<p>where did you get this??</p>
<p>I read this in chicken soup for the soul! if you get caught, THEN you will have a story to write!!</p>
<p>1) If this is really your college essay, posting it online probably isn't the hottest idea.
2) Your references to grad school convey an impression that undergrad is merely a stepping stone to another goal, which is not good, since most undergrad schools want to know how you'd "fit" in and what you'd contribute.
3) Reference to minimum wage job sounded really presumptuous and gives the idea that you're concerned with material success.</p>
<p>Biggest problems:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You didn't kill all the "big words." You seem to use "nihilism" at every possible opportunity. Phrase it differently throughout the essay. We know you know what it means. Also, re:"eliminating my primary time sink in high school." Colloquialisms, "big words" and "big topics" (teaching the reader about Nietzsche) don't work well together. There's stuff like that throughout the essay. If you think you’re smart, write intelligently. </p></li>
<li><p>The first two paragraphs set up something interesting, but you contradict yourself several times. You start off with "I came to think academic success was more important than anything else..." and yet by the end of the paragraph you are still saying "I do not enjoy most social activities." Who would want a college student who does nothing but work? If you don't like most social activities, tell them what you DO like that is social. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Unique as I am, I ultimately realized that my problems were not all that different from the problems that other college students typically face.</p>
<p>How'd you realize this? What problems to “other college students typically face?” You think you’re the only one who is struggling to find what’s important to them? </p>
<p>my intrinsic love of knowledge.</p>
<p>Delete intrinsic. And see above about “big words.” </p>
<p>*My interest in astronomy, my agnosticism, my tendency to question authority, my inability to conform to social norms, my wide reading in the social and natural sciences, my lack of close friends in real life –all predisposed me to nihilistic thoughts. *</p>
<p>Interesting...but far too vague. If you take one or two of those points, an essay could be written from that alone. Why not try that?</p>
<p>*I also now care more about learning than about my academic transcript, so that I am more inclined to study independently of class. *</p>
<p>In what way? What have you learned? Where have you gone?</p>
<p>Nihilism also tends to bring relativistic attitudes into the fray,</p>
<p>Huge statement. Any proof? Actually, don’t prove it, just omit it. To prove it would be an essay in itself. </p>
<p>So even though I have not found a replacement, my thinking is no longer dominated by nihilism.</p>
<p>Huh? Why? You just leapt to a random conclusion.</p>
<p>While this period of nihilism had coincided with a major life change, which in turn impacted my grades and learning in a negative way</p>
<p>Again, far too vague.</p>
<p>Aww man, this thing's a mess, to be honest. Anyone reading this would think when you started out with "I came to believe that academic success was more important than anything else." that the rest of the essay would be about an experience engaging in the real world that taught you to value other things and become a more well-rounded person. Instead, even by the third paragraph, you say " this turned out to be too optimistic." What?? And by your conclusion, when you should be talking about how much you learned at the homeless shelter you worked at, you're talking about nihilism.</p>
<p>Can the Nietzsche--there are people who will be reading this who know far more about him than you do. Why explain who he is? Why not explain who YOU are and tie in one thing you think you have in common with him? </p>
<p>Rework the essay from the ground up. Throw this draft aside. I'd be glad to help you some more. The essay lacks focus and coherence. You go through the motions of a conclusion but it's as random as each preceding paragraph. You may be unique but your essay is far from it. And the trick is to come across as unique through words. You have no shot otherwise. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>"since I do not enjoy most social activities. "</p>
<p>American universities aren't looking for recluses who only want to study. Being social -- liking other people, being able to work well on teams including work teams, caring about other people -- all are considered important characteristics in colleges, grad schools as well as in corporations. Extracurricular activities on American college campuses are considered very important, and colleges want students who will contribute to those as well as excel academically.</p>