I am really getting nervous that my son may not be able to handle the rigorous pace of academics at the schools he was accepted to. Smart kid, but still working on things like organization, time management, etc. He is age appropriate for his current level, so he could be a repeat 9th if he applied again next year without being too old.
What are the chances you could get admitted again if you decline this year’s offer? Do any of the “top” schools have supports for executive functioning types issues? Or do they just chew you up and spit you out? A lot of profoundly gifted kids have these issues, so I would expect at least some schools would have ways to support it. He has been able to make it this far, but I don’t want to send him into a cauldron of fire.
Any suggestions? We did apply to a less intense school with higher acceptance rates and he was waitlisted.
1 Like
Overall, schools do not accept kids if they don’t think they can hack it. It doesn’t mean they might not have some speed bumps along the way, but it is really a disaster for everyone if a kid has to be uninvited for the next year.
Many schools have differing levels of support and structure, so I would recommend you carefully think through what you think your son would need. Some schools have more structure around their days - so a kid is given something to do for most hours of the day (including study hall) - while others are set up so that the kid figures out how to use unscheduled time. Build researching this into your revisits (even virtual).
Most make it easy for kids to get help from teachers. Many offer instruction in time management. Most have learning centers. Some have coaching. Most have peer tutors. See what they have and when you need.
You will have the ability to talk to your kid’s advisor and can work on a schedule that will be less overwhelming.
There is no guarantee that you’ll be accepted again. There is also no guarantee that your child will hands this better in a year.
4 Likes
Thank you. Intellectually, I know he can handle the information, and I guess the schools can see that, I just worry about the time-management piece. I have taken note along the way of schools who have study halls, and other schools where the time is more free. Of the schools we researched before applying, I found Deerfield to have the most structure and SPS to have the least. After the events of recent years, I wonder if that is really still the same at SPS or if anything has changed. I think kids in general do well with a certain level of structure.
I believe Choate had “study hours” for 9th and 10th but I can’t remember the details. Concord Academy is pass/fail first semester which I think is brilliant. Exeter/Andover seemed like colleges where you really have to be disciplined before attending.
Since revisits are still a couple weeks away, and many are on spring break, to whom can these questions be asked? I’m not sure if the whole campus goes on spring break or if admins still work. I’m almost afraid to bring it up, I don’t want them to rescind an offer if they think he might not be able to keep up.
They will not rescind an offer for asking a question.
In general, many students get imposter syndrome after getting accepted. Many, if not most, students will lack the necessary time management skills on arrival, but the majority will quickly figure it out as school starts.
6 Likes
Do you know if your son has ADHD, or are you talking “normal” disorganization for a 13 year old boy? In my limited experience, the more selective schools can support normal disorganization, but not adhd-level executive function issues.
The one trait that correlates with success at a demanding boarding school is good time management skills.
4 Likes
I think I am partly spooked by the recent suicide at Stanford. The parents felt she was too pressured and I worry about putting my son in a situation that in untenable.
He is certainly feeling imposter syndrome. Especially after the first decision was a WL at a high admit/safety school, we thought he would get accepted nowhere.
1 Like
No ADHD or learning disorders that I know about, but he’s the type of kid with the backpack full of disorganized papers. I thought he might outgrow it, but so far no luck.
He can focus for hours on something that interests him. And he does well on timed tests, etc. But time management and perfectionism are both issues. He would rather an assignment be late in order to perfect it, when I say just submit the best you can do in the allotted time frame.
I’m hoping that when the stakes are higher, he will adjust.
This may be a good time to start setting reasonable expectations. Half of the kids at all of these schools are going to be in the bottom half of the class. Most have probably been in the top decile up to this point.
Some will have top scores in international math contests. Some will be insanely talented musicians. Others will speak 5 languages fluently. This is a milieu that can be really intimidating if a kid feels like these are kids he has to compete against.
So it’s important to change the conversation to one that focuses on being one’s best self and supporting others in being their best selves, about being a good community member, etc. It really needs to focus more on him achieving his goals and not defining those in terms of others.
Really, this is a hard mind shift – not just for high schoolers. But as a parent, you play an important role in this.
Have him take a look at the book “That crumpled paper was due last week.” He’ll probably see himself in some of those scenarios and see some strategies that might help him. But I totally agree with @skieurope , most kids don’t show up at BS with these skills intact. Perfectionism is also likely to give way to efficiency.
2 Likes
That book title is DEAD ON! If I had a dollar for every crumpled paper, we wouldn’t need financial aid!!!
I have already told him that he may be a “C” student in a top school and that’s totally OK with me, as long as he is working to his potential. I think he could thrive intellectually in the presence of other curious peers.
2 Likes
Yes to resetting goals etc. I always emphasized EFFORT over outcome. So, eg, my oldest son really struggled in French. He got extra help from the teacher, needed paid tutoring, and had to put hours into studying the language. And with all that, his grade was a C+. I told my son I was proud of him, and that it was a good grade. That was the best he could do, and that’s all any pf us can do!
Conversely, his brother coasted through honors calculus without really studying and often not turning in homework. He got a B+, and I told him I was really disappointed and that this wasn’t a good grade. He put very little effort into the class, and that is what matters.
7 Likes
You might want to see the grading distribution at your acceptances. They are often included in the school profile. Here is a link to Deerfield’s latest, for example:
1 Like
Since you mention FA, I would also poke around at how comfy the environment is for kids who are not from wealthy backgrounds. It is a privilege to attend any of these schools. The student bodies at different schools may have different attitudes about their entitlement to privilege or how they use it. For some kids receiving FA, this can be challenging. For others, a complete non-issue.
At any of these schools - including those that are less selective – smart kids will have plenty of peers. Nobody will be making fun of them for working hard. This will be great for your son. The academics at these schools are truly a tide that lifts all boats!
2 Likes
I do worry about the FA issue, and we are revisiting every school that made an offer to make sure we have all the information and sense of community we can get.
@ameridad I wish this showed how many had a failing GPA, or C level at least. 10% are below an 87%, but I wonder how far below. I’m OK with C’s, but not failing out of school.
1 Like
Honestly, if your son is naturally gifted and tries to do well, he’s very unlikely to flunk out. He might start out with a “C” or two on a few things, but he’ll very likely get the hang of it and improve as the marking period goes along. If he wants to be there, he’ll make enough effort to stay. Even at the tippy top schools, it’s not as if most students are academic geniuses against whom mere mortals must compete. While certainly most kids are very bright, there’s still a range of abilities, and how hard classes are depends on various things. Maybe ease your mind by not having your son stretch for the highest math or foreign language placement.
4 Likes
Good advice for all incoming students
6 Likes
I will tell him not to worry about trying to do honors type classes or trying for the highest level in anything. No foreign languages yet, so he will be starting from the bottom on that one. HIs biggest problem is his…“interesting”…relationship with time. That’s what gets him in trouble.
2 Likes
Ultimately, you know your kid better than these schools. If your child had multiple acceptances this year I would not worry about acceptances if you delay.
1 Like
Are AO’s on spring break, as well as the kids? Who can I ask questions?
Go ahead and email them, some are on break some are working.
Yes, many schools have “skills” support (not sure which schools you’re wondering about specifically). I have friends who are teachers at some of the schools mentioned here and they’ve worked in academic support which has included helping kids plan when their homework will be done, etc. I will add, the kids are not forced to follow those plans and many do not.
I think you might need to start a survey of sorts of how much support you’re giving your son now in terms of keeping track and getting things done. What will happen when he also needs to cleans room, so laundry, manage all his time, get up on time every day, etc. It is a big deal and requires a lot of self direction from the kids. Only you can guess if your son will grow into it or possibly needs another year at home.
It is a hard decision!
1 Like
I have pulled back a lot this year. He has learned that wearing dirty laundry because you forgot to do it is not fun. I no longer rescue the laundry situation, and now he gets it done himself.
The messy room is hopeless, but that doesn’t bother him so there is no incentive there.
1 Like