Can you please grade my essay?

Test Preparation ACT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: Should high schools adopt dress codes?</p>

<p>What has become of the high school education system? Why have dress codes become an issue when it is clear that they only impact students in positive ways? Dress codes should be adopted by high schools; doing so would only have positive ramifications for the school systems. Dress codes would bridge the socioeconomic gap prevalent in high schools, foster a safer environment, and create a more efficient student body. The evidence supporting this fact throughout history and life is very pervasive.
Dress codes would do wonders to bridge the socioeconomic gaps that are ever-present in modern high schools. Many students live below the poverty line; in 2009, a whopping 35% of the high school student population reported being “below the poverty line.” These students cannot afford basic necessities, let alone flashy clothes; therefore, these students are often bullied incessantly. A dress code would level the playing field between kids of different socioeconomic backgrounds; kids would not have to worry about having the “right” clothes. The “right” clothes would be those in the dress code. In Cedarville High School in Chicago, 15 year old Barbara Walters committed suicide after being bullied repeatedly. Her crime? “Uncool” clothes. If a dress code were in place, everyone would have the same “uncool” clothing and, as a result, bullying due to clothes would not occur. A dress code would mitigate instances of bullying and may even save lives.
Integration of a dress code into school policy would not only curb harassment, it would also keep schools safe from events such as school shootings. In Shawnee High School in Minnesota, for example, the dress code policy saved the students from danger. In April of 2010, an intruder entered the building and was armed with a deadly assault weapon. He looked just like any other student, but there was one telling difference-he was not wearing the school uniform color of blue. He was, as a result, quickly spotted and apprehended. A dress code policy could, as it did in this instance, save lives.
While some may say that a dress code is unnecessary, statistics show that it is more vital than ever before. Sewanee High School abolished its dress code policies for a year, and bullying and crime rates shot up exponentially. It is the duty of the school system to provide the best education possible; does that not also include the best experiences and security possible? </p>

<p>I realize that the essay is pretty weak, but I am working on it. If you can help in any way (tips, suggestions, critique), I'd really appreciate it.</p>

2

<p>Forgive me for being blunt; but your essay needs a lot of polishing. </p>

<p>First of all, you’re using the words ‘dress codes’ too often. It sounds like alliteration all over the first paragraph in particular, I’d suggest you create some variation.
Second of all, I feel like you’re repeating the same point over and over into the readers head. Try taking it from different angles, for example: “Some kids might find it frustrating to wear the same colors every day, and I sympathize, but it is all for their benefit for many different reasons” and then go on stating why. Try to make the reader see the whole picture, instead of only your point of view. Make it interesting. I would also include some more feeling to the story of the teen who commited suicide. Make the readers think, ‘You know what? This kid is right!’
Third of all, I feel like some of the vocabulary you’re using are words you’re using just for the sake of the grades; don’t do that, it sounds weird. Use difficult words, but be very careful, otherwise it might sound choppy and unnecessarily complex. </p>

<p>Overall, it was good, and I understand where you’re coming from. Our school has a school clothes policy as well, and I hate it, but you make valid points. That’s all I’d like to say, sorry if I offend you…</p>

3

<p>No offense taken at all. My essay does need quite a bit of polishing, but I hate the ACT essay so much! I mean, the SAT essay is relatively easy to back with concrete historical examples, but for the ACT essay, that’s almost impossible.</p>

<p>I’ll do some more practice essays tomorrow.</p>

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<p>Both tests are designed to evaluate your ability to write. Last time I checked, the ability to spew out history lessons wasn’t part of the rubric.</p>

<p>The problems with this essay are its content and its presentation.</p>

<p>Fake examples don’t help either. They just make you sound silly and dishonest.</p>

<p>Also, for whatever reason, you seem to be following some sort of cheesy format. Do you know how many of these I see when I read for CB?</p>

<p>Lots.</p>

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<p>Ouch. I felt that, and it wasn’t even my essay… </p>

<p>PJ</p>

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<p>My tone can be blunt at times but my sole intention is to help. It does no one any good to be told that something is (insert adjective here) when it’s really (insert adjective here).</p>

<p>As for this essay, it actually has potential. The writer has addressed the prompt and provided reasons for his/her position. </p>

<p>I’m not crazy about the discussion of each reason, however.</p>

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<p>I know you only meant to help, because that would be the only reason why you’d comment on his essay, instead of leaving it as it is. I’m sure he appreciates your help, blunt as it might be. </p>

<p>PJ</p>

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<p>jkjeremy, thank you for your honest answer. What I meant by my historical examples comment is that most historical examples seem stronger than personal examples.</p>

<p>As for format, I am following this person’s advice:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1525053-defeating-sat-essay-2-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1525053-defeating-sat-essay-2-days.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>If you and Pjesse don’t mind, can you take a look at the essay I wrote this morning? I think it’s a bit better than the above essay, but I dunno if it’s good enough. Most probably not. :/</p>

<p>Prompt: Is it too distracting for high school students to divide their attention among several activities when they are doing homework?</p>

<p>Essay:
Why are the educators in the school systems wasting their precious time by debating whether it is or is not too distracting for students to multitask during homework? This is clearly a one-sided issue; it is not at all distracting for high school students to divide their attention among several activities while doing homework. The evidence supporting this fact throughout life, science, and history is very pervasive.
In 2005, a group of scientists from the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign conducted a series of experiments on high school children to determine their cognitive abilities. The researchers subjected the students to various cognitive tests after the students completed their homework. One group of students, the control, was allowed to only complete its assigned homework; the second group was required to do various other activities, such as watching television or eating, in addition to homework. At the end of each week, the students’ homework was graded, and a cognitive exam was administered; the student group that was required to multitask exhibited higher scores and more ability. The scientists concluded that multitasking actually improved the focus, concentration, and memory of the students by up to 25%.
While some may say that doing multiple tasks while accomplishing homework detracts from the quality of homework, it is clear that multitasking actually improves the quality of homework and enriches the minds of students. A group of Brandeis University statisticians surveyed two hundred high school students on their daily habits, particularly during the time they usually did homework. Of the students who admitted to using a computer while completing homework, 78% had higher grade point averages than their counterparts who only focused on the homework assignment at hand. In Shang Xi International School in China, a “multi-homework policy,” in which parents were encouraged to allow their children to pursue other ventures while doing school-mandated homework, resulted in the school placing number one in China’s ranking system when in previous years the school was only number seventy-eight. Multitasking during homework not only helped individual students attain higher GPA’s, but it also propelled an entire school from the bottom to the pinnacle of a major country’s educational infrastructure.
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain various tasks,” remarked the great philosopher and teacher Aristotle. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, multitasking, especially when undertaking school-mandated homework, does wonders to improve the mental functions of high school students. Isn’t it our job, as a society, to ensure that all of our students reach their full cognitive potential?</p>

<p>I realize the conclusion is rather weak, but I only had two minutes by the time I got to it, so I just threw something together. I also deviated from the five-paragraph format because I spent too much time writing my counterargument paragraph.</p>

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<p>Read my comments in that thread and you’ll see why I wholeheartedly DIScourage you from following that “advice.” In short, you cannot “defeat” the SAT essay in two days.</p>

<p>I’ll be glad to check out this other essay. Give me a few minutes. I just finished with another student and need a short break.</p>

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<p>Okay…</p>

<p>I’m reluctant to spend time on an essay that uses fabricated examples because THEY DON’T WORK. Like the other paper, this one appears to be full of them.</p>

<p>There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging counterarguments, but your attempt to do so feels hollow, incomplete, and insincere. </p>

<p>(Plus, you haven’t really included a counterargument let alone refuted it.) “Some may say [that the argument is false]” doesn’t cut it.</p>

<p>My comments on the previous essay apply to this one too.</p>

<p>When are you taking the ACT?</p>

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<p>I was under the impression that graders don’t check for the accuracy of facts.</p>

<p>I’m taking it next Saturday.</p>

<p>How would I properly acknowledge the counterargument?</p>

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<p>When I took the ACT last year, I too used made up facts to help prove my point; but the facts I used did not carry a lot weight in my argument. When reading this essay I am not sure whether the facts and studies you mention are real or fake. If the they are real then okay, but if the studies are fact I am not sure you can base your argument off of a hypothetical study. The counter argument should be shorter. Just address it and give some food for thought to doubt it and move on. But then again what do I know I am not expert on this stuff I was in your position a year ago.</p>

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<p>I plan to write another essay tomorrow. I think one of the major flaws with my essays so far is that I rely too much on my specific examples. I should develop my ideas and use my examples to bolster them rather than use my ideas as crutches for my examples.</p>

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<p>Whether “they” do or don’t (and I’ll never tell) is immaterial.</p>

<p>The facts are that fake examples are a) very easy to sniff out and b) of little use.</p>

<p>Even REAL detailed statistics aren’t very helpful. </p>

<p>Again, this is not a test of your ability to recall arcane details about “Shang Xi International School” or anything else.</p>

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<p>Which one? You haven’t cited one.</p>

<p>Basically, all you’ve done is say that there IS a counterargument.</p>

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<p>TRG, I have 3 problems with your essay(s). Besides the fact that you bring fake examples (which I’m not sure is a good idea), I don’t like:</p>

<p>1/ You’re treating this essay as if the ACT tests how much information you can fit into 5 paragraphs, that’s not a good idea. Instead of filling it with fake data, use an example you’re sure about, like yourself or a friend. (Is that allowed? I’m not sure, but on the SAT it is)
2/ You’re repeating the words too often! GAHHH! I wish you could take a thesaurus with you to the test, it would do a world of good!
3/ It’s boring. It’s so very boring, I forced myself to finish it, and this from me, who read The Tale of Genji in 8th grade. </p>

<p>Let me give you an example of how I’d write an essay. I’ll be writing this in, hmm, 15 mins? I’ll time it, I promise you.</p>

<p>Prompt: Is it too distracting for high school students to divide their attention among several activities when they are doing homework?</p>

<pre><code> I don’t believe so at all. A person should work and study in the way they feel most comfortable with. They should be at complete ease both bodily and mentally. As a person who works best when I am around people, I often get asked how I do it. My answer is always the same: I just don’t feel safe with no one around me. Sitting alone in my room with my Algebra book open in front of me, I feel as if the walls are closing in around me. I get so bored at times that I just lay back and stare at the ceiling instead of finding the value of ‘x’ in a linear equation. Who are we to judge, really? How can you know what another person likes or dislikes? In my living room, surrounded by my family and laughter, I work the best. Smiling and laughing at my older brother’s jokes, a sense of idyllic calm all around; that’s where I want to do my homework.
So society, don’t try to cram students into a bag of propriety. That very bag might burst at the seams someday. Of course, some people may want to be alone when they study, and that is perfectly okay! All I’m saying is that we shouldn’t stereotype, and claiming that 17-year olds can’t write around others is, in a way, stereotyping. Respecting the wishes of the people around you regardless of age is what we should aim to do, if only because we in turn gain their respect.
</code></pre>

<p>Okay, I didn’t have time for any more, and it’s not a masterpiece. In fact, I see many faults in it. But notice that you could write something, uhh, reasonably good without using false examples or making it (too) boring.</p>

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<p>You’re correct about the problem but not the solution.</p>

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<p>As you concede, this one is flawed. However, it is readable, clear, natural, and on-topic. It doesn’t try too hard (like most of those “12 in Two Days” essays, which aren’t actually essays at all). I’d like to see one of your “real” ones.</p>

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<p>Thank you, it means a lot. I love writing, and I love helping others with their writing. I have one piece written, it’s not really an essay, more like a record of my memories. I could send you that(?).</p>

<p>TRG, you better nail that essay now or I’ll kill you >:D</p>

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<p>So, I should use personal examples?</p>

<p>Hang on. I thought that using “I” was looked down upon?</p>

<p>I don’t even know anymore :(</p>