Can Someone Please Critique My Essay

<p>First question on the common app
As I collapsed on the pavement after running the mile at my middle school, I realized I needed to change. I was always the last to finish the suicides in basketball practice; feeling as though I could never catch my breath as I barely made it to my dad’s car in the parking lot. Eating for a family of four during a school lunch was my daily routine, where my asked, “Is that all for you”. Walking one classroom to another seemed liked a marathon even though it was never that far away. All of these symptoms should have appeared as red flags, but I never noticed them until that one fateful day. My weight loss journey showed the drive and perseverance that I always dreamed of and use today in and outside the classroom.
Healthy eating and exercising came during the end of my 8th grade year. Motivated to succeed at new goal of weight loss, I started venturing to my local gym, Lifetime Fitness. The place I always dreaded became the area where I achieved every little hurdle I set for myself. Also, instead of my gigantic lunches, I started implementing fruits and vegetables and cut off gluten and diary entirely. Even though it was a complete lifestyle change, I was adamant in this decision with only a few minor missteps, which included an unfortunate packet of raisinets. By the end of that summer twenty pounds had disappeared and I was even more inspired to loss more. Throughout that year, I maintained my exercise and eating plan. Basketball tryouts arrived that fall and I was able to obtain a position on the freshman team. By the end of my freshman year, I had lost a total of seventy pounds and reached all of my goals in the process. Because of this, the upcoming years of my academic career brought great success. Through more hard work, I eventually became a member of the varsity basketball team.
My weight loss experience has taught me that wanting to do something is not the same as acting on it. I learned of my ability to overcome any immense challenge through my newfound ambition and determination. I became more aware of the importance of my schoolwork, improving greatly as my high school years went on. Also, basketball was an intricate aspect of the process because it was another adversity I had to push through while losing weight. I aspire to bring my self-discipline to Christopher Newport University and want to inspire others through my journey.</p>

<p>okay. Loosing weight and how it affects you is a good topic. But you need to make the statement more personal. How did being fat specifically affect you? </p>

<p>I too have lost a lot of weight. If I was going to write about being overweight I’d talk about my experience going out with a girl, only to have her go cold when she saw my belly stick out.</p>