Carnegie Mellon Supplement Question

<p>Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.</p>

<pre><code>Let me start by describing a few of points that show what a great school Carnegie Mellon is. First, Carnegie Mellon is a very diverse community with people from every background you can think of. A vast majority of the students come from out of state making it a very worldly campus where you can meet people from all over the country and the world. Carnegie Mellon is a very prestigious university with a high quality education. I want a school that will challenge me through my academics and allow me to pursue my interests to the full extent. The school is very involved in research and is a hotbed of innovation. Research is a great way to get hands on experience in a field that can be helpful as a postgraduate when applying for jobs and makes a university more appealing because of that. Carnegie

Now let me explain why I am applying to the two programs I have listed. From a very young age I have been interested in computers and the way they work. The vast number of possibilities available when someone uses a computer is truly remarkable. We all use computers for everything in this modern era everyday. From online shopping, to driving, and even predicting when the sun will explode, everything uses computers. I went to a summer camp 2 years ago on the Stanford campus for several weeks that taught me how to write in the programming language Objective-C and use Xcode to create programs for the iPhone and iPad. This was the first hands on experience I had with computer science. Since then I have learned several other languages but my interest has really turned toward computer engineering. As I write this I have two disassembled computers laying on my floor and wires of every kind strewn across my floor. The intricate nature of todays computers intrigues me and as I have explored more I have come to realize that computer engineering is more interesting to me. That being said I know that both of these fields are very heavily connected and no matter what I end up doing I will get experience with both.
</code></pre>

<p>My first choice is Electrical and Computer engineering at the Carnegie Institute of Technology but I would love just as much to be a part of the computer science program. My goal beyond college is to work for a computer engineering company such as Apple or even start my own company. Carnegie Mellon is an amazing school in all aspects with amazing opportunities for me to pursue my love of computers and I hope that I will get that opportunity.</p>

<p>-This is what I have so far. Really I am just looking for any critiques or ideas that would make it better.</p>

<p>The beginning is a bit cheesy</p>

<p>Never post your college essays on public forums.</p>

<p>I won’t critique the content of the essay because I have little experience with that but there is a typo in the second to last sentence of the second paragraph. You’re missing an apostrophe on “todays”.</p>

<p>The first half of your essay said nothing at all. Every university can say it is diverse and has advanced education. You need to provide specific examples that explains such features.</p>

<p>did you get in?</p>