College Choices: Staying close to home

Parents Forum
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<p>I have observed with my S that as a new experience becomes more imminent, his apprehensions become more apparent (to me, if not to him). This might have been something as mundane as being on the way to his first soccer practice in grade school ("I don't want to go.") Almost all of us have worries about the unknown. College itself is such a big unknown for our S/D, from the academic side of it, to the roommate adjustment, to being on their own for the first time...</p>

<p>Where kids have created an option for themselves of close to home vs not close to home, I wonder if they are consciously or unconsiously just trying to control the only part of the apprehension which they can at this point?</p>

<p>Were it me (which it won't be as S has no "close" choices) and I felt that this fear of the unknown was the real factor, I would push very hard for S/D to work through that rather than succumb. Just one person's approach.</p>

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<p>For a hot second, my daughter teased me with the thought of going to school close to home; we could have dinner once a week, meet to shop etc, etc. Then she said that NYC will always be her home and se welcomed a slower change of pace. She is having such a great time that her dorm had a weekend trip to NYC that cost $50 (cost of hotel included) and she wouldn't come down because they were doing the 'tourist stuff" and she wouldn't be able to go shopping like she could if she came home on her own. I told her, "you didn't do the toursit stuff when you live here, so it would have been a good change of pace". (mind you she hasn't been home since Christmas and told me all of this after the fact). Bu they, she is having the time of her life and loves N.H.</p>

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<p>Perhaps it's a matter of priorites. My daughter at first wanted to go far, far away. The more exotic the better! It took one long drive to Elon in North Carolina and to experience how different that was for her to see that just getting away from home would do. Her college is unique in that it is the only one of our religon in the world so they attract students from all over the world. One of her good friends is from India, one from England. Only 6% are from the state where the college is! The college itself is not all that different curriculum-wise but the students make it an experience that she would not be able to get anywhere else. Her priority changed to diverseness instead of distance. The funny thing was that when she arrived as a freshman on campus, she knew at least a dozen kids from meeting them at her Christian camp over the summers!</p>

<p>I think that you can get a broad world view experience if you have a student body that is made up of many out of state and international students. A bonus if you can find this in your home state is that child will be bringing his out of state friends home on short breaks.</p>

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<p>It probably boils down to tradition. More East coast families have gone away to school. Everyone else stayed put?</p>

<p>Digs, your son is, at most, a 2.5 hour flight + 2.0 layover away. 4.5 hours. Not horrible.</p>

<p>He'll be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and summers. In-state parents might see their kids for one or two more weekends than that but do those kids hang around the house when they are home or are they out on the town? Anyway, don't fret! His hometown location will always be a drawing card.</p>

<p>I've been on all sides of this issue, as the student who went far away over parental fears ond obstacles; as the parent who--having taught her boys to love travel ond overseas living-- will be booking long haul tickets to kingdom come in order to spend time with grandchildren. </p>

<p>Hopefully CC has tolerance for both camps, (hint hint mamochka).</p>

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<p>This is definitely an individual situation requiring an individual solution.</p>

<p>I have the opposite siutation when compared to Digi's. In our area, the norm is to go away. Very few kids stay in Philadelphia for school. Most of my son's HS friends will go to New England to attend LACs....many others will attend Ivies....and a fair amount will attend Chicago, Michigan, etc. My son has gone against that grain in that he has decided to stay close to home and attend Penn, which 8 miles away. </p>

<p>There are situations that warrant a change of scenery..such as what Berurah described in her community (racism, homophobia, etc). Also, for kids who seem reluctant to expand their horizons, a kick in the pants is probably best. </p>

<p>Kids can expand their horizons is a multitude of ways. Perhaps a student from a very small, nurturing HS will want to try a large research university. Or, maybe the student form the large public HS will want to try a small LAC. Maybe the urban student will want to head out the rolling countryside...or vice versa. All of this can be accomplished close to home. </p>

<p>My own S has always attended very small private schools. He will graduate with a class of less than 90. His classes are seminar style.....often taught around tables - no desks. Teachers are referred to by their fist names. Parent meetings are held in the homes of various parents...with everyone bringing food (potluck)....report cards are done in a narrative style...with each teacher having their own page. Ok, so in the fall, he'll be off to Penn....a large research U with 10K students - with more than 80% of the students hailing from out of state - and a very large number of Int'l students. We rode by Penn a few weeks ago and son said "wow, you know your school is big when the dorms are skyscrapers". I said "yeah, your school is pretty big...you might be in for some culture shock"....and I meant it. This is going to be very different. He's going to have to learn to make himself visible...and handle his business independently. </p>

<p>For some on this board (and I value everyone's opinion), the changes my son will encounter next fall aren't enough. Some feel that he needs to place a certain number of miles between our home and his school in order to broaden his horizons....even if said school is in the middle of nowhere and there isn't a spot of culture for 50 miles. I disagree.</p>

<p>Many kids have a good sense of what they want...and what they need. If a kid doesn't want to attend a school in the middle of nowhere because they <em>think</em> they need a more urban environment, why deny them their wishes because we <em>think</em> otherwise for them?</p>

<p>We sit on this forum and discuss how great our kids are, how smart, how enlightened, how talented...and we expect them to create their own college list, visit schools, talk to professors, attend classes, file their apps, write thank you notes, interview, etc, etc, etc....</p>

<p>And then we lay down the law about how far they need to go (as if they don't have the ability to figure this part out)???? </p>

<p>I trust that my S is capable of expanding his horizons at a pace that is right for him. Others may want to second-guess such decisions. I'm just not sure why.</p>

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<p>Can't resist a story. My wife observed this while my son was being dropped off for O-week at Chicago. We were all waiting in one of those lines to sign up for something or other. My wife overheard two young women -- members of the first-year class -- talking to one another. One of them looked carefully at the big line of people, then turned to her friend who evidently was from the same highschool, and exclaimed, "Isn't it wonderful?!! Nobody knows us here!!!"</p>

<p>Now that's the mentality that I think my own kids shared. They wanted college to be an adventure, something new, a chance to be somebody other than what they were in high school.</p>

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<p>Momsdream, I agree with all you have said.</p>

<p>My kid <em>needed</em> the kick in the pants. There was a way-too-old-for-her local boy issue, a fear-of-the-unknown issue, a want-to-hang-on-to-familiar issue all wrapped together. </p>

<p>It was clear to us that this was a temporary problem-- a cart on wheels "hitching" momentarily as it goes over a threshold-- mostly because we've seen the same "hitch" preceed so many other milestone developments.</p>

<p>In the end she decided to apply ED to a far away school, because she'd gotten over the threshold emotionally by then. Now she is elated, anticipating this school.</p>

<p>My son is a much more confident, "out there" kid who I feel probably wouldn't need any kicks. I'll encourage him to explore all options-- but if he chose Calif it wouldn't be for the wrong reasons.</p>

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<p>Momsdream--I get your point (after all I live within shouting distance of a number of fine schools--Stanford, Berkeley, and others, and understand that many don't see any need to leave the area with the choices they have in their own backyard), but hey, don't be so quick to knock those schools in the middle of nowhere--"not a spot of culture for 50 miles." The thing about some of these little schools is that they work very hard to bring culture to the campus--string quartets, operas, bands, plays, art exhibitions. Most of them have study abroad opportunities, or touring opportunities for their sports teams and music groups. Course if your definition of culture means you have to be in a big city, then of course, the little LAC's in the middle of nowhere can't compare. To each his own.</p>

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<p>Our D1 has always been strong-willed; she pulled out a map of the US, and emphatically declared that she wanted to be at <em>least</em> two states away from home, for her undergrad education. She made good - wound up in New Hampshire, which qualifies as being sufficiently far away from Chicago.</p>

<p>D2 wound up 5 hours away, just across the border in St. Louis. She can catch a train home (and does, on occasion). Far enough away that we can't keep showing up unexpectedly on her premises, close enough that we are mutually reachable by car/train. I think I like it better.</p>

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<p>My 13 year old who has her heart set on a New England boarding school stood at our front door and cried at 18 months when her sibs left for school saying "I want go to cool too." I had to find a preschool that would take her to keep the peace. At 7 she insisted upon going to sleep away camp like the older kids. I signed her uip for 2 weeks, sure she'd want to come home. She called the third day and asked to stay the whole summer. </p>

<p>This is a child who wants to hang glide, fly planes, sjy dive and is a maniac on skis. She has the Peterson book of summer programs with mostly those in Africa circled.</p>

<p>After the E Coast high school, we're think Europe or Asia will be her college choice. Maybe by the time she's old enough there will be grad schools in outer space.</p>

<p>Her oldest sib never wanted to leave home. 4 was a struggle at school. Hated camp. Summer at home was his idea of fun.</p>

<p>I think they're born, not made!</p>

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<p>Kirmum, your D & my S would love each other. Too bad my son is 7.</p>

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<p>Well I don't know SBmom, I'm about to marry a man 5 years younger! Let's talk..It's hard to find a good man!</p>

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<p>I suspect .01% of the population have the ENERGY to keep up with this kid, and you D seems like his energy clone...</p>

<p>Right now he is desperately searching for a friend-- any friend-- who is brave enough to sleep over at our house. For some reason, there is not another 2nd grader who does overnights (though they will host him!) His first slept at a friend's when he was just shy of THREE. Not a backward glance!</p>

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<p>I so relate. Daughter has just wanted to do everything before her peers. Early sleep overs usually involved a friend who cried to go home around midnight. All of her friends are wide eyed at her desire to go East for high school. Get ready!</p>

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<p>I think they're born, not made!</p>

<p>Exactly!! Thus, it doesn't matter where they decide to go.</p>

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<p>My S has absorbed the culture of his prep school that one must leave the area, the state, even; it seems he thinks he will disappoint people, teachers especially, if he stays here. He has two really good financial safeties in our home state. I have been hoping to convince him that if he chooses one or the other, we will have the financial means to provide opportunities to travel in the summer, he would not have to work, could do enrichment programs, etc. Those would be most certainly impossible if he chooses to go to the other places on his list, assuming he gets in any of them. I do think the ethos of the school has a great deal to do with the way the kids perceive college choices. Sometimes the prevailing culture is NOT what works best for the family or for the kid, whether it is to go or to stay.</p>

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<p>Rethinking my post, maybe it is not the school culture as a whole, but the way S perceives it for him that is making a difference. They do try hard to help the kids find a good fit.</p>

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<p>JMMOM, my daughter is so like that. She has always been the one that wants to do something and when it gets to be time to do it the "I don't wannas" start. After she gets over the initial experience, she is fine. But that apprehension is always there at first.</p>

<p>Getting her off to a university will be very challenging, no matter where it is located....</p>

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<p>Dig-</p>

<p>My experience was just the opposite of what you describe. My s., and most of his friends, scattered all over the country for college. We live in the SE, and unfortunately the concentration of strong schools here is not what you have in the NE or in Calif. Of the 37 Summa Cum Laude grads from his HS, only 5 stayed in state. There are significant financial incentives to stay in state, but it seems that my s's friends focused more on the best fit for their individual goals, which seemed, for the mostpart, to be elsewhere. </p>

<p>This held somewhat less true for his public school friends. While a few more did stay closer to home, still most of his friends left the area. I don't think it was merely a matter of finances. </p>

<p>It is hard to say what would have happened if we lived in CA or the NE. I suspect things might have been different. And while I am sorry that he doesn't come home on occasional weekends to do his laundry, I am happy that he is happy with his choice. Neither he nor most of his friends made geography a significant variable in the equation.</p>

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<p>My son cannot wait to go. It appeared as though he drew a 2 hour travel radius circle around our house and refused to consider any school within that circle. I made him apply to the state u as they had an interesting program that I knew would accept him, and if things did not work out and he got into trouble, the option of staying home would be there and at a bargain basement price. It was a nice safety to have. </p>

<p>I was scared my older son would transfer to a local school. We lived near NYC at that time and he was increasingly enjoying his times at home over his life at school. He would hang out with kids going to the local colleges that were having an easier time academically at college. They had jobs, time to play, cars, money and NYC life is great for those that age . Always something to do. The city that never sleeps. I would bet he was tempted but too lazy, no momentum to get a transfer started. When we moved, I figured that he would not want to stay at home after graduation, as we were no longer in the area of his old highschool or highschool chums, but he made himself at home real fast, and we ended up having to give him the boot. Funny, because he always swore he was not coming home. Too oppresive, too uncool, but when he did come home from graduation, he decided he like it here just fine.</p>