>
<p>All of these are general guidelines that good writers use to sharpen their work.</p>
<p>Best of luck!</p>
<p>Thanks once again.</p>