Can you score my essay please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>(I'd also really appreciate some reasons why - thank you so much!)</p>

<p>Prompt: Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are?</p>

<p>Ease is comfortable, lulling, unstimulating. It allows us to descend into a state of lethargic passivity that does not challenge us or allow us to truly delve into the recesses of our minds and personalities. Consequently, in the presence of ease, we do not truly know ourselves. Evidence for this idea can be found in both common real life circumstances as well as popular entertainment which is often a reflection of prevalent situations.</p>

<p>In the absence of adversity, it is easy to idealize or otherwise overestimate oneself. People often believe that when hardships arise, they will continue to act justly and nobly. Yet, when true challenges materialize, these same people may or may not posses the resolve to main their virtues or their morals. I witnessed a common of example of this happen to my best friend a few years ago. She, Stephanie, was a stellar student as well as an intelligent, honest person with very strong morals. In the beginning of the school year, the idea of cheating seemed preposterous to her and she looked down strongly on classmates who partook in such behavoir. However, towards the end of the year, our workload increased drastically, stress accumulated and as a consequence, her grades began to deteriorate. In an act of frenzies desperation, Stephanie resorted to cheating on a test. It can be seen that despite her initial (seemingly strong) moral code, in the face of adversity, she was unable to uphold those convictions, revealing aspects of herself she did not know or was unable to come to terms with.</p>

<p>Additionally, it also easy to underestimate oneself in the absence of adversity as is demonstrated through the popular film, "V for Vendetta". In this film, the protagonist ,
Every, lives in a fascist society; fearful of everything around her. She goes about life quietly and passively, viewing herself as too afraid, too weak, too insignificant to contribute to the revolutionary force. Yet, when she is put on the spot, her natural instincts kick in and, overcoming her fear and insecurities, she saves the life of a revolutionary hero. Subsequently, she continues to passionately stand up for what she believes in as well as serve as a powerful driving force in overcoming the dictatorial government. As is apparent, adversity brought out sides to Every's character that herself did not know about or believe in.</p>

<p>Thus, we can view adversity as a necessary means for self discovery. It is only through testing our strengths and convictions that we can truly develop an understanding of ourselves and what we are capable of.</p>

2

<p>Very strong, the best essay I’ve read on CC thus far(not that I’ve read many). 12/12.</p>

<p>Just as a side note, it would help if you were more emphatic in referring back to the prompt, e.g. use words from the prompt in your closing sentences of body paragraphs.</p>

3

<p>thank you very much!</p>

4

<p>Great essay! You had a clear thesis and well-chosen examples. There was plenty of sentence variety and you used a lot of different vocabulary. 12</p>

5

<p>Ease is comfortable, lulling, unstimulating. It allows us to descend into a state of lethargic passivity that does not challenge us or allow us to truly delve into the recesses of our minds and personalities. Consequently, in the presence of ease, we do not truly know ourselves. Evidence for this idea can be found in both common real life circumstances as well as popular entertainment which is often a reflection of prevalent situations.</p>

<p>“EVIDENCE OF THIS,” NOT “EVIDENCE FOR THIS”
ALSO, THIS IS A RUN-ON SENTENCE.
IN ADDITION, THERE SHOULD BE A COMMA AFTER “ENTERTAINMENT.”</p>

<p>In the absence of adversity, it is easy to idealize or otherwise overestimate oneself. People often believe that when hardships arise, they will continue to act justly and nobly. Yet, when true challenges materialize, these same people may or may not posses the resolve to main their virtues or their morals. </p>

<p>“MAINTAIN THEIR VIRTUES,” NOT “MAIN THEIR VIRTUES”</p>

<p>I witnessed a common of example of this happen to my best friend a few years ago. She, Stephanie, was a stellar student as well as an intelligent, honest person with very strong morals. </p>

<p>SINCE YOU ARE REFERRING TO HER BY NAME LATER, YOU SHOULD ESTABLISH HER NAME HERE NOT BY WRITING “SHE, STEPHANIE,” BUT BY WRITING SIMPLY “STEPHANIE.”</p>

<p>In the beginning of the school year, the idea of cheating seemed preposterous to her and she looked down strongly on classmates who partook in such behavoir. </p>

<p>“AT THE BEGINNING,” NOT “IN THE BEGINNING.”
BEHAVIOR IS MISSPELLED.</p>

<p>However, towards the end of the year, our workload increased drastically, stress accumulated and as a consequence, her grades began to deteriorate. </p>

<p>TOWARD, NOT TOWARDS.
“HER WORKOAD,” NOT “OUR WORKLOAD”
A COMMA IS NEEDED AFTER “AND.”</p>

<p>In an act of frenzies desperation, Stephanie resorted to cheating on a test. </p>

<p>FRENZIED, NOT FRENZIES</p>

<p>It can be seen that despite her initial (seemingly strong) moral code, in the face of adversity, she was unable to uphold those convictions, revealing aspects of herself she did not know or was unable to come to terms with.</p>

<p>RUN-ON SENTENCE
“INITIAL, SEEMINGLY STRONG, MORAL CODE,” NOT “INITIAL (SEEMINGLY STRONG) MORAL CODE”
DO NOT END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION.</p>

<p>Additionally, it also easy to underestimate oneself in the absence of adversity as is demonstrated through the popular film, “V for Vendetta”. </p>

<p>“ADDITIONALLY” AND “IT IS ALSO” ARE THE SAME THING, MAKING BOTH IN ONE SENTENCE REDUNDANT.
A COMMA IS NEEDED AFTER “ADVERSITY.”</p>

<p>In this film, the protagonist ,
Every, lives in a fascist society; fearful of everything around her. </p>

<p>THERE IS AN EXTRA SPACE AFTER PROTAGONIST.
THERE SHOULD BE A COMMA INSTEAD OF A SEMI-COLON.</p>

<p>She goes about life quietly and passively, viewing herself as too afraid, too weak, too insignificant to contribute to the revolutionary force. </p>

<p>THERE ARE TOO MANY USES OF TOO AND TO MAKING THE READER SAY TO TOO MUCH, WHICH IS ANNOYING.
YOU HAVE NOT ESTABLISHED THAT THERE IS A REVOLUTIONARY FORCE. THEREFORE, YOU SHOULD WRITE “A REVOLUTIONARY FORCE,” NOT “THE REVOLUTIONARY FORCE.”</p>

<p>Yet, when she is put on the spot, her natural instincts kick in and, overcoming her fear and insecurities, she saves the life of a revolutionary hero. </p>

<p>RUN-ON SENTENCE. PLUS, THERE WOULD BE A COMMA AFTER “KICK IN.”
IT SHOULD BE EITHER “FEAR AND INSECURITY” OR “FEARS AND INSECURITIES.”</p>

<p>Subsequently, she continues to passionately stand up for what she believes in as well as serve as a powerful driving force in overcoming the dictatorial government.</p>

<p>THERE SHOULD BE A COMMA AFTER “BELIEVES IN.”</p>

<p>As is apparent, adversity brought out sides to Every’s character that herself did not know about or believe in.</p>

<p>“SHE,” NOT “HERSELF”
DO NOT END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION.</p>

<p>Thus, we can view adversity as a necessary means for self discovery. It is only through testing our strengths and convictions that we can truly develop an understanding of ourselves and what we are capable of.</p>

<p>DO NOT END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION.</p>

6

<p>How long did it take you to write the above originally?</p>

7

<p>^tl;dr + nonconstructive.</p>

<p>Actually, skimmed some of that [sarcasm]holistic review[/sarcasm]and found some blatant errors.</p>

<p>Oh and just realised OP referred to Evey as ‘Every’.</p>

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<p>Bak0rz, is that aimed at me or the poster above me?</p>

9

<p>@Starryeyes: I did it in the required time frame so 25 minutes</p>

<p>@beolin: thank you very much for that very detailed analysis of my text. One thing I hadn’t realized is that ‘do not end a sentence with a preposition’ thing. Is that a personal preference thing or do markers really take off points for that?</p>

<p>@Bak0rz: haha I was under time pressure and needed to think of examples. I was told that the markers don’t take off points for inaccuracies within examples? :P</p>

10

<p>In that case, WOW. </p>

<p>That is a VERY impressive essay, probably one of the best I’ve ever seen, honestly.</p>

11

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<p>I sincerely hope you aren’t telling this grammar nazi affect your writing style. An essay is marked holistically, not on its grammatical correctness. Let’s take a random chunk of beolin’s analysis for analysis:

I disagree on the first point, the repetition of “too” creates parallelism and emphasises Evey’s weakness. In my view, this is a very aesthetically composed sentence and far from annoying. Furthermore, though writing “the revolutionary force” may be grammatically incorrect, it creates a sense of definiteness and finality in your assessment of Evey’s condition.</p>

<p>Lastly, there is nothing displeasing (imo) about ending a sentence with a preposition. If anyone disapproves, it’s just something they will have to deal with. (See what I did there?)</p>

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<p>positiveion:</p>

<p>You are welcome. I do copy editing for an international journalism organization. It’s nice to be able to work on something like your essay.</p>

<p>For more on ending sentences with prepositions, go to grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ending-prepositions.aspx .</p>

<p>I shan’t be looking at this thread again. But I would like to respond to one post in it for your benefit. I can’t imagine an essay is only marked holistically, not on its grammatical correctness. Please research this carefully in order to help yourself the most.</p>

13

<p>^Love how you took the time to analysis every bit of OP’s essay but wont even respond directly to a call-out on your analysis.</p>

<p><a href=“http://pwhs.ucps.k12.nc.us/documents/newsat_scoring.pdf[/url]”>http://pwhs.ucps.k12.nc.us/documents/newsat_scoring.pdf&lt;/a&gt;

</p>

14

<p>^ and SAT graders would not have sufficient time to pinpoint every minutiae of grammatical errors in a few minutes.</p>