Please rate my essay.

<p>I took the Oct 2013 test and got a 8 on my essay, which I think destroyed my writing score since I did super well on the MC. I'm practicing and I need some good input. Please put a number!</p>

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<p>Prompt: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

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<p>With advanced technology and great medical improvements, it may be easy to make the claim of a better world and a better society. However, if one looks deeply enough, he will see that it is precisely these types of advances, improvements, and changes that negatively influence our present and future societies. Not only are these changes degrading us, but are misleading and deceiving us as well.</p>

<p>Even before the world entered into the Common Era (CE), many philosophers and thinkers have commented on the dangers of giving into a sedentary, luxurious life. As a result of a quickly changing society where technology is making work nearly effortless, it is easy to become susceptible to this very type of lifestyle in which we have been warned of. Gautama Buddha, the founder of Buddhism, based his whole doctrine upon this principle: that human nature has a tendency towards desire (a major one being contentment and rest), and should this desire be obtained (in which, in our society, it constantly is), suffering will not cease to perpetually ensue. With the Internet easily at our fingertips and our typical lifestyle consisting of couch-surfing and playing video games, it is not difficult to see the future in which will consist of lazy, talentless, and (with regards to worldly involvement) people.</p>

<p>Literature has also had its say on the changing world. American Transcendentalists in the 19th century prominently have made it clear that in a world marked with increasing technology and economy (the American Industrial Revolution having just occurred decades before and the Southern economy's dependence on slave labor in correspondence with the new technological innovations advocating it such as Eli Whitney's cotton gin), people must remember to stay true to their loving God as well as nature. In the Second Great Awakening, authors such as Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson were relentless in reminding the masses of their roots and, in Thoreau's book /Walden/ in which he wrote during his study and life living in the wilderness, nature, the opposite of technology, was constantly glorified and presented as the "true" force of goodness and well-being. Thoreau and Emerson's attempt to praise nature and God were attempts to end the grand dependency on technology America was entering into.</p>

<p>Throughout history, changes have contributed very well to the world's present state. However, many changes, such as that of technology, were very deceptive in their prefaces. Despite being useful and helpful and first, its growing significance in the world has made it become a permanent epidemic--that it has lead to innumerous deaths and mistreatment as well as human despondency. Changes may seem beneficial, but often there is an underlying story that proves it is not so.</p>

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<p>Thanks for reading. I wrote a LOT, took up the whole 2 pages. I'm kind of ambivalent about it...</p>

<p>I copied it wrong, meant to say:
“…it is not difficult to see the future in which will consist of lazy, talentless, and inexperienced (with regards to worldly involvement) people.”</p>

<p>BTW, this isn’t my downright opinion. I felt like I had more resources to write about so I chose this side.</p>

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<p>The best resource is a good idea. I wish you’d put forth your “downright opinion.”</p>

<p>As it is, this one is a pretty typical four.</p>

<p>You write competently but the essay dances around the question. It feels forced.</p>

<p>You have a lot of syntax errors, funny word choices and overly wordy sentences.<br>
A few examples:</p>

<p>“degrading us.” "Degrade can’t take a direct object. Either “degrading” or “degrading to us.” </p>

<p>“in which we have been warned of.” Should be “of which we have been warned.” But even that is very clumsy. It’s also unnecessary.</p>

<p>" in a world marked with increasing technology and economy" “Increasing” is incorrect in this sentance.</p>

<p>" were very deceptive in their prefaces. " I have no idea what “prefaces” means here did you mean premise? </p>

<p>Don’t use parentheses so much. If you have a point worth making or supporting, then make it. “which will consist of lazy, talentless, and (with regards to worldly involvement) people.” This aside doesn’t even make any sense where it is.</p>

<p>Overall, I feel like this uses a lot of fancy words and convoluted constructions to make it sound learned.</p>

<p>Finally, the argument itself isn’t well supported. It’s far to simplistic to argue that all technology or all change-you seem to use those words interchangeably- has been bad for us. I sort of see the case for how technology is degrading, but I don’t see any support for your contention that it deceives. Be specific about what you want to argue and support it with evidence–don’t use statements that say things like “it’s not hard to see that…” because those are assumptions, not supporting evidence.</p>

<p>It would be a far stronger argument if you picked one or two examples of technology, eg, the cotton gin, then and talk about the pluses and minuses it brought. It’s always better to be narrow and focused on these essays.</p>

<p>Okay, that makes a lot more sense. I think being broad was also what gave me a 4 last time. I also think the pretentiousness came from my own lack of conviction. Thanks, people.</p>