My daughter turned 18 and is going to community college and living with her mom. Child support has ended now that my daughter is 18 but the mom is demanding I still pay it. I bought her a car and am making payments on it and carrying her extended warranty. My daughter has taken sides with her mom and isn’t talking to me because of this. I’ve reached out and tried to talk to my daughter but she refuses to respond to calls or texts. My parents and sisters have also reached out to her and she has ignored all of them too for months. I threatened to take her car away because she wasn’t listening or returning calls and being respectful. She refuses to have a civilized conversation about everything and seems content ignoring me. Would you go ahead and take the car away because she refuses to respond and is being disrespectful? How would you handle it? We haven’t seen each other in months because of this.
Has she seen a copy of the court order?
Do you help with any other college expenses?
The copy of the order states child support ends at 18. I tried to get her to apply for some scholarships but she was lazy and didn’t do any. The mom expects me to front out a hefty college bill. I have student loans and so do my brothers and sisters. We never had anyone pay for our college. I’m not opposed to helping her out when she’s in school, but she’s living at her mom’s going to community college. I offered her to live with me (we live in different states) and I’d pay for community college too since all her friends are away at school. She just does whatever her mom says and her mom is hell bent on me continuing to pay full child support.
So you’re willing to help pay for college if she lives with you but not if she lives with her mom?
No, she’s going to community college before she goes to regular college. I said come do community college here before you go to spend some time together. She picked a super expensive college and I’m willing to help but not pay all of it. I’m expected to pay child support for her living at her mom’s, her car and extended warranty, and then kick in for her 4 year college and community college this semester. She hasn’t talked to me in 4 months since the child support ended and won’t return my calls or texts.
No! Your child support obligation ended. They are not entitled to more, if you want to help that’s up to you. If she wants nothing to do with you other than for your money I would not be inclined to help much. Sorry. Sad situation.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with these issues. First, I think it’s very generous of you to agree to contribute towards her college expenses, especially if you weren’t consulted prior to her choosing which one to attend. Second, I would take away the car and let her know that no tuition payments will be paid until she agrees to sit down and civilly discuss finances with you. Her behavior is hardly worthy of the privilege of you paying for both a car and/or college tuition.
I am a mom by the way!
Your D is showing no gratitude nor maturity. You are already going above and beyond your court-ordered obligations and have met no cooperation. Very sad and entitled behavior imho. I wouldn’t allow her to keep car either unless she’s going to make all the payments and insurance going forward.
Wow that’s interesting you’d have that point of view. I admire you recognize that the child support ends at 18 and I shouldn’t have to keep paying.
You shouldn’t! Kids in intact marriages are not entitled to getting whatever they want. I think it is noble of you to want to help, but it should be on your terms not as an ultimatum given to you. And there should be gratitude and respect involved.
I love your answer.
Great POV. Thank you
I hope that you still love this child and want what is best for her. Assuming that is the case, perhaps you could email her and offer her an amount you feel reasonable to help get her started in life for a set period of time to use towards tuition or dorm fees or car or payments to her mom for rent or whatever. Let her work thru the priorities. Presumably you want her to attend college and expected to contribute something towards that when you became a parent. If you can decide on that amount and offer it, you both may be happier.
She isn’t talking to me now though and when I try to speak with her she ignores me. She has a very entitled sense of self right now.
It may feel very satisfying to cast your D and ex as the villains in this drama-- but if the end result is that you have zero relationship with your D you may regret it.
A car is a wonderful thing. But it is no substitute for having a loving, engaged, committed parent in your life, even after the legal documents say “You are done parenting”.
Find a mediator- a trusted friend, your lawyer, a religious leader your D has a relationship with, a therapist. Schedule a session for yourself with your D. Find out what’s really going on, LISTEN to her, so that you don’t end up throwing up your hands and cutting her off entirely.
Maybe posters here are right and she’s an ungrateful, hideous spoiled brat. Maybe posters here are wrong and she’s been trying to maintain a loving relationship with you, but hearing “You’re 18 and I’m done with Child Support” hit her like a ton of bricks-- the message wasn’t “I will always be there for you, let’s figure out what you need for your education and see if I can help you financially” but it was “I’m done, here’s the car, enjoy living with your Mom”.
You don’t know. But I know so many adults whose relationships with their divorced parents fell apart during college- often for stupid reasons, and usually over money and miscommunication. I’d hate for that to happen to you.
I totally agree. I was writing something similar, but after reading your comment, I deleted mine.
I agree with Blossom as well, if you think you’d like to have a relationship with your D in the future.
I don’t put much weight on the court order. All it says it you’re not legally obligated to pay anything further. It doesn’t mean that it is morally right to financially abandon a college student-- your child! She sounds immature and you both need to communicate for sure. Using the car as leverage may not work well. Perhaps a carrot rather than a stick? (like a partial payment to her directly, or one to her school?) I assume she is working part-time? If not she should be. Everyone needs to have some skin in the game.
My friends who got divorced all had different agreements about support. The women all bore the brunt of the support while earning less than they’re exes, which made it hard for the moms and kids.
The relationship they have with their dads was heavily influenced by how well or poorly the parents got/get along. As they get older, their feelings are a bit more independent of the moms.
All this is to say, I agree that the more you can communicate with your D and your ex, the more likely you and your D will have a better future relationship. If a neutral person all 3 of you like and respect will help mediate, that may help.