Care to comment on my MIT essays?

<p>These are my essays for MIT EA. Any constructive commentary would be greatly appreciated.</p>

<ol>
<li>We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer).</li>
</ol>

<p>Option 1: There is a unique thrill in figuring out exactly which lure will trigger a bass to strike when a nearly identical offering is ignored. The perfect stillness of the lake is broken when my line begins moving seemingly of its own accord. When I set the hook the bass reacts violently, lunging against the line, trapped by its own instincts. I am attached to something alive, connected only by a tenuous bridge of monofilament—until, finally, the fight ends. The fish is brought in, unhooked and released, leaving both of us superficially the same but subtly, imperceptibly altered.</p>

<p>Option 2: There is a unique thrill in figuring out exactly which lure will trigger a fish to strike when a nearly identical offering is ignored. Water clarity, temperature, time of day; the variables seem endless, and what works one day may fail completely the next. At times the fish appear prescient, hovering just out of sight, deliberately taunting me. But patience and perseverance have their rewards. The magical moment when my line begins moving of its own accord makes up for any number of fruitless casts. In fishing, there is no guarantee of success -- but that makes victory all the sweeter.</p>

<ol>
<li>Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer) </li>
</ol>

<p>Academically, I have been pulled in two directions since I entered high school. Sequencing genes at Rutgers and designing a bacteria sensor at the Technion introduced me to the elegant and intricate systems of genes and proteins that make up living things. At the same time, writing a game in Java and building a magnetic distance sensor taught me about the amazing man-made systems of hardware and software that surround us. A major in Computer Science and Molecular Biology (course 6-7) along with a UROP in the CSBI would allow me to study in the intersection of the natural and artificial spheres. </p>

<ol>
<li>What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)</li>
</ol>

<p>‘Walking Encyclopedia’. I wear the title as a badge of pride. Confronted with the vastness of human knowledge I attempt to imbibe the whole, reading everything I get my hands on and delving deeper into any topic that catches my interest. A back issue of The Economist introduces me to the intricacies of modern world politics. Thucydides and Herodotus acquaint me with the wars of ancient Greece. The Selfish Gene and The Beak of the Finch teach me about the origins of nature’s diversity. The amount I can absorb from reading seems infinite (or at least arbitrarily large).
Learning from books, though, is only part of the equation. Reading about Ohm’s law is one thing, using it to design a circuit is entirely another. Certain concepts in Java never fully struck home until I used them to write a video game. I learned far more from performing gene splicing and molecular imprinting in a lab than I ever could have by reading about them in a textbook. No amount of reading, in school or on my own, can replace learning by doing.
My breadth of knowledge has proven helpful to me academically. It is fun to answer a tough question on The Challenge or come up with a relevant fact to win a debate. But that isn’t why I learn. I learn because I am intrigued and captivated by the world we live in. I build and design because it helps me understand that world. And the more I know, the more I create, the more questions I have.</p>

<ol>
<li>Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)</li>
</ol>

<p>"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."-Albert Einstein
Modern Orthodox Judaism. Its very name is a contradiction; how can orthodoxy, the adherence to and belief in the primacy of tradition, be modern? On the one hand, we believe in the preeminence of Torah and Jewish law. On the other, we recognize that science and modern thought are valid and accurate depictions of the world we live in. Modern Orthodoxy not only believes that these views have much to teach each other but that they are essentially compatible; that conflict and dialogue between science and religion do not detract from either but rather enrich and add to both.
My world is open to questions and accepting of differing viewpoints. I can read Deuteronomy and Dawkins, The Origin of Species and the Talmud. I am not asked to disbelieve in evolution or the Big Bang theory, nor would I. I can reinterpret the more extreme biblical tales in light of modern science. I can find personal value and meaning in the commandments.
Science questions everything, while Judaism takes much on faith. I find balance in the tension between these two approaches. I try to determine how the world works but I recognize that some questions may not have answers. I am excited and inspired by the search for discovery but I see value in tradition and continuity. I am content to leave some things mysteries. </p>

<ol>
<li>Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)<br>
I was not a natural wrestler. My first practice was by far the most physically demanding thing I had ever done. Pushups and sprints were a mere warm-up for the actual wrestling. I had my face shoved into the mat more times than I could count. But despite the bruises and scabs, despite the pain and sweat, wrestling struck a chord in me.
Wrestling took a lot of adjustment. I relinquished junk food until after the season and incorporated running and working out into my daily routine. I learned to work around seven and a half hours of practice a week. Success was not quick; I lost my first match in under a minute and my second even more quickly. It was two months before I even made it through the first two-minute period.
Eventually, however, the time came for the Henry Wittenberg Invitational Tournament, the apex of the season. My first match was against a seasoned veteran from Atlanta. I lost, decisively and demoralizingly. My next match, however, was against a fellow first year wrestler from Chicago. No one was more surprised than me when I pinned him.
The next season, though, I got cocky. I attempted techniques far beyond my level, bungled opportunities, lost matches I should have won. My coach banned me from using all but a few basic moves. I began improving, gradually winning more matches. That season, I placed 4th at the Wittenberg tournament. The next year, I placed 3rd. This is my last season, my final opportunity. 2nd is not an option.</li>
</ol>

<p>Thanks for reading!!</p>

<p>People are going to steal your essays, dude. Now when you submit them MIT is going to be able to tell that they have been duplicated, and there is probably no way to convince them that you were the one to originally write them. If I were you I’d deleteor edit out this post ASAP</p>

<p>Well, I have drafts/emails of them saved predating today, so i should be able to prove I wrote them 1st. Still, you’re probably right. Oh well.</p>

<p>People seem to post essays on here pretty regularly- is there really a plagiarism issue?</p>

<p>You could probably keep 2, 4 & 5 up since they’re pretty specific, but the others could definitely be taken. Generally, pretty good (don’t want to spend too much time since I’m still working a bit on mine), so I’ll talk about your first one. You gave two responses, which I’m assuming means you can’t decide between the two - I feel that the first one is overly formal, with the feel of a “thesaurus” essay causing it to be a little detached. I like the second one because it gives more of a connection, except the last line - probably one of the most cliched thoughts out there</p>

<p>Well now I feel bad that I can’t write like you. My writings are too simple compared to this.</p>

<p>Fishing (like hunting) might be a bit controversial. Religion also might be too controversial. If there’s time you need a good rewrite or two. The voice of the essay reads like someone trying to write instead of natural flowing prose. However, all in, a good job and probably as good as anything submitted by STEM candidates. GL. Mazels!</p>

<p>There is an element in Option 1 of the pleasure essay that I think really ought to be in the final version, namely the “catch and release” part. This distinguishes what you are doing from fishing for competition or for trophy fish. </p>

<p>If your family keeps all the fish you catch to eat (totally fine), and you write about fishing, that fact should be in the essay; but in that case, fishing would not be purely for pleasure.</p>

<p>I like the content of your essays, but in my opinion the writing itself is a bit flowerly. It sounds like you’re trying to show off how smart you are, and your tone does not sound as genuine as it necessarily could be.</p>

<p>^ I sort of agree. Good ideas, but diction is somewhat pretentious. In particular I think you should change your walking encyclopedia essay. I think MIT will be able to tell that you are smart from other things, no need to hammer it home with an essay that sends (at least to me) the wrong vibes.</p>

<p>It’s also kind of cliche to start an essay with a quote, and maybe not a good idea with MIT’s low word limit.</p>

<p>I like your wrestling essay the most.</p>

<p>Walking Encyclopedia isn’t really an aspect of your personality, I’d rewrite that one. Also, delete this thread.</p>

<p>I did not trust anyone to read my essays before they were submitted. I felt 100% sure that I was the right fit for MIT. (By the way, that is not the same as being 100% sure that I would be accepted by MIT). I made sure that my essays gave an accurate picture of me and I didn’t want to be told what MIT would prefer to read. </p>

<p>After my acceptance, I read my essays to friends and relatives. Most said that the essays were SO me. That is MOST important! If you take too much advice, your essays will not sound like you when you are done. </p>

<p>Also, some people actually were shocked at what I wrote and thought I sounded silly. They said that they would have definitely advised me to rewrite the essays because MIT is looking for smart, not silly. </p>

<p>I’m glad I didn’t ask them. 1. because I AM silly a lot of the time and MIT was obviously looking for someone like me to fill their class and 2. My academic record and test scores already covered how smart I am.</p>

<p>Be careful whose advice you take! Make sure that you have a good reason to trust their opinion.</p>

<p>Your essays are really impressive. Good luck applying!</p>

<p>huehuehue32 makes a good point. Just because others have posted their intended essay, doesn’t mean it’s in your interest to do the same.</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/1335428-warning-do-not-just-post-your-essay-cc.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/1335428-warning-do-not-just-post-your-essay-cc.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Well, the application’s in. Thanks for your help everyone, and hopefully no one stole my essays over the past week. Oh well- only one way to find out.</p>

<p>Well, if you and my son get in, maybe the two of you can start the missing “Fishing Club” of MIT.</p>

<p>Reading some sample and true essays are scary and makes me look like an ant among elephants. Is it compulsory that only truth must be stated? Like for example that gene sequencing and java game designing should be 110% truth or is it flexible and you can make up here and there as if its a SAT essay, Lol.</p>

<p>Oh how I would love to join a fight club…</p>

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<p>It sounds like you might be a better match for Harvard. LOL.</p>

<p>AnnaTheGreat, there are plenty of martial arts at MIT :)</p>