Child support after 18 while going to college

So, I am the child of divorced parents with legal court orders (I am a male 60 now).

I also didn’t go to my father’s funeral. Let that sink in for a minute.

My 3 sisters did. They “all” had issues with men to some extent which is very common with females and divorce. You know she will side with your ex since she’s lived with her all these years and most likely should. Most likely your ex has fed her with “stuff” about you etc etc. She might be right.

Your legal obligation ended. Hurrah. Your obligation to be a parent /father never does. She is your daughter. She wants to go to college then make it happen. But I don’t know your financial position and lots of divorces have something about future obligation like college. Can you and your ex contribute. She’s not a brat. She’s the product of a divorce. It’s very common.

So, yes she has to sit down with you. Yes, tell her you “want” to have a better relationship with her. But how was your relationship prior to this? Was it just cutting a check? Buying a car etc doesn’t by love. It’s just a car. Don’t threaten to take it away etc. That’s not the problem. Counseling sounds about right.

You have to decide how important it is for you to have a relationship with your daughter. If it is, then make it happen.

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Most of us don’t suddenly stop supporting our children when they turn 18. I 100% agree with Blossom to keep the long view in mind. You don’t know what your ex is saying to your daughter. Don’t take your anger out on your child. There isn’t a magic switch that makes them adults when they turn 18. She still needs your support- emotionally and financially.

Most colleges still expect divorced parent to contribute to their child’s tuition. Her aid package isn’t going to take into account you thinking she should pay her own way.

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No offense to any poster, but I am amazed at the opinions giving this young adult a pass for her behavior. If my college bound 18 year old treated me this way there would be a revocation of car privileges until we sat down and had a discussion. She may be immature but that doesn’t mean you can treat your parent like crap, with your hand outstretched for money.

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Just curious - did you have a conversation about finances with your daughter, back when she was 15 or 16, about what would happen when she turned 18, where you clearly told her what you’d be willing to pay for and not pay for? If not, that might be part of the problem. It sounds like she had expectations and you were blindsided by them, which is the kind of thing that happens when people don’t talk about money.

It’s uncomfortable to say, “After you turn 18, I’ll pay $X toward college, as well as cover your car and the extended warranty, but you’ll need to get a job to pay your own living expenses and cover whatever else you need,” if you are pretty sure she’d be disappointed with that. Saying that up front, though, would have given her time to accept those limits and not have grand expectations.

Two divorced parents I know are currently in disagreement about paying for college for their twins (graduating HS in '23). The mom wants to send one kid to straight to the state flagship because they’re a good student and she feels it will serve that kid best, but the dad is refusing to agree to anything except to send both kids to the local community college (where his current partner works, and therefore they get free tuition). This has resulted in some tension betweeen the parents, but at least the kids know where the parents stand and both kids accept that they’re going to the CC (mom cannot afford state flagship on her own), and thus won’t result in the one kid being totally disappointed spring of senior year when he finds out after getting accepted to said state flagship that he can’t afford to go. A little disappointment now to head off a shocking disappointment later.

Still, having not been clear does not put you on the hook for paying for an expensive school. She should have asked you if (and how much) you would be willing to contribute to the cost, not assume you’d pay half or more for any school. At this point it sounds like she’s emotionally blackmailing you by refusing to talk, but I don’t think using the car as a tool to get even or punish her is going to help anything, even though it probably feels unfair to be paying for it at this point. I like Blossom’s suggestion of trying to find a mediator. You really need someone to help you both work through the financial conversation that you should have had a few years ago.

We have a snapshot of what’s going on here from one point of view. We don’t know the complete history. It may not be as simple as her acting like a disrespectful brat.

Regardless, if the daughter is playing chicken, the dad has to decide if he’s willing to risk their relationship in order to “win.”

Agreed we don’t know the history. But the behavior on its face is obnoxious. It’s not a question of winning, IMO. It’s a question of respect. All I’m saying is that he should not have to treat her with kid gloves because she doesn’t live with him. Parenting styles clearly differ so YMMV.

You’re done paying support to the mother of the child. That is over. You never have to pay her mother again. Now, do you want to help the child? Then deal directly with her.

First of all, if she wanted to live with you, she’d already be there. Don’t try to condition help with college with her living with you. Why would you do that? Sounds to me as if you are trying to bribe her, or compel her, and sounds as if you are trying to harm her mother through her. Give that idea up entirely. Let her know that she is always welcome in your home, and leave it at that. Don’t make her living with you a condition of helping her.

Most people who go to community college then transfer with an associate’s degree to a 4 yr public college for the last two years. Assuming that you and/or her mother earn decent livings, she won’t qualify for a Pell grant. Usually, in situations like this, the child is expected to take out what the government will loan her ($5500-$7500/yr), and each parent kicks in about the same, and the kid works a part time job. Community college costs very little, usually about 7K/yr in tuition. In-state schools usually cost about 12K/yr in tuition, plus another 16K/yr in living expenses. So a 4 yr degree can be obtained in most states, without scholarships, for about 80K, certainly less than 100K, by using this community college to 4 yr college route. Kid borrows the 26K that the government will lend her. Each parent kicks in about the same, brings her up to 75K. If she works part time during the school year, and full time over summer and most of her vacations, she can easily earn the other 25K over the course of her 4 yrs.

I’d send her a letter explaining this, that you love her and want to help her, and that this is what you are willing to offer her, and that you expect a response from her. I would also tell her that you are happy to continue to help her with car expenses, in the context of a relationship involving communication, with the unsaid implication that if she does not respond, you will take back the car. You can deal with that later on if she doesn’t respond.

I’m sure there’s a lot of miserable back history here, regarding money and a whole lot of other stuff, but based upon what you’ve told us, this seems to be the best option. It sure sounds to me as if it’s not possible for you to communicate directly with the mother, and decide together how you three are going to finance college for the daughter, which is too bad. So barring that, communicate directly with your daughter and make her that proposal. You can sweeten the deal with offering to consider helping her to pay off the loan portion, after she’s graduated.

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Threads like this one give me pause, because we get only one pov, and the slimmest of details. Distilling an 18 year relationship with a child, especially with a divorce involved, to “is the kid a brat or not because she is refusing to talk to her dad” is impossible to do. There HAS TO BE a lot of things that happened along the way leading up to this situation. So it isn’t so much giving the kid a pass as understanding human relationships are complicated and there is no way this is the full story. It feels equally manipulative and uninformed to say “take the car away, that will show her to be respectful” as it does to say “cut her some slack”.

To me, taking the car away just teaches her that the relationship with her dad is 100% transactional. Did he give her the car only so he had something to take away? A true gift is a gift with no strings attached, not a trade for respect. That car was no gift if it can be taken away. Pretty sure his daughter knows that.

My question is: What reason has OP given his daughter to respect him? You can’t label her a brat without knowing that first. Has he been present in her life? Has he modeled how he wants her to be with money, with family, with education, etc? Has he broken promises to her before? We don’t know. He could be father of the year. Or not. How are we supposed to give advice?

He absolutely has no obligation to pay for college, but she has that expectation. Is there anything he has said (or not said) to give her the mistaken impression that he would? If the daughter believes for some reason he is breaking a (spoken or unspoken) promise to her, then I can understand why the relationship has fallen apart. If they can’t talk to each other about it directly, then they need a respected neutral to help.

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Has the daughter shared any true cost for tuition or books?

I don’t just give my adult child “an allowance” which is basically what OPs child is asking for.

Say you would be willing to discuss if actually bills were shared.

I attempted to be very open and candid with my response. If you aren’t the product of a divorce then you won’t understand. It’s the culture from what I gather she is acting out from. In other words… There is much more to this story. The attitude of “I met my legal obligation” tells me enough. There is some deep sole searching that needs to happen. It’s not about attitude of the child, money or the car or college. It goes deeper then that.

Again, we don’t know what the OP can afford or not. We don’t know if the ex can or will contribute. Can’t settle his whole divorce in a few sentences.

I will do anything for my kids especially when it comes to their education and future. My obligation as a parent didn’t end at 18.

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I think many of us know families where a parent did not contribute financially to the 18+ year old’s education and all the issues that ensued.

Really, most kids aren’t done with educational and other needs at age 18, regardless of what may be set forth in any divorce decree.

Ideally, if you can find a mutually trusted mediator you and D can work with, that would be ideal. It would be best to work our some understandings if you and she are to have a future relationship, regardless of where she lives and what your ex tells her.

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The situation here sounds a lot like my brother and his daughter. She stopped talking, he stopped paying. They haven’t talked to each other in over ten years. She got married; he wasn’t invited. She has had a son that my brother has never seen. Sad all around.

Sounds like the OP’s daughter has already stopped communicating so a few questions. What kind of money are we talking about? If the amount is not a burden to the OP, then why not just continue and hope for a change of heart of the daughter. If the amount is a burden, then maybe a reduction might be in order. However, the consequences of that might be forever and is that something the OP can live with.

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I’ll share this. We were never married and the OP has always wanted me to take a back seat in her life and just pay child support. I’ve had to fight for my rights to see my daughter every step of the way. I lived out of state so when I used to fly and see my daughter for my weekend her mom would get temporary restraining orders to stop the visitation from happening. After a few times of that happening I quit my job and moved out to where she lived. The OP fought me constantly and we were in court for every living thing. I got in a car accident and needed neck surgery and wound up moving back home after about 7 years when my daughter was smaller. The settlement awarded my daughter $30k for loss of parental consordiumship but her mother was very spiteful and refused the settlement money. To this day, it was never understood why she wouldn’t accept money to help our daughter. Needless to say, the money was only for my daughter and since her mom had legal rights to sign for my daughter she refused it and that was the end of it. I also paid her child support directly instead of through the attorney general for the first 2 years. She took advantage of an error in the system saying I owed $80k in child support since the attorney general had no record of payments for the first two years. I resolved that at an extra cost to myself but I’ve always had to fight to see my daughter. She’s never wanted me to be around for her and has always bad mouthed me because I didn’t want to be with her and have a relationship. It’s constantly been a struggle to stay in my daughter’s life but I’ve done the best I could. I put her through braces twice, got her a car, taught her how to drive, helped her with school and her expenses above and beyond child support. Now at 18 years old her mom is putting heavy pressure on her not to talk to me and has 0 respect for the situation and is posting on Facebook bashing me and trying to embarrass me into paying her. My daughter refuses to speak to me and that’s why I asked about the car because that is my only leverage with her and because im tired of the lack of respect when I’ve fought so hard to stay in her life. Does that change anything?

In most cases even where the parents are still married to each other and the child lives with them, there still are very significant limits on what the parents are willing to pay for college or university. Setting a budget and sticking to it is very normal. It is reality for the vast majority of students.

My understanding is that you have no legal obligation at all. I personally am not very inclined to voluntarily give large amounts of money to someone who does not appreciate it. I probably would pay nothing under the circumstances, and wait to see whether it eventually sinks in that they need to talk to you and stick to a budget if they expect to get anything at all.

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So a lawyer to stop your ex wife’s posts etc or some order to stop is needed.

As I stated there is always something deeper going on. Yes, it’s great you made attempts. Counseling early on would of been helpful with your daughter etc.

Your daughter will listen to your ex since she has heard all her life how bad you are. You might of said some things about your ex also. It’s a common theme.

I didn’t know exactly what was going on till my sister’s with me went to friend of the court and pulled some files. Forgot how we did it. That was exceptionally eye opening for us. Maybe your daughter should know about your arrangements and what was offered. That you attempted. Knowing the truth can be eye opening . But more importantly, it’s your decision if you want to attempt to have a relationship with your daughter. Your situation sucks,no question.

You can’t really change your ex behavior but you got a shot at your daughter’s. Does she need the car? She will regret you further if it’s taken away. Somehow you got to instill open communications with your daughter. I think she needs to see in black and white. Settlement papers are pretty black and white. Again, she might need counseling with you or alone to figure this all out. She’s just 18. Don’t mistake that for an adult.

I’d stop paying child support. If you want to pay for college or help, that’s up to you. If what you describe is true, that she won’t contact you, then I wouldn’t pay. Offer her the money if she’d like to have a relationship with you as a father, but not as a rich donor who just wants to send her money. This can be explained in a letter to HER, not to her mother. Child support is set up in a certain way by law because that’s what the state thinks is fair. Different states have different cutoff ages (18, grad from high school, 21, married, join military, etc). Sometimes the amount paid reflects that. You might have paid a little more because your state knew the obligation was for 18 years and not 21, wouldn’t include college. It’s hard to say if what you paid was fair in Ohio but not in Georgia, or California, or NY. The law here was 18. My BIL paid his required amount for 15 years, and then helped his son pay for college basically the same amount as child support, but when son stopped going to college and moved back to his mother’s, BIL stopped paying. He continued to have a relationship, continued to send birthday money or take him out (son lives about 4 hours away) when in that town, etc., but the ex-wife was out of it. She always made more money than BIL and always acted like she deserved more - more time, more holidays, more money, more insurance, etc. She was an unhappy person.

As for the car, was it a gift for graduation, a birthday, all that? Do you make payments on a very expensive car? Who pays the insurance? If it was a gift, then it was a gift. If it was for her to use but you own it, then you could take it back since her high school days are over.

My parents weren’t divorced, but I didn’t get guaranteed money every month when I was in college. I earned as much as I could, my father sometimes sent me $100 for rent (but only if I begged). I never had a car in college and when I graduated I did get one - and the payment book that came with is! (he paid first payment as a gift, the rest was on me). And I appreciated it. He spent a lot of money on himself and on the kids living with him (I have 3 younger brothers) but the 3 older kids (me, brother, sister) were in college, out of sight, out of mind. And off the payroll.

My own kids (I’m a single mother with no other parent paying anything) did not have cars in college, did not get guaranteed money from me, were offered to live for free at home but chose to pay rent and go to colleges far away. Sometimes they like me, sometimes they don’t, but they never thought I was unfair or withholding money they were ENTITLED to (they knew they weren’t entitled and that I was doing my best). Now they are independent, even though one just started grad school; grad school is ALL on her (luckily, it’s fully funded but she works to pay the rent and support her coffee habit).

I have a friend whose husband died when her kids were quite young. She received social security for them and she KNEW it was going to end when they were 18/grad from hs. She planned for it! Your daughter’s mother knew the child support was going to end. She should have planned.

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This is so important to remember.

@Coochie28 , you were not the custodial parent who saw her every day, who talked to her every day, who taught her and loved on her from the day she was born until today. You felt the monthly sting of child support, but while child support payments helped her mother financially support your daughter, it was no substitute for a father’s love and constant emotional support.

It is completely logical that the daughter would side with the person who not only raised her, but chose not to live in another state. If the mother depended/depends on that child support payment to pay her mortgage/rent/bills and is now suffering because they ended, of course the child will feel the parent who sacrificed everything to raise her should have more. I’m not saying you should pay more - but you should try a little harder to understand and not automatically feel animosity toward a child who is not yet an adult.

If you truly want your daughter to spend a year with you while attending CC, you have to change your approach. Don’t reprimand her for not understanding your point of view - thank her for being the best daughter a father could have. And never say to her anything negative about the parent who was a daily part of her life.

Every time you say something negative to your daughter about her behavior or her mother, you validate more negative thoughts she may have about absentee fathers. It doesn’t matter if you feel you have valid reasons to have been absent - to the child, she knows only that you were absent. If you want to be present now, you have to make concessions.

Or, you can decide to step away. It’s truly your call at this point. You only owe what you want to owe. And you can regain your daughter only by trying different tactics.

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“Daughter, I would like you to look at the court decree…the one I have been abiding by for years. It says that I am to be paying Child support of $XXX per month which I have been doing. Now that you are an adult, the court said that child support payments are not needed. Your mom knows this…she has had 10 years to prepare for this change in her budget.
THAT SAID, although I am no longer mandated to provide child support, I do want to support you as you go though college, like many parents do. However, that doesn’t mean it needs to be the same way that it was…you need a place to stay…You can stay with me or your mom. I would very much like it if you stayed with me. But if you want to stay with your mom that is absolutely fine but something I am not going to pay extra for…if you and your mom agree that you are staying there that is up to her to cover. I am covering your car/insurance payments as support. You don’t have to like this but I do ask that you treat me with respect.”

I would not take away the car because she is an pain in the butt…teenagers are known pain in the butts. You are the adult. You need to keep the relationship going for the long run. Realize she is being influenced by your ex.

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Among my adult friends who are the product of divorce- the one thing they ALL agree on-

They need to know- every single day when they are young, and frequently when they get older- that even though spouses divorce, they do not divorce their kids. Not ever. They can be disappointed in their kids (as are parents of intact families), they can try to persuade with facts (not emotion or guilt) if they don’t agree with a kids decision, they can express an opinion (preferably once- and then let it drop). But good parents don’t divorce their kids.

OP- apart from child support-- have you demonstrated consistent, reliable, unshaking “I’m here for you and I’m proud of you” to your kid? Because that does not come through in your posts. What comes through is that you obeyed the law (no extra points for that, sorry) and that you tried to guilt your D into moving in with you to attend a cheaper college than the one she chose. And that you and her mom have never gotten on the same page W/R/T child-rearing.

This is not a recipe for a healthy adult relationship with your D.

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