I had a similar experience like this last year, and I can offer a teenager’s view on such things, I hope.
Before M10, my parents were expecting acceptances everywhere(unrealistic I know, but they have high expectations), so we were already duking out which school I would attend. Switch Andover for Exeter and Lawrenceville for Peddie, and I was basically in that situation.
Parents were pushing hard for Andover, for prestige and all the other reasons, and they thought that I would be on the same boat. So when I told them that my first choice was Lawrenceville, they kind of did a double take. My reasoning was that I had a really really good feeling about Lawrenceville.
The reason to choose where you go should be fit above all else. From friends’ experiences at Andover and from what I’d heard in the interview, I kind of had this feeling that Andover wasn’t the right school for me, and from all of the information and alumni recounting of Lawrenceville, I had a good idea of how I’d fit almost right in there.
I almost felt lucky then when I found out I was rejected at Andover on the afternoon of M10 after the Lawrenceville acceptance in the morning, since now I’d have the ability to choose.
Your son seems to be in the same boat, except this time, he has the acceptance from Exeter. I think that you should give your input, and then leave the decision up to the kid, and make sure that he knows that you’ll be proud of him and support him no matter which direction he chooses to go. Because most of the time, fit is what matters to us younguns. Some people that I know weren’t comfortable coming here in the first place withdrew after a couple terms, and that is something that you very much don’t want that to happen after all of this grueling process.
I emphatically disagree with that above comment. Kids at thirteen and fourteen know themselves enough to gain a relative sense of how they would fit in at a school. If he indeed feels that one school might offer him a better fit, then in all probability, he is correct.
I appreciate all the input and advice. I think that the hesitation about Exeter vs. Peddie has stirred up some thought provoking conversation. I didn’t even mention how there has been some initial family disagreement on the potential role of Loomis instead of Peddie and how there was some consideration for looking into Lawrenceville’s waitlist! All conversation on the topic has been put to a halt at home - the answer will be revealed in the revisits.
LLNY’er - Yes, the SSAT scores play into this, knowing that they are below average at one and above average at the other. I think that is partly what makes the choices interesting. Still doesn’t mean that he would not succeed or be happy at Exeter. I would be interested in knowing how well SSAT scores correlate with academic success at Exeter. According to the head of admissions there, he strongly felt that the Math/Quant score was the greatest predictor, which in my son’s case, is above average at Exeter. The word “destiny” came up only because of the surprise acceptance. In no way did we think that this was a sure thing going into M10.
soxmom - We would trade happiness over “success.” We think that he would be happier at Exeter but maybe more “successful” going from Peddie in the short term.
I’ll let you know what happens after revisit. Spring Break is in New England and NJ this year.
To address the college process that several posters wrote about: Bruce Breimer who for 37 years was the college placement head of the famed Collegiate School in NYC, and who is now a consultant, always said that with everything being equal it does not pay for a kid to attend a high school in order to be the bigger fish in a smaller pond. As a matter of fact, he was extremely emphatic on this point. He was very serious in making sure that the kids went to the highest academically minded school that they could.I don’t want to denigrade Peddie, it works for some, but it is not even close to Exeter in academics. In terms of a 13/14 year old driving their own boat - we as adults sometimes can’t see the bigger picture, let alone young teens. I think its very important to help steer your child into a school that you honestly believe would be better for him.
In terms of the above poster comparing his decision of Andover vs Lawrenceville, that is not the same as Exeter vs. Peddie.
I think you are denigrating Peddie here. Peddie’s academics are on par with Exeter’s. Perhaps not right next to each other, but definitely in the same ballpark.
I’m not necessarily advocating for one school or another. I’m merely of the opinion that the child, knowing what kind of environment he might enjoy the most, should come to the decision of which school to attend. If that’s Peddie, great. If that’s Exeter, wonderful.
Well, that’s one college placement person’s view, but certainly not everyone’s. Look, it’s all a matter of degree. Certainly you wouldn’t advise an academically talented kid to “tank” it and attend a school that no one’s ever heard of just so that they end up valedictorian of his or her class. But that’s a long way from choosing between two schools that have fairly similar academics from a substantive point (i.e., they’re teaching pretty much the same material in pretty much the same way to kids who are – at least relatively speaking – pretty close to each other in terms of smarts). I would say that the difference between an Exeter and a Peddie is not so much in substance of academics but rather in prestige and atmosphere (meaning how pressure-filled are the academics). I think it’s perfectly reasonable to assume that a student who might do perfectly well at Exeter (meaning perhaps not in the top quartile of grades, but also not in the bottom quartile) could also be academically challenged at a school like Peddie. Note that I’m talking here about “regular” students, not the truly gifted kid who is going to finish a high school’s entire math curriculum in 9th grade – I prepared to concede that a school like Exeter probably has more ability to offer really specialized classes to the very, very top kids than a school like Peddie can.
To quote Clint Eastwood In Unforgiven, “Deserve has got nothing to do with it.” The concept of “deserve” does not seem to have much relevance when you are talking about prep school admissions. I have two kids at an “acronym” prep school. Their peers were admitted for all sorts of reasons: legacies, wealthy parents, unrepresented zip codes, economic diversity, racial diversity, sports prowess. If this is your oldest child, you may be shocked that the kids at Exeter are not there simply because of “smarts.” So from that perspective, your son should feel very comfortable that he got in “fair and square.”
that being said, it is highly probably that your son may find himself in the middle or bottom of the class. Welcome to boarding school - where everyone is a superstar in middle school, but now someone has to be th meddle or bottom. In the top schools, the reward is this: while your child may no longer be the top student, the education they receive will be so exceptional that you will no longer worry about college because you will be so thrilled with the education he or she has received.
Usually I lurk and don’t post, so while I wanted to give you a thoughtful response I alsp wanted to say one more thing: do you have any idea how lucky you are to have these kind of choices? I’m not going to go so far as to call you insensitive to others not in your position, but maybe…naive. To have a child accepted to both schools, let alone have the ability to send him (whether through personal wealth or generous FA) is to have won the lottery.
Thanks @quonnie. I absolutely recognize the fact that we are very lucky. I don’t think that I am insensitive or naive - I have a legitimate question that was asked in a respectful way. I have constantly been surprised at how valuable CC is as a resource during this whole process - there is nothing like it. The information I received here is way better than the generic advice and link to the boardingschools.com site that I got from our principal. So, naturally, when faced with this new issue, I turned to the source that has helped me the most. Granted, I might need to filter through some snarky responses and overly judgmental comments that could only be said under the protection of anonymity, but it is an interesting phenomenon that I have observed on this forum - it is very helpful. I am extremely appreciative of the thoughtful PMs I received. Thank you very much - you know who you are.
Somehow this discussion has evolved into an “Exeter vs. Peddie” conversation. What this really is about is the sudden departure from a hypothetical plan to attend Exeter if he were lucky enough to get in. I am interested in knowing about the best way to deal with the psychology of the adolescent after the unthinkable occurs - he actually got into his “dream” school, only to be faced with self doubt and I think this “imposter syndrome.” Don’t get me wrong, the suggestions I have received have been very helpful in allowing me to think this through and also to not raise anxiety at home. A wrong move would be to take the hardline - “We are paying for Exeter but not Peddie.” I need for him to know that he does indeed deserve to be at Exeter and can do well there. If he truly believes this and still wants to consider Peddie, then this is a different story. I don’t think he wants to go to Peddie over Exeter - I think that he is afraid to go to Exeter, the very thing he hoped for this whole time.
I am hoping that a revisit will bring out the answer.
Is it possible that during the application process he thought Exeter was his dream school because he thought it was a long shot and he wouldn’t get in? Or that he thought (perhaps subconsciously) that it was supposed to be his dream school because it was what his parents wanted? Please know that I’m not criticizing, I’m just exploring other possibilities about the adolescent psychology going on here.
I will never know if the only reason I got into Solebury was because we have a family friend who’s a big donor, but it doesn’t matter.
If your S thinks he doesn’t “deserve” Exeter, and that he only got in because he’s a legacy… well, that’s how the system works. You take it or you leave it.
I 've been on the fence about your original post–and I would still never send a kid to Exeter who didn’t feel enthusiastic about going there–but I have to say that the list of EC’s that your kid would be interested in made him sound like such a typical Exonian that I had to smile. I think his mother is probably right, and I’m sure if I asked my kid, he would say that he had lots of friends who did great at Exeter who weren’t as academically driven/brilliant as some others at the school. Not that my son didn’t appreciate the “math geniuses” as he called them his prep year when he needed help with his homework!
And he sounds like he’s a great size for crew (check out the profiles of last year’s boys U.S. National Team, a team that included an Exonian.) That said, if your son already enjoys baseball, there’s no compelling reason to switch to rowing.
Thanks @classicalmama. He has not been exposed to crew and he is not married to baseball. It is a little tricky because I am not so sure he can switch mid-season next year if he doesn’t like it.
He is an Exonian. I will spare you from the process we took to get to a list of 10 schools applied to. But each was felt to be a reflection of some of the things that he liked about Exeter and his experience there over the summer.
Specific boarding school conversation is down to a minimum right now, although we are looking at time management apps, and I am talking to him about the fall in general. “Do you think you want your bike?” “What do you think about squash as a winter sport?” stuff like that. There is a general sense that he will be going to Exeter, knowing that the final decision is his after the revisit. The March 11 hesitation that scared all of us is generally perceived as cold feet and some concern about academic success on his part. He has had unwavering desire to be back at Exeter throughout the whole process - he wept with joy when he found out that he got in, a reaction that was not seen with any other acceptance. I just think that when the reality hit on M11 (after all the decisions came in), he took pause. I really think that the fact he was wait-listed/rejected from Exeter-like schools (in terms of admissions - L’ville, Deerfield, Andover, Choate) hit his self-confidence. If he was accepted at all schools that he applied to, which of course is unrealistic, then he would still be over the moon excited to go to Exeter.
It is just an interesting psychological reaction where a kid might look to be the big fish in the small pond possibility and shy away from the big pond. I think that as parents, we need to guide them to recognize their feelings and give them mechanisms to cope with them. I am glad he came to us with it, instead of keeping it to himself.
@mrnephew - Agree. If just looking at SAT scores (because I don’t have access to other statistics), the top 25% of Peddie is at the level of the top 50% of Exeter. Meaning that it might not be as easy to distinguish yourself at Peddie anyway. Being “average” at Exeter might mean being “above average” at Peddie, and certainly not in the top 10%.
@twinsmama We are seeing Exeter first and planning on the Peddie trip only if it is still needed. The likelihood of this happening is going down as time goes on.
@heartburner, I know firsthand from the groove marks on my own tongue how difficult it is to refrain from talking about the fall, but as best you can, my advice is to go cold turkey and stop… not just about BS, but everything to do with it. You are being thoughtful, I know, in letting your son steer vacation choices this summer, but such moves and all the soft discussion of what to pack or not pack sets expectations that can layer on unintended pressure. It sends a message that mom and dad see boarding school as a Big Deal… and of course it is in many respects. But, since a 14 year old is already likely to see boarding school as a whopping change, anything we parents can do to put things in lower case, to create a sense of normalcy, to let them know that it’s just high school at the end of the day, is a giant de-stressor. It gives them more wiggle room to feel it out on their own without the weight of expectations or the fear of disappointing people they love. It also helps younger sibs manage as well… since those kiddos have big ears and are plenty smart. And they’ll pick up on the messaging. Just my two tiny cents from having been through the process with K1 and K2 about to set sail. Have a great, goofy time skiing.
Thanks Mussels. This is our first time around and there was a lot of build up. It was/is a really really big deal in our house. It’s taking time to get back to normal. With all the research and planning from last year, I can’t remember when BS was not a major topic of conversation at dinner and in the car. I agree - time to move on and enjoy life together.
Ski Trip pushed off until tomorrow! Didn’t realize we had committed to local Daughter activities. I am now sitting in a car waiting for her …
So sorry that you took my post to be “snarky” @heartburner. Having been through this process twice, I am perhaps more jaded than I once was but here’s the thing: you know what you want to do. You want your kid to go to the more prestigious school. And guess what - that’s ok! I made a similar calculation for both my kids and it worked out well. We all want the “best” for our kids, and in our competitve society that often translates into the “name” school (if you don’t believe me, how many kids turn down Stanford or Harvard - not many). While many parents choose lower-ranked schools based on fit, from your original post - and maybe I read this wrong - you seemed to be ranking schools based on perceived prestige. As such, Peddie was your backup- and while it is an amazing school, I highly doubt you would have this level of angst if he was choosing between Exeter and, let’s say, Deerfield.
Furthermore - your son has no idea what is right for him now - he’s 13. When I ask my oldest - now 17 - why he picked his school, he says “mom, I was 13, I had no idea.” I have heard of kids picking their school based on such superficial factors as the quality of the food, whether their tour guide was cool, etc. At the end of the day, it’s high school, and you as his dad are in the best position to decide what is the right fit. One day he will thank you as a parent for stepping in and making the best choice you can for him.
And FWIW - when I congratulated you on your good fortune, I was being sincere. My brother right now is agonizing because he cannot afford to send his children to the private school he and I attended. At $55,000/year, anyone who can afford Exeter should count their blessings.
