@neatoburrito Culver Academies ?
Peddie is an amazing place and I would encourage you to not sell it short. It is an open and welcoming environment as evidenced by the fact that a major part of their endowment comes from an alumnus that went their back when BS excluded his socio-economic group. I struggled with a similar situation three years ago when my son was admitted to Andover and Peddie. Andover was always his first choice but he very nearly chose Peddie and I would have fully supported his choice. Full disclosure my wife is Peddie '84, whenever I’ve been on campus I felt like I’d was also a member of the alumni. I’ve enjoyed my time on the Peddie Campus and feel quite strongly that it is under valued on CC.
DD was accepted at a couple of top 10 colleges but chose Fordham (also pretty respectable) to avoid student debt and to be in NYC. She is doing very well and has been given great opportunities as a freshman that would not have been available to her at the other schools. Something to think about. Good luck.
Yes Culver. And I agree w/others that your son is asking good questions. Revisits!
It seems to me that your kid needs to visit Peddie. He has spent a lot of time at Exeter…if you have to choose only one to visit, it should be the school you know less about. And, yes, you should give serious weight to the kid’s opinion. This is their schooling, they are doing the work, and they need to be happy where they are.
Yes. We are going to revisit both schools. I recognize that these are real questions (and I respect them), but I still think that a lot of this is cold feet and 13 year-old psychology. Exeter was the first school he heard from and it resulted in tremendous elation. Prior to getting acceptances, Exeter was always #1. When everything came in, and he received a rejection from Choate (a beloved school for him), he went down this journey of self doubt. I really feel that if he were accepted at every school, that this would be a non-issue, and he would simply choose Exeter without giving it a second thought.
I know my son and he is not the “maximizer” referred to in jdewey’s Atlantic piece referenced above. He is always looking for “good enough.” He equates Exeter with high pressure and high expectations and sees Peddie as having much more achievable expectations with less competition. Even though he loves Exeter, he is afraid of failure. He is intimidated by its selectivity and reputation. He feels that he doesn’t belong there because he is just a regular smart kid and not a driven genius already on the US Math team. Some more background on him - He comes from a very high educationally achieving family with grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles who have earned multiple undergraduate/graduate/professional degrees from Ivy League schools. There is definitely pressure on him (real or perceived) to achieve similar results in life.
In previous conversations, we have vaulted Peddie to a #2 spot ahead of some other more prestigious schools precisely because we felt like it was a hidden gem that he would do well at and even alluded to the fact that many students went to Penn (one of his legacy schools). Going into M10, we fully expected that Peddie would be the final result based on positive feedback to his Principal and lack of Exeter contact (along with realistic expectations).
All of the following factors have conspired to bring Exeter enrollment into question -
- The build up to M10 with anxiety and inevitable catharsis/let down
- The perceived lack of attention from Exeter,
- The subtle recruitment from Peddie via Principal/Coaches,
- Self doubt and “imposter syndrome,”
- The goal of attending Penn appearing more achievable from Peddie,
- Exeter’s intimidating reputation,
- Pre-teen pride (I earned Peddie on my own, but only got into Exeter because of my parents),
- Hidden gem perception of Peddie (I can be on the ground floor of an up and coming school. Exeter has no where to go but down)
- Pre M10 Pump up of Peddie in anticipation of Exeter Rejection
- Surprise rejections from schools he felt confident that he would be accepted to (or at least WL’d at),
- Pre-teen individualism and contrarianism (who says that I need to go to Exeter just because it is the “best school in the country.” It’s not and I don’t need to. You can’t make me).
And of course, the most difficult reason to contend with:
- Peddie is a fantastic school and there is a realistic scenario where my son would be happier there.
It sounds to me as if there is pressure being applied on your son to attend Exeter. I hope that is not the case. He may, or may not, be having cold feet", but the tough environment he is anticipating at Exeter is very real. Part of the reason you go away to school is to experience other things than academics (living on your own, trying out for teams, joining clubs). If you have to spend all of your time doing schoolwork in an attempt to be the cream of the crop at such a school, will you take the chances on teams/clubs/friendships/etc… Will the pressure to succeed be crushing or motivating? Exeter is an excellent school - of that there is no doubt. That does not mean it is an excellent school for EVERYONE. It is large. There is an expectation that you will do it “on your own” (and yes, I know there is plenty of help if you want it). Some people view it as cold. Some view it as the best place ever.
Please give your son the gift of allowing him to go to the re-visits with zero input from you during the visit. By all means, discuss things with him afterwards, but you won’t know his true feelings unless he is allowed to be free from the pressure of family expectation.
Obviously, this is your family and your call. I am not telling you how to parent. But, if you want him to “buy in” to whatever school he attends, you would be well served doing what you can to make sure it is his decision. He is, by now, sure of what you want him to do. Why not see what he comes up with “on his own”? You can always override it – but give him a chance. He might surprise you by thinking of some aspect not already on your list…
Good luck to him. The good news is: he has choices. And good ones.
@london203 - No question that there is perceived pressure to attend Exeter from everywhere around him. Parents, grandparents, teachers, principal, friends. None of the teachers at his school have ever heard of Peddie, so that alone is a subtle form of “pressure.” Imagine telling a teacher/adult about the schools you have been accepted to and watching their reaction to Exeter (surprise/elation/pride) vs. Peddie (where is that school?) - this reaction is sending a strong message to him.
I actually think that it is this kind of influence (and not parental) that will eventually put Exeter back on top of his list. It’s probably not the best way to come to this conclusion.
We have not signed anything and are keeping an open mind with revisits.
Good luck. I hate the thought of a 13-year old having that much pressure on him. All of his admits are great choices. IMHO, more thought should be given to where he will be happiest and successful, not where the adults in his life will be most proud to tell people he attends.
Considering many top students matriculating to Peddie these days, I would think school work at Peddie is no cake walk either. I also imagine school work at Exeter could be adjusted to more manageable level.
It is important to consider where the pressure is coming from internally or externally. If external, others can try to assuage it by emphasizing that it’s the effort that counts not the grades, etc. If you give all you can and get C/D grades that is fine. Or one can decide to ignore the external pressure like I did as rebellious teens can do. But then, there are other kids who has internal pressure and drive themselves into neurosis that is much harder to help.
At Andover, I think a few years ago, the AO, when asked about sink/swim culture, said that they no longer have that. They try to help the students succeed not weed them out. However, the student does need to come half way to meet the help. Perhaps that would be a valuable lesson to learn for an always excelling kid. Learning to ask for help.
Trust me, Peddie has many really fine teachers and the kind of resources that a well-endowed school should have. Its name is well-known in the elite college world, whether the “general public” knows it or not (naturally, the public that is going to consider a New England boarding school doesn’t know much about New Jersey, other than Lawrenceville, because “prestige” is so embedded in that culture). Peddie has been transformed since the early 1990s into a powerhouse. While it does suffer in the competition with the elites (and therefore offers merit scholarships), it also attracts plenty of smart and interesting kids from all over the world. Visit with an open mind.
I have an open mind about his decisions. In fact, I was fine with him staying at home. The BS decision was driven entirely by him after he spent the summer at Exeter.
I need help with ways to talk to my son about being honest with his feelings about how to handle self-imposed expectations. He likes Exeter and wants to go there. He is afraid of not distinguishing himself there and not being “good enough.” In the hypothetical scenario of pass/fail courses for 4 years and automatic admission to the same college, he would choose Exeter for the experience, school size, quality of education, and culture. He is clear about this. He thinks that he might be happier at Peddie because he will be under less pressure because he can more easily distinguish himself. I don’t think that is a great reason to select a school and it would set forth a pattern of rejecting challenges and playing it safe. If he told me that he liked Peddie because of its signature science program or because he really connected with the football coach, or because he felt like there was a more supportive environment there, then this would be a different conversation.
What does heartburner Mom have to say about all this? She is apparently the Exeter legacy. How does She think HB son will manage the Exeter Experience??
HBMom thinks that Exeter is the perfect match for HBKid and his destiny. She feels that after the revisit, all will be right in the world and Exeter will be chosen for its clear superiority for kid and family. She had a fantastic life-changing and long-lasting experience at the school and naturally wants this for her son.
She loved Peddie as a second choice and was quite relieved when it became clear that this was a likely option in the weeks before M10, but always had Exeter at the top of the list.
My speculation is that all the family discussion right now is becoming counter productive. Since your son will be revisiting both, put it on the back burner for now, except for maybe helping him draft a list of factors to consider at both schools during revisits.
There are MANY, many normal but bright kids at Exeter. Your son needs to know they aren’t all geniuses. My kid would have been one had he not chosen another school. Our family knows many of these normal, not genius kids. Any chance that your family knows some kids there currently that he can connect with either while they are home on break or at his revisit?
Agree on the family discussions - We have a moratorium on these now. We are going to focus on summer vacation plans.
I feel like perhaps left off the laundry list of what is making your kid nervous is the fact that his SSAT scores put him 10 points or so below the average of the incoming Exeter class and 10 points above the average at Peddie. I think he is right to think that it will be hard for him to stand out there, it is hard for anyone to stand out there. When we start to talk about a particular school being a kids “destiny” I start to wonder who this is really about….
@heartburner first off a wonderful congratulations to you and your son! Bravo on the acceptances. I thought about you a ton last night as I think what you have described of wanting the best for him is really fantastic and you seem like a really really great dad. I can only imagine your confusion that your son might hesitate so close to the gate, but I think this is a pretty common feeling so you needn’t give it much concern. When your son was at the schools before he was visiting ‘their’ school (sooo intimidating) , now he will go and visit ‘his’ school. It’s entirely likely that when he spends the day at Peddie or Exeter, he will just get a feeling. When that happens…never look back. They both will be amazing high school experiences, it’s a sure thing!
We have a similar debate going on in our house right now, and I’m also trying to keep in mind that “succeeding” in terms of measurable outcome (i.e., grades, honors, ultimate college matriculation) and “succeeding” in terms of personal growth/educational experience/general happiness are not necessarily the same thing. My husband’s siblings and cousins all went to Exeter and were very successful there by any outward measurement. But only one of the four of them would say they enjoyed the experience – though none of them were miserable at the time – and would consider sending their kids there. Now if the three who didn’t enjoy Exeter but did “succeed” there had gone to a Peddie instead, would they have been happier with the experience? I think almost certainly yes. Would they still have succeeded in getting into the Ivy League schools that they attended after Exeter? I guess we’ll never know.
People do get into Ivys from Peddie. Heck they even get in from Public Schools. Getting into top schools depends on the student, not the school.