<p>This was a different situation but it affected me a lot. There were two bedrooms for three girls growing up in my house. The oldest got her own room and I, (youngest) shared with my other sister all during our childhood. I unfortunately came to resent my eldest sister and my parents over this as I thought it was really unfair to go by age (I was four years behind the eldest) and I desperately wanted my own room. I finally got my wish as soon as she went to college and as middle sister chose to stay in the same room, I moved to the other and never had to share again. Middle sister and I who are now very close, started getting along great the day after I moved out. But I carried with me the perception of unfairness that the oldest got preferential treatment (in this and other things) and it affected my adult feelings for a long time. I know that if I had that situation with my kids they would rotate every one or two years.</p>
<p>My point is that only you can know how strongly your son feels about having the privilege of the attic room. I would consider his feelings just as much as your D’s, and gauge how much he cares. If it’s a lot, explain to D that it is a question of fairness. She should be able to understand that she is not entitled to take up as much space in the house as she is living practically full-time somewhere else. </p>
<p>The energy expense is an issue, but not the most important, IMO.</p>
<p>D2 (high school freshman) has been lobbying for D1’s (college soph) room for the past 2 years. D1’s room is a the end of the hall (so less supervised, I never “walk past” the room, only go there where I need to talk to her or put something in there), and has a slightly bigger closet.</p>
<p>Wouldn’t have changed it the first year regardless, agreed that there are many emotional changes that first year of college, and having home as unchanged as possible is a good thing that year. Now that it is the 2nd year, I don’t think D1 would object too much. But… I object. D2 is not the best at staying on task with homework, doing ANY tidying of her room, etc. I like being able to walk past and ask outside the door if homework is really going on there, stick my head in for a brief conversation when I am just going by, etc. So D2 will stay where she is. We have a big house, now for just the two of us most of the time, so she has tons of space besides her room (library, her own little “office/art space”, an upstairs hall computer/study nook).</p>
<p>Seems to me that the OP’s son already has a “man cave”, and having a bedroom in a more traveled part of the house probably keeps him more socialized with the parents. Not surprising that the H is pushing for more “man cave” space for the OP’s son, while OP isn’t so keen on giving him more space to withdraw into :)</p>
<p>Here’s a suggestion: Redecorate the attic space for S1, but then redecorate the “man cave” for D1 to use as bedroom + entertainment area. Also, what about S2? S1 gets the basement + the attic, while S2 gets one regular-sized bedroom?</p>
<p>I think Wildwood got to the issue that is causing the difference of opinion with my husband. It is a matter of privilege, and my DH thinks that D1 has always gotten first choice, and it’s time for S1 to feel like he is the top dog. He was the baby for his first 7 years, but when his younger brother was adopted as a baby, he got the middle position. Younger brother likes to be close to Mom and Dad so he doesn’t care about changing rooms (although I’m sure he will in the future). I think S1 is not underprivileged, and agree with many who have said any changes should wait. But it is true that D1 has dominated the family dynamic. I am not concerned about S1 withdrawing into his room because he is very social, (hence the need for the man cave for entertaining!) and doesn’t seem to mind interacting with us.</p>
<p>I think I am going to suggest we arrange the man cave so he can sleep there if he wants to, and see if that helps.</p>
<p>I agree that an eventual shuffling of rooms may happen but this is not the time to be discussing it. In my house, DS#1 had his own room and DS#2 and #3 shared. When DS#1 went to college, we kept things as is. I’m not sure it occurred to any of us to make a change. But as DS#1 was getting ready to go off for sophomore year, DS#2 asked if he could move into the single bedroom. I said he’d have to clear it with DS#1. He put certain conditions on it, but did agree.</p>
<p>Freshman year is such an upheaval. Let her come home to her own room, at least for the first year.</p>
<p>My son had the bigger, better room, adjacent to the finished walk-out basement with the teen hangout stuff. Our daughter wanted it when son went to college, but we didn’t think it a good idea to disrupt his stuff immediately. When he decided to stay in his college town the summer after freshman year, daughter asked him about moving into the room the next school year. He agreed, so we moved her. </p>
<p>It would be different if he came home for long periods of time, but this is the third summer he will be doing an internship somewhere else. He is at home for a couple of short breaks during the school year, and for the winter break (which is short at his school). In our situation, it made sense to ask him to let little sister have the better room. </p>
<p>I’m glad he didn’t argue about it, because I would not have wanted to make the move against his wishes.</p>
<p>The fact is, a really independent kid like my son didn’t mind making the break with the way things had been in high school. A different kid might react differently.</p>
<p>I can see the point of those who think that S1 should get the bigger room now. That would seem reasonable if it didn’t mean heating/cooling an area of the home that won’t now need to be heated/cooled.</p>
<p>Also, it sounds like the son is much younger, and the staircase is steep. The parents would have to go up there more often with such a young child up there. As a 50ish mom myself, that wouldn’t be my choice.</p>
<p>Furthermore, the redecoration costs. Unless the family can easily afford redecoration the big room and also redecorating the small room to D’s taste, it’s a waste of money.</p>
<p>Lastly, the son has a cool basement. Maybe you can compromise by adding something new down there…like a small fridge full of sodas, or a soda fountain!, or some other cool thing that would further make it great place!</p>
<p>My vote is to let your daughter keep her room for now. I remember my freshman year as being very emotional. I loved being away from home, but loved coming back to the comfort of home. After a year or two she may be ready to give her room to her brother. Give her time to settle into her college life. In a couple of years she may be the one asking you if she can take the furniture out of her room to put into her new apartment.</p>
<p>Again, I don’t agree with others who’ve said it’s catering to over-sensitivity on the D’s part if her room is kept hers. S1’s already got his own room, plus his basement retreat–it actually seems to me kind of odd that he’d have to move in on her room under those conditions. I mean, why does one kid need a man cave plus the big attic room? We’re not talking about neglected younger siblings here–of course I could be wrong, but the tone of the situation sounds more like catered-to oldest son to me, frankly.</p>
<p>HImom-
Just a note. The rent was not after graduation, nor was it returned as a nest egg. Let me also be clear, I do not resent it, however I do not advocate it.</p>
<p>I have heard of this with adult children once they are earning full time wages and think it is a good transition.</p>
<p>OP: Late to the conversation, but had one point to raise. It’s possible that S1 wants to move into D1’s bedroom for a different reason than more space or privacy. For S1, moving into his big sister’s room may be a symbol that he is now the “big cheese” at home. </p>
<p>This is the way my S1 felt when he moved into his big sister’s room when she went to college. We waited to make the switch until after my daughter’s freshman year–and allowed her to decorate S1’s room with new furnishings and paint. Win win all around!</p>
<p>Is the “man cave” truly S1’s domain? Or do other family members get to pop in there uninvited? If it’s more of a family room that S1 uses a lot, I’d say give him the attic room. He deserves a quiet place for high school homework and college apps, just like D1 had. If the “man cave” can be converted to his room, and his room only, where he can have solitude as well as entertain, then sure, go for the “man cave” solution. </p>
<p>As for D1, home is home, where ever in the house she sleeps. Home is sitting in the kitchen, baking cookies. Home is kibitzing while her brother’s play video games. Home is borrowing the car and heading out to friend’s homes, or having them to your house. She might find the “man cave” is the perfect place to entertain her friends too. (I’ve found girls home from college tend to hang with friends more than they did before they left…) So moving her sleeping area won’t take away her home.</p>
<p>I say let your son get the room. Same thing happened to me–My sister went away to school—I am 6 years younger—I finally got the big bedroom. </p>
<p>Of course I do think we must have been dicussing this “all along”—not just deciding last minute. </p>
<p>What can I say-- I am with your son—big sis is on a big adventure—off to college - next step in growing up—and leaving home. My sister never did come home after college-so it was not an issue—and when she did come home during college she went to her new room! Which I am sure she was happy to leave and get back to the fun at University of Oregon!</p>
<p>The O.P. sets it up as the game room that the son makes good use of. If the daughter did not make good use of it, that’s on her. If the parents made a room more likely to be used by guys, that’s on them, not the son.</p>
<p>We moved into our dream home when D1 was a sophomore in high school. She got the huge attic with the spectacular views of NY Harbor and all the space she could want. D2 (middle child) got the next best room and S1 (baby) got the smallest rom. Hubby wanted to move things around when D1 went to college but I was adamant that it remain her room for at least the first year of college because this will always be her home. Glad I stood my ground. She came home ill after the first year, had surgery and multiple hospitalizations. Not medically cleared to return first semester of second year and ultimately decided to stay home and commute for the rest of college. Point being: make sure everything works out with the chosen college before making significant changes. Also, your D isn’t even gone yet, how must she feel that dad and brother are trying to push her out the door?</p>
<p>I think a big part of the college transition process is coming to grips with the fact that nothing stays the same forever. When a kid takes that first step out the door, there is no going back to childhood, whether they end up coming back to live with their parents for a while or not. IMO, it’s better for kids (and parents) to look at this time pragmatically and accept that life will never be the same. </p>
<p>In our case, when D2 moves out in September, it is very possible that we will downsize fairly quickly. Her older sister will have this last summer in the house after her freshman year, but D2 may very well come back to a different home the following summer. It’s important that we all not be sad about it, just accept that we’re moving on to a new phase of life. </p>
<p>OP, I don’t think it is necessary to try and keep things exactly the same for your daughter in the next phase…she’ll at least still have a home and a room to come back to if something at college goes amiss. But showing all your kids that it’s no big deal to adapt and optimize in new circumstances may help push her out of the nest and help you all accept the transition.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t make the D move right now , especially under the circumstances the OP describes (D would be unhappy, the home has plenty of space), even if the heating and cooling bills weren’t a consideration. As for the other side of the argument, why think in extremes? Certainly, young adults aren’t fragile little flowers, but rarely are they unfeeling robots without emotion, either. It’s easy enough IMO to understand why it’s better to go through only one large adjustment at a time and it’s pretty easy (in most cases) to take the potential for a reaction to being displaced into account, so why not?</p>
<p>Also - I don’t subscribe to “bigger always means better” or that things always have to be equally split down the middle. Location, access or the fact that he grew up in that room and that it is his own may make S’s room <em>better</em> in other ways. I was never a parent that believed that everything had to be divided exactly equally in order to be fair. Each got what was right for them when it was right for them, according to their needs and the circumstances. Many child experts will tell you that when you play the “everything equal” game it is actually counterproductive and can ironically serve to make things even more competitive. </p>
<p>As I’ve mentioned on this forum before, we attended a “letting go” session as part of D’s school’s parent orientation. The counselor, who has much experience on transition and adjustment issues of college students <em>strongly</em> suggested that if at all possible or reasonable (obviously not always going to be the case) one not change the room or move for at least a year. Just as in this thread, a large majority agreed, a few did not. </p>
<p>Anyway, we are fortunate in not having to deal with this issue. But, it is important for me that the kids know that this will always be their home, for as long as we live here - it’s not just about the statistical amount of time spent, IMO. But If I had younger kids sharing a room, I might have the kid make use of the open room during the year and move out when the college sibling comes back home and might eventually make the switch, but definitely not right away.</p>
<p>Wow, Zoosermom! Glad your D is able to continue with college but sorry for all her health issues. It seems to me that more kids are having serious health issues than back in the day, or maybe we’re just more aware of those who do have them now? Glad you had a place for D to return to without feeling even more displaced.</p>
<p>My recommendation: Tell husband and son that mom and daughter will be glad to reconsider this issue when d leaves for sophomore year of college. This winter, keep track of the impact of not having to heat that room. If it turns out later that the extra heat was not a big deal and that daughter adjusts well, has a great freshman year, and is excited for sophomore year, I’d probably would vote let him “move up.” Just not now. </p>
<p>The first month or so that she is away will be hard for her and for all of you too. Knowing she has her familiar room to come home to will help her, I think.</p>
<p>My reason for coming down on the side of “this can wait” is that there is enough upheaval and drama possible in the transition of D1 heading off to college without adding more. And it is not as if the son does not have his own space. After winter break may be the right time to look at this, or maybe at the start of D’s sophomore year. </p>
<p>I have an only child (though I was part of a competitive sibling group), so maybe I am missing something. But I don’t think that having the stay-at-home siblings circling vulture-like to claim the college-bound child’s space is optimal.</p>