Can someone please critique this essay?

<p>Microsoft word => double spaced, 3 pages. Essentially, the assignment is to write about a topic of your choice, so here's it. Here are the instructions:
"Compose a three-page essay, give or take a paragraph or two, in which you apply the basic principles of good structure and diction to your prose. I may also evaluate other facets of your writing, but I will pay particular attention this time to your overall architecture and word choice. I encourage you to write in a relaxed, spontaneous manner when composing your first draft. But then return to your writing to edit and to revise it: watch especially for possible improvements in structure and in diction."</p>

<p>During my high school years, I came to believe that academic success was the paragon of virtue. I planned on learning as much as possible such that I could tread on the steep pathway to a graduate school in the sciences. Though I was born to Chinese parents, my academic ambitions were primarily the product of self-motivation. Even though I squandered much time on Internet forums and computer games, raw intelligence helped carry me through high school and into university.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, I had idealistic dreams of my pathway through college. I was fully cognizant that I would not have faced the same problems that other college students face – namely, problems related to drugs and excess socialization, and thus I expected to be able to study for unprecedented amounts of time. But I did not realize how much time I could squander on the Internet and on daydreaming, nor did I realize how difficult it was to develop work ethics that never fully matured in the first place. Moreover, I wasn’t necessarily prepared to be a more independent learner, since I was still under the impression that the student didn’t really need to read the textbook when he was under a good lecturer. Such difficulties were not unique to me, but the additional issue that really drove the nail into my skin was that I gradually came to the realization that there wasn’t really any point to life. In other words, I became a nihilist. Such a paradigm tore my old beliefs about the virtue of academic success into ruins. My interest in astronomy, my agnosticism, my tendency to question authority, my inability to conform to social norms, my wide reading in both the social and the natural sciences, all of these provided the perfect recipe for nihilism. Such a philosophy had its appeal for me, for I was externally motivated and tired of making ambitious plans in math and science, but I rather wanted to relax more, and nihilism provided the justification for such an action.
Realizing that both grades and societal status were both arbitrary, I started to care little about my grades. I became aimless and disorganized. Every activity that I found remotely interesting became a timesink since there was no longer any reason not to pursue such a thing. Self-control paved way to voluptuous daydreaming. I tried my hand on computer games again, losing all inhibition I had against wasting time. Eventually, I lost faith in my own ability to study, resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy that caused me to give up hope. But on the other hand, I had to realize that I came to college under the support of parents and of the university, and that if I failed out of school or caused my parents too much disappointment, they would prevent me from continuing my studies, forcing me to live a life that I would not want to live. While life is pointless, I at least had to acknowledge that I still have to fulfill my biological drives and that it was also pointless just to drop out of school.<br>
As the novelty of nihilism wore off I had to think about my future again. In conversations with other people, I realized that many people became nihilists in the past, but yet continued to move on with their lives. Many of them moved onto existentialism, that is, they created their own meaning for themselves. While I came to realize that there is no real reason why academic pursuits are more important than other pursuits, I came to realize that if I were to pursue a vocation that would stimulate me, an academic field would be the way to go. I found many parallels in my experience to the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900). Nietzsche was known for propounding the theory that with the breakdown of religion, nihilistic beliefs prevail. But with self-overcoming and the creation of new values, we can make ourselves deeper and stronger.
But was the process a total loss for me, the period of nihilism, a period of zero personal development? Not necessarily. My original plan involved the pursuit of science to the exclusion of all other fields. But the recent development had persuaded me that the pursuit of natural science to the exclusion of everything else was not necessarily the ideal route to go. I want to think of why I am here, of the implications of the pursuit of natural science, of the relation of science both to the world and to myself. Furthermore, I felt more so than ever to question my beliefs and convictions. Relativistic attitudes also come with nihilism, and such attitudes impel me towards a greater tolerance of different belief systems, as well as political apathy. With that comes a greater possibility of converting to a new belief system when the time comes, if such a belief system seems rational and productive. In the words of Bertrand Russell, “Philosophy is to be studied, not for the sake of any definite answers to its questions, since no definite answers can, as a rule, be known to be true, but rather for the sake of the questions themselves; because these questions enlarge our conception of what is possible, enrich our intellectual imagination, and diminish the dogmatic assurance which closes the mind against speculation; but above all because, through the greatness of the universe which philosophy contemplates, the mind also is rendered great, and becomes capable of that union with the universe which constitutes its highest good.”<br>
So even though I have not found a new paradigm to subscribe to, nihilism does not dominate my thinking anymore. While this period of nihilism had coincided with a major life change, which in turn impacted my grades and learning in a negative way, I am now more determined to try to control my impulses such that I can learn as much as possible, eventually landing a position in graduate school.</p>

<p>Honestly, it's boring.</p>

<p>It's got to have more "you."</p>

<p>It needs personal tone.</p>

<p>Boring. Sounds like you went out of your way to impress them with a thesaurus. Not bad ideas, though.</p>

<p>what is this essay for? that would help me evaluate it.</p>

<p>After the first paragraph, it gets boring. It seems too wordy and doesn't have enough "you" in it.</p>

<p>wow i m reading Nietzsche for class right now</p>

<p>To be honest, I think this essay is you in a nutshell.
I don't know you, but from what you've described in your essay I can sense that you have a need to impress - thus all the "sophisticated" words. "if I failed out of school or caused my parents too much disappointment, they would prevent me from continuing my studies"
Could it be that your parents have passed on their hope on you?</p>

<p>I think that this essay, like you, is boring.
You seem very introverted with all the computer games, daydreaming, surfing on the internet and the studdying. </p>

<p>This is just what I think, I'm no psychologist what so ever, but I got the impression from your essay. If the teacher get the same, I can't tell.
But I can tell you that I don't think that anyone would like to read your academic career in an essay. "I encourage you to write in a relaxed, spontaneous manner when composing your first draft." That's not what you did.</p>

<p>This Is So Stupid!!! You Have No English Teacher To Critique This??</p>

<p>If This Is Your College Essay, Not Only Is It Boring, But 50 Other People Could Steal It And Use It For Their Essay (idk Why They Would But Still). Bad Idea.....ask A Moderator To Delete This Topic.</p>

<p>hmm..^^ that was typed in all caps</p>

<p>Why is it boring to surf the internet and daydream? I do those a lot :).</p>

<p>I liked the concept- the parallel between the German philosopher's ideas and the happenings in your own life were interesting and the story was surprisingly identifiable, for me anyway.</p>

<p>My only advice would be to start off with something more interesting rather a background story- everyone has one... they're all the same... Start and end with the heart of the tale.</p>

<p>Do you speak like that and use words like that on a regular basis? If so, then that is a "you" essay. If you don't talk like that or are trying to "write up" or "write better" to impress your teacher, they'll see it coming from a mile away. The first essay I wrote for my English class, I tried to write really, really impressively, and my teacher picked up on it immediately.</p>

<p>Wow, I second that thesaurus idea. Jeez, no one likes to read that. Reading my physics books aren't even as boring as this...</p>

<p>voluptuous? cognizant? paragon? nihilism? relativistic? paradigm? dogmatic?</p>

<p>Throw away the thesaurus.</p>

<p>"voluptuous? cognizant? paragon? nihilism? relativistic? paradigm? dogmatic?</p>

<p>Throw away the thesaurus."</p>

<p>LOL. that's funny</p>

<p>Updated =) Please critique (I killed all of the big words)</p>

<p>During my high school years, I came to believe that academic success was more important than anything else. I planned on learning as much as possible in order to get accepted by a graduate school in the sciences. Upon learning that I could enter the university two years earlier than normal, I got excited about the prospect of obtaining the freedom to study whatever I wanted to sooner rather than later.
I believed that I could do anything if I could apply my will to it, that I would be capable of studying for longer amounts of time than I was ever able to – which was why I decided to live in the university dorms. I thought that I had all of the time in the world since I did not have extra-curriculars, a commute, too many friends, or any other potential sink of time. I also expected that I would not face the same problems that other college students face – like drugs or excess socialization, since I do not enjoy most social activities. Finally, I did not bring my computer games with me to university, eliminating my primary time sink in high school.<br>
Nonetheless, this turned out to be too optimistic. I was not prepared to be a more independent learner, since I was still under the impression that the student did not need to read the textbook and that education was the responsibility of the institution more so than the responsibility of the student. Furthermore, college required a type of thinking different from that type that I was used to. Many of the math and physics problems seemed to be insurmountable and I became frustrated at my inability to meet my own expectations. Internet surfing, daydreaming, and aimlessly walking around campus replaced computer games as the main culprit of wasting my time, even though I did not engage in practices that waste the time of most other college students. Impulse control turned out to be much more difficult than I previously thought. I concurrently started to become fascinated by nihilism – the notion that life is pointless. My interest in astronomy, my agnosticism, my tendency to question authority, my inability to conform to social norms, my wide reading in the social and natural sciences, my lack of close friends in real life –all predisposed me to nihilistic thoughts. Such thoughts would provide a justification for me to no longer care about my grades, so that I could finally stop stressing myself out over my grades so much. Since I stopped trying to control my own impulses, my self discipline and performance deteriorated as the quarter progressed. I became aimless and disorganized, attracted to any lure of even remote interest. Eventually, I lost faith in my own ability to study, resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy that caused me to give up hope.
As the novelty of nihilism wore off I had to start thinking about my future again. After talking with several people who had become nihilists in the past, I realized that they still yet continued to move on with their lives. Many created their own meaning for themselves. Furthermore the image of working on minimal wage jobs for the rest of my life is certainly an unattractive one. Whether they have a belief system or not, people still desire to seek happiness in their lives. While there is no intrinsic reason why academic pursuits are more important than other pursuits, I would probably be happier with academic pursuits, given my personality characteristics. So after my period of nihilism, I concluded that I would be happiest studying as much as possible for the next few years, but with a different approach than the one that I previously thought of. My experience had many parallels to the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900). He was known for propounding the theory that nihilistic beliefs prevail with the breakdown of religion and old values. But with an internal struggle with our own belief systems and by examining them from multiple perspectives, we can make ourselves deeper and stronger. We can then create new values that are independent of those of society.
Despite the damage that it did to my academic performance, my period of nihilism gave me some insight to life. My original plan involved the pursuit of science to the exclusion of all other fields. Now I know this is not the ideal route to go if I want to think about the relation of science both to other fields of knowledge and to myself. Nihilism has made me more open to new experiences that allow me to learn more about the world. I also now care more about learning than about my academic transcript, so that I am more inclined to study independently of class. Furthermore, I am now more open to questioning my own beliefs instead of stubbornly clinging onto them. Nihilism also tends to bring relativistic attitudes into the fray, and such attitudes impel me towards political apathy and greater tolerance towards different points of view. With tolerance comes a greater possibility of converting to a new belief system when the time comes, if it is convincing enough.
So even though I have not found a replacement, my thinking is no longer dominated by nihilism. While this period of nihilism had coincided with a major life change, which in turn impacted my grades and learning in a negative way, I am now more determined to try to control my impulses such that I can learn as much as possible, so that I can eventually land a position in graduate school to pursue my intrinsic love of knowledge. Though I fell somewhat behind, one year is not such a big deal. Unique as I am, I ultimately realized that my problems were not all that different from the problems that other college students typically face.</p>

<p>It's a little more readable now, but the essay is a bit boring. It borders on esoteric, but it's focused on such a small point that it seems almost shallow. Adding the bit about Nietzsche makes it feel a lot less personal and a lot more pretensious. </p>

<p>If I were you, I'd pick a whole new concept.</p>

<p>Just seeing that huge block of text forces me to avert my gaze.</p>

<p>
[QUOTE]
Just seeing that huge block of text forces me to avert my gaze.

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>same....(10)...</p>

<p>I only read the revised version... And I'm simply offering my own two cents. as I'm far from a great writer myself, just take what I have to say with a grain of salt. Also, please don't take offense, as such is not my intention at all. well, is English your first language? Because I've met people from Asian who write in insanely impersonal and formal way like you do here. A few words seem quite repetitive, and the tone just isn't right to me; it's really quite distant and formal. What this essay reveals about you simply aren't things American Educators like to see, either. Studying really isn't everything, or even the greater part of life. And somehow I have a problem with your conclusion paragraph. I mean...it's all good that you get something positive out of a negative experience, but I think there are other ways to convey that and other points to hit. Lol, you really remind me of some chinese students who think academic is the only thing in life~~</p>