<p>I'm new to the SAT and would really appreciate if somebody could read over my first essay and give me some brief feedback and a mark please so I know where I'm at. </p>
<p>Thank you so much!</p>
<p>The prompt is:
Can the daily actions of average people have a significant impact on the course of history?</p>
<p>Answer:
The daily actions of average people do have a significant impact on the course of history. Without average people, there would be no progress or impact upon society and therefore history would never change. This can be seen both in the past, where the everyday actions of Rosa Parks caused a significant change in history and also in the future, where the daily actions of our society will affect history through climate change. </p>
<p>Firstly, Rosa Parks was an average African-American who had a job as a seamstress in a local department store. Everyday she would commute to and from work on the bus, sitting at the back of the bus which was reserved for negros. This was an everyday action for black people riding on buses at that time. However, on December 1 1955, Rosa Parks was told to stand up and give her seat in the black section of the bus to a white man as the white section was full. Parks, an average African-American, took a leap of faith, refusing to give up her seat in order to stand for equal rights. This one small action woven into her everyday life instigated the Civil Rights Movement and a new era characterised by the fight for equal rights. This had a deep impact on the increasing equality between 'black and white' ethnicities which continues today. </p>
<p>Secondly, the daily actions of our society are being scrutinised as a serious contributor to global climate change which will have a significant impact on the course of history in the future. For example, the decision to drive your car into work or the failure to turn the light switch off when leaving a room are both daily actions we all can say we have done, however these actions, which are seemingly small, are causing the melting of polar ice-caps, an overall increase in global temperatures and a rise in the occurrence of natural disasters. These are just a few of the ways the daily actions of our society will inevitably change the course of history. </p>
<p>In conclusion, daily actions of average individuals in the past have already changed history as seen with Rosa Parks and the continuing progress in terms of human rights. The daily actions of our own society will also affect what our children and grandchildren learn as their 'history' as they will be living in a very different world to the one we live in today due to our impact on climate change. Every single human being makes an impact on the world at large. </p>
<p>This essay hovers around the high 4 to low 5 range, so depending on the graders, you’ll get anywhere from an 8 to a 10. That being said, this essay is probably closer to an 8 because the transitions could be better (“firstly” and “secondly” are generally frowned upon) and your thesis could be clearer. I understand that you’re trying to make it somewhat two-pronged but the wording just sounds too awkward to make sense. </p>
<p>As far as general writing goes, although the intro and conclusion don’t have to be great (one or two sentences each should honestly suffice), they could be better. Also, while I see that you sprinkled in some good vocab (instigated, scrutinized, inevitably), you could use more. Throw in words that are universally-utilized such as “plethora” and “paragon” - they make you sound better. :P</p>
<p>At first glance, I would probably give the essay an 8 (which is good for a first try!). You have a 4 paragraph essay that is clearly organized into an introduction, supporting evidence, and a conclusion. It reads smoothly without a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. But some additional examples and another supporting paragraph would really make your essay stronger.</p>
<p>Overall, I think the area you should focus on for improvement is the content of the essay. Ideally the SAT is going to want 5 paragraphs: intro, 3 supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your supporting paragraphs should each have a topic sentence that states your main point (note: this is different from stating your example). In addition, you want to aim to have 3 solid but varied examples. Common sources of examples are history, current events, literature, personal experience. </p>
<p>For your topic, Rosa Parks was a great example. I would recommend opening that paragraph with your main point (that normal people can affect social change), then giving her as example. Same goes for the second paragraph. Open with the fact that everyday people are making environmental changes, then cite global warming. </p>
<p>Some more specific suggestions:</p>
<p>Come up with a stronger first sentence. Rephrasing the original question is ok, but you want to stand out to the graders. Try to get some kind of a hook.<br>
Try to include a good thesis in your introduction. This should be a single sentence that tells readers what your essay will be about. It shouldn’t be a list of examples, it should be a list of main ideas.
See if you can vary your transitions. Trust me, firstly, secondly, thirdly, and in conclusion get seen a lot by SAT essay readers! Try to see if you can make it flow more naturally or use words like furthermore, in addition to, etc.</p>
<p>I would actually like to disagree with the necessity for a 5-paragraph essay as mentioned above. I took the SAT thrice and scored a 10 while writing 4-paragraph essays all three times. While I suppose that a 5-paragraph essay with 3 solid examples could get you into the 11-12 range, 2 solid examples is always better than having 3 eh examples with limited analysis. After all, it’s your 25 minutes. Do what works for you.</p>