<p>This is the very first essay I've ever written. I was way off time but I guess it's fine for a first time... I would be grateful for any correction...</p>
<p>ASSIGNMENT: Can the daily actions of average people have a significant impact on the course of history?</p>
<pre><code>Placing a mark in the course of history is a long and painful process. It requires eccentric audacity and dogged persistence that highlight the very difference between those who have an impact on the course of history, and those who just follow a routine of actions that serve no major purpose. Considering such division, I don’t agree with the statement that average people have a significant impact on the course of history, primarily because such people lack the crucial qualities of what producing changes requires.
The first example I would like to highlight is related to one of the most prominent protagonists in the U.S. history of equal rights assurance, Martin Luther King Jr. He remained steadfast in his decision to overtly counteract the oppressive attitudes toward African-American community. Martin Luther King became famous for using non-violent civil disobedience to overcome injustice and invalidate the application of the segregation laws. In 1963, he delivered his famous speech of great oratory “I have a dream," a speech in which he encompassed the theme of a just society where people would not be considered on terms of skin color but in terms of character content and contribution to the nation. As an outcome, he become not only the leader of the civil right movement, but also the voice of the aspirations of the average people who were intrepid to bring down the dogmatic racial beliefs of the time. Would the civil rights movement have acknowledged such popularity and acceptance if it were to be based on the actions of average people? Surely not, because it was Martin’s courage, resolution and tactful approach, and not ordinary people’s tentative apathy to the problem, which made a difference.
Another example I would like to bring up adheres to the field of history. One of the most noted protagonist in the struggle to gain independence from the 13 British colonies is definitely Deborah Samson. Deborah Samson is acknowledged for her courage and patriotism in willingly participating in the revolutionary war .Unlike many others, she offered her military contribution and unswerving claims for fighting the enemies even after being wounded twice. As an outcome, she became the archetype of her era, an example to follow for each woman.
According to the above-mentioned examples I strongly conclude that only people who dare to risk and bring something new can be the catalysts that change the course of history and leave an indelible mark behind. And as the American musician Gerard Way said, “Heroes are ordinary people who can make themselves extraordinary.”
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<p>I don’t want to be harsh, but:<br>
First I disagree with your assessment, but I suppose that’s a matter of opinion.
Second, it doesn’t seem that English is your first language. It would be better if that did not come through in your essay.
Third, your arguments seem weak.</p>
I think the thesis should be reorganized or made less wordy
Avoid starting off paragraphs with “my first/second/another example” etc.
Not very long and didn’t containt a third body paragraph
Contains some redundancy (saying something relates to a field of history when that person is clearly a historical figure)
Your conclusion needs to start off differently than “according to” and should not say that you are concluding yourself</p>
<p>Overall, I think you have good writing skills but you need to work on organization and depth. It seems as if you spent the entire time focusing on using vocabulary (dogmatic?) rather than focusing on content.</p>
<p>I’d give it a low score of 6/12 and a high of 8/12.</p>
<p>Hi. It is a good essay for a beginner. First, you have great organization skills, but use better transitions. It will allow your essay to flow, thus increasing its readability. Think therefore, thus, furthermore, in addition, etc…The transitions you used are basic and elementary, so while it is organized, it is also very clunky. Not only that, but some of the things you said are either entirely too verbose or extremely redundant. Also, while saying “I” is not as looked down upon as much here as it is in research papers, it is still quite unprofessional.
You’ve got the examples and stuff down pat. However, there is a huge and obvious disparity in quality of writing between your introduction and the rest of the paragraphs. The introduction is about your thesis, so only waste a bunch of time on it if you have it left over. It seems like you spent so much time on your intro that you forgot about the conclusion until the last 3 minutes.
Remember, practice makes perfect. As it stands, this essay will net between a 6 and an 8 out of 12 in my opinion.</p>