Last week my mom suddenly passed. She was 88 and had been in great health literally until the day she died. The day before her death she was doing yard work with my husband snd the day before that she was swimming at her local YMCA. I am doing fine and thank you for good vibes in advance (I know you caring people have them, you don’t need to post them )
We had a small private ceremony for family only on Wednesday this week. We would like to do a “celebration of life “ shortly after Christmas for her neighbors, community snd synagogue friends. I don’t imagine it will be boards if people but a nice showing.
I’ve never really been to this type of thing - and not during still pandemic times and in Michigan , a current hot spot.
What have your done for your own family or what have been the details of any you have attended?
I was thinking:
Open house style for 1-2 hours at the most
Collages of photos of her life
Once or twice during that time a small verbal tribute to her life
Maybe a slide show of photos if we can have equipment
MAYBE a blessing or some sort??
What else is typical??? Have they been in churches? Funeral homes? (We really wanted to avoid this) community rooms?
Refreshments or no?
I personally would want it to keep Covid in mind. Any thoughts appreciated!
An outdoor venue would be safer in terms of COVID-19, especially considering that her friends may be elderly and/or medically vulnerable. Unfortunately, the weather this time of year in many places may not be that pleasant for an outdoor event, so an outdoor event may have to wait months for better weather.
We went to a family memorial in June for my 45-year-old cousin who was the ring bearer in our wedding. He died of a heart attack in Georgia (where he lived) the day after Christmas this year, but Covid prevented a gathering, so my aunt planned a memorial for June in Michigan where most our family lives. It was held in her church and officiated by a priest who has been part of our family since before my cousin was born. Because the priest knew him so well, the sermon was more a collection his sweet and funny remembrances with anyone who wanted to share invited to chime in. All the while, photos of my cousin’s life were sliding by on the two large overhead screens at each side of the altar. After the time of sharing, we headed over to the church’s community hall for a buffet lunch and the chance to catch up with family members some of us hadn’t seen in decades. It was a special time that provided comfort and some measure of closure to my devasted aunt.
By June, my aunt figured anyone who wanted to be vaccinated was and anyone who wasn’t didn’t matter. Covid concerns didn’t figure into this gathering and no one got sick (that we know of).
Last year a dear friend passed away and the family did a celebration of life, in person, but only family members (8 local). They zoomed the entire event and ‘broadcasted’ live for friends and those out of town. After the Rabbi did his part he opened the floor for family to speak, and each one did, including the grandchildren. Then they opened the floor for those on zoom. It was lovely and a ‘reception’ was held 2 hours later, also on zoom, and many came, and talked story with the family. It was really kind of special. She had a large circle of friends, worldwide, and it was nice that the family had their own time, and then a virtual gathering. No one had a vaccine at the time (we weren’t there yet), and personally I think it went well.
@thumper1 it’s the funeral home we want to avoid, we are ok with community centers/rooms!
As I mentioned we did our family event - basically her children snd grandchildren in town or on zoom this week. Someone from her synagogue led the short service. We stood around her snd each shared a story.
Next weekend we will do a Zoom call for many family
Members in the US, Canada, France and Israel.
This “celebration” is meant for her neighbors, Y friends, synagogue friends. Outside is not an option. Simple is our family vibe. Not formal. Positive. We don’t want an event months away when weather is better. We can ask people to mask.
Does your synagogue have a room they will let you use? Or a community room someplace.
I think I would not have refreshments…let people come and pay their respects…and that’s it. But that’s your choice as I’ve been to a couple of indoor things like this where light refreshments were served at the very end of the allotted time.
I also tend to think no refreshments. I am not from her town so I’m hopeful my brother/SIL can narrow down a space - but it’s helpful to hear here what type of spaces other people used.
Not having attended anything like this I’m just asking for input as to others experiences. Of course we will chose what is right for us which will likely be simple -as you say, a time for people to pay their respects.
The synagogue may be an option but hers is very small and local so the space may be…very small - it’s been a long time since I was there (I am not Jewish). I also don’t know how they would feel about an event for people outside of their members due to Covid. Of course we can ask.
I have mostly seen this done in community centers/community rooms. A photo display is nice- people like to look at that. I think a slide show is easier to overlook unless you specifically say something like “we are going to have a slide show now”.
An indoor event should work especially if you make sure it is fairly large and you plan for several hours so that people can stop by for awhile and not everyone is there at the same time. Just make sure it is accessible for older people. I would request that everyone wear a mask regardless of vaccine status and have a basket of disposable masks at the door. You might want to play some music that your mom liked. I would skip the refreshments but have a guestbook.
Hugs…
If indoors, I’d say no food. It would be good to have virtual and live, if possible. Folks who aren’t comfortable with gathering can still participate without exposing themselves and traveling.
It’s nice to have a google doc or some way for folks to share and sign in and possibly post photos of them with the loved one. In this Covid time, we have mostly done virtual celebrations and no refreshments in the small live gatherings. Everyone has worn masks and it has been ok.
We had a dear neighbor pass away a little over a year ago during the midst of the first part of the pandemic.
His widow really wanted a gathering, they were both very social. I was very apprehensive but we went.
It was good. Everyone was masked, there was a sign on the door that it wasn’t optional due to the health of the widow but I’m sure it could be phrased differently as to the health of all of the visitors.
It ended up being really good to celebrate his life and that sounds like what you want to do.
I would reach out to her synagogue first, they may have room or suggestions of where would be a good place to hold a celebration.
Libraries have meeting rooms as do township halls. Just some suggestions.
Although it would be nice to serve light refreshments, I would pass or maybe have wrapped cookies for the visitors to take home. Just a little something. Maybe?
I am sure your mom’s friends will be thrilled to meet all of her children and celebrate her life.
Covid definitely makes gathering more of a challenge. Both my parents died in 2020. We waited a year before feeling OK to gather last summer (right before Delta made it’s appearance). We waited until the family was vaccinated and we did it over the summer. We did a family led service of poems and prayers at the cemetery and then rented a large room at our hotel for a luncheon. We did a sit down lunch so we wouldn’t be sharing buffet utensils. Now, I’d probably skip the luncheon.
At the luncheon we shared memories and brought photo boards that we set up on a long table.
For a variety of reasons we were unable to craft an in person memorial for my Dad, but instead, all at the same time around the world (grandkids in Asia/Europe) we all toasted him with his favorite beverage & people emailed me photos that I shared with my mother. It was delightful.
Yes, so far, have participated in 2 virtual celebrations and 3 live ones (plus another live one tomorrow). I think in ways, the virtual ones allowed for more inclusion as people who lives far away but really were fond of the departed could participate meaningfully. For the live ones, the spec tire of Covid and possibly attending a superspreader event was always lurking. I’m sure whatever you do will be fine. Definitely would not serve food/beverages indoors for large group.
My dad passed away suddenly earlier this year and we held a small ( 25 people) masked and distanced Mass to celebrate his life. It was live streamed by the church which I know many watched. We set out 1 framed picture of him and one of my parents together. Pre covid protocol would have included a wake evening before and luncheon following mass. It was very nice to have that closure right after his death.
It’s possible we will decide to not do this event. Being that her death was with no warning and we did not get confirmation to do a service on Tuesday morning for a a Wednesday service AND it was thanksgiving week, the busiest flight week of the year, AND flights have been so hit or miss,it would have been impossible or risky for my 2 out of state sibs to get here - so I thought this was a way for them to participate in something- we were able to zoom them in for the private service. It was not ideal but I was thrilled we managed to do that.
I’m not really clear who in the family observes Jewish customs. It doesn’t sound like anyone is sitting shiva and as you note right now is a very difficult time of year for travel, especially with Michigan in the mix.
If the family follows traditional customs and does an unveiling next fall, perhaps you could plan something for then. You could hold a memorial gathering earlier in the day, and then those who wish could go to the cemetery. This is something you or your brother could discuss with your mother’s rabbi.
Personally I am not aware of “celebration of life” for Jewish memorials since normally shiva visits serve that purpose. So this is likely not something the synagogue can advise about and I wouldn’t ask them to assist, honestly. Also as a note, her Jewish friends might be uncomfortable if the celebration is held in a church.
Pre covid, I hosted a buffet lunch in a Marriott for my brother a month after he died. I had a slide show and his close childhood friends with whom he still hung out with enjoyed it a lot. I spoke first and then others shared stories. It was a nice gathering.
Two months ago I attended a memorial for a family member on the one year anniversary of their death. A mass was followed by buffet lunch in a hotel. No one wore masks and there was no distancing but no one got sick that I heard about. It was nice to see family and her friends, many who came from out of state, but there was no personal sharing of stories and it felt rather like the deceased wasn’t involved. I like the slide shows and people speaking (briefly) about the deceased.
I think the idea of doing something when the stone is unveiled is a good idea. The family can schedule that when the weather is most likely to be pleasing.
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