Just a FYI, my oldest graduated in 2018 from the same university my husband graduated from in 1989. His cost was <$40,000, hers was $120,000+. So, even though no one helped you and your sibling with college costs, times have unfortunately changed. There is SO little private scholarships, mine got some through the ones offered through the high school, and merit awards from the colleges they applied to. If she’s in CC now, she still has time to apply to a 4 year as a transfer. Everyone needs to be on the same page regarding tuition, our kids knew that there were many schools they shouldn’t even bother to apply to due to finances. I sounds like your daughter’s mother sabotaged your relationship with your daughter, which many ex’s do. I guarantee taking the car away will not work well in your favor.
Let’s start here. You don’t owe the mother any more child support. You should still want to provide some things directly for your daughter. Your daughter will still have needs beyond a place to live and it would be good to help her with some of those things. Obviously you want her to be appreciative and communicate. Others have suggested counseling to achieve this, that’s a great plan to try to get going.
Reading your take further down about the struggles you faced this whole time is heartbreaking. The mother sounds extremely controlling and more about getting money than anything else. You’re in a horrible spot. Honestly I would not put any energy into the mother. I would let the daughter know the circumstances that you have experienced while she was growing up and let her know that you would like to have a real relationship with her now and try to move on from there. It sounds like she has been thoroughly poisoned against you, that’s not her fault. Don’t take her car. Don’t use it as leverage. Through counseling or otherwise work out with her how you can help HER from now on. She’ll probably need financial assistance with college. Certainly you should be a part of her decisions though or tell her you’re willing/able to assist up to a certain amount for school. She needs clothes, essentials, etc. That’s not your full responsibility but I would suggest you help HER with some of those things. You have been on a hard road and you still have a ways to go but you should only be worried about your daughter right now.
My oldest is 19. He currently is away at college. When at home he doesn’t pay for rent, food or basic needs. He had a part time job last summer and a full time apprenticeship this summer. He made a little money but not much. I did have him start to pay for a few things to let him know he is going to eventually be responsible for more and more. I want him to succeed and am trying to help him get started. There are limitations though and one of those was college cost. My goal is to eventually turn loose a fully prepared and functioning member of society. It’s an ongoing process.
So, you owe your daughter’s mother nothing else in my mind. You owe your daughter your love, support and some assistance. She’s obviously in a tough spot with what she has been fed over the course of her life regarding you. Try not to make it worse. Tell her the truth and propose a path forward. Let her know you want to be there for her. Hopefully you can get her attention and end up having a relationship that is beneficial to both of you. I wish you the best. I’m sorry you are in this situation. Hang in there and take in all the good advice you’ve been given.
Obviously, the first problem to address is one of reestablishing some sort of communication.
We don’t know how your last interaction with your daughter went, and how (poorly?) it ended, so that she’s now no longer taking anyone’s calls etc.
I would carefully draft a fairly short/concise letter, that is not bitter, doesn’t fester on (her) past missteps or misguided expectations - but instead is forward-looking and constructive. You would send it “Registered Mail Restricted Delivery” (https://faq.usps.com/s/article/What-is-Registered-Mail#registered_mail_restricted_delivery), which will reduce the possibility that your wife could sign for it and throw it out.
In that letter I would make clear that although you and her Mom had decided to divorce - that never meant that you divorced from her. So while you are no longer obligated to contribute to her Mom’s household, you will always be around to support your daughter DIRECTLY, just as you would if the marriage had never failed.
Of course, that does mean that your daughter will have to include you in her planning, so that she can understand your financial abilities, or limits, and those can become part of her plan.
Then, in closing, apologize in case you made her feel that she was being cut off and encourage her to call or meet so that you can both find a way forward, including her college plans.
As far as the car, I would not use it as leverage. When you had purchased the car (incl. warranty, just as I have done) a few years ago, it probably didn’t come with any “strings” attached. It was probably presented to her lovingly as “her” car, and understood that way. Rather than exploiting your legal options, I would feel morally bound and not “go back” on that “present”.
(When I give someone a present, and later we have a fall-out, my feelings for that person at the time had caused me to “give”, it wasn’t meant to tie down the other person in perpetuity.)
You’re done contributing to your wife’s household, regardless what she is hell-bent on.
As far as your daughter, I suggest you be guided by whatever you had planned your life-obligations to your child to be when she was born. Divorcing your wife should not alter your perspective how much (or how little) you considered financing her college-education to be part of a parental obligation.
That is a very personal decision, and everyone’s means are different. So there is no “right” answer!
Per example, when I became a Dad, I never assumed my “fatherly obligations” would end at whatever arbitrary age cut-off, but only once I had allowed her to reach her full potential – to the best of my abilities. Consequently, my long-term planning started the day she was born, a college fund was set up and I contributed early and often (monthly auto-deductions), encouraging grand-parents to make those their gifts. My state of “Husband” was completely separate from my state of “Dad”, and the obligations I chose to assume with those.
In that spirit, I hope you can untangle the difficulties of dealing with your ex-Wife, and custody/child-support issues, from the being a Father to your daughter, as if the divorce never took place. If you would have paid whatever part of the community college tuition if you were still married, then I personally would follow-through with that.
Actually, OP explained above there was no marriage and no divorce but there is the D. It sounds like you as the dad have to decide what relationship (if any) you want moving forward with this, your D, in spite of the mom’s obvious continuing hostility.
Understood, thanks.
To me, whether there was a formal marriage, and legal divorce - or a different/informal relationship and contractual separation, or possibly never any sort of family relationship and just court-decreed obligations,… it just changes the “terminology” used, not the spirit in which I would act.
As Always Bloosom is right on point. I would just add one thing. When was the last time you told your daughter you loved her? Just for being her.
I was going to suggest the letter writing but kids have emails. Maybe you can go to lunch or something. Go for a hike/walk somewhere and just talk. Gotta get that conversation going somehow.
Going for a drive was a good way to get my kids to talk, especially if it was where they wanted to go. Somehow I think they found it easier with no eye contact.
This is really a chance to try to have an adult relationship with your D by talking about what her plans and dreams are and how you can work together to achieve them.
OP stated that when the mother repeatedly torpedoed his visits from out of state with the child, he picked up and moved to where the child was, just so as to have a relationship with the child. IF the story he tells is true, that the mother lied regarding the first two years of support which he had provided directly, instead of waiting for it to be garnished from his wages, and then tried to get duplicate support out of him through the courts for that time, and that she apparently made every effort to prevent her daughter from having a relationship with her father, and now has recruited the daughter to reject the father unless he continues to pay the mother, it’s pretty clear which parent actually cares about the child, and which one is using her.
I know of many men who have given up in situations like this. IF what the OP says is true, kudos to him for trying so hard to maintain a relationship with his daughter, despite the child’s mother doing everything possible to prevent it. But he shouldn’t have to pay blackmail to the mother. Frankly, in this situation, he’s probably just better off giving her that first car, if he has the means, and then telling her that his door is always open to her, but that he will not let her blackmail him into giving her mother money.
I believe he has told what he sees as his truth. OTOH, he stated that the mother is only after money, but also that she refused $30K. That’s a huge contradiction that begs more information. We’re not going to get it and I’m not saying we should get it all, but there remains the mother’s truth and the daughter’s truth. This is a sad, three-sided story.
You’re right about some men giving up. Then there are those who consider their relationship with and obligation to their child(ren) too important to give up.
The OP has to deal with his daughter directly. Helping out a daughter after she turns 18 is a contractual endeavor, albeit in the ideal a caring and supportive one. To the extent she is not receptive, this is unfortunately a frequent casualty in divorce. The OP has to be extremely patient and consistently be willing to do the right thing, even if it doesn’t pay immediate dividends. Not a good situation.
I am the product of divorce. My father abandoned the family in every way- quite wealthy actually but he had girlfriends to support, and a gaudy lifestyle to pay for - gambling, country clubs, expensive German sports cars, and so on. I was lucky - both my brother and I went to school on athletic scholarships (Olympic sports where scholarships were rare, especially at Top 25 schools) which let him run away more easily - my mother remained destitute, however. The point of all of this is that even if my father had the interpersonal skills to recover a relationship with his sons - he does not - he put himself in a position where relationships were bound to be permanently eclipsed. The objective is not to let that happen. It not easy for the OP - one can unwittingly l fall into blaming the daughter for any number of things. My advice is to play the long game, be consistent, honest and caring even if there is no feedback.
In that case, I would simply be guided by U.S. alimony law and in no way no longer helped his daughter. After all, if the ram has reached 18 years of age, then the guardianship is over. If the purely human factor is taken into account, then I would also stop making any gifts if your child has such a reaction to the fact that you are helping her. I would not take the car. but I would not make other gifts.