<p>hey guys, here is my common app college essay. i would really appreciate it if you guys can just briefly skim over and leave some feedbacks or criticisms on how to make it better. Here is the essay question and my essay! Thanks!</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Evaluate a significant risk you have taken or ethical dilemma you have faced and discuss its impact on you.</p>
<p>I remembered seeing my father for the first time as he was strolling his luggage in my direction. My eyes were fixed onto the mans face. Right after his eyes locked on to mine, my father instantly let go of his luggage and rushed towards me; he held me up and hugged me tightly for the longest time.
Having lived for 8 years without a father, I had to adjust to the fact that this man was my father. I didnt know what it was like to have a father since my mother had raised me for my whole life. At first, I didnt feel comfortable around him; I stayed close to my mother and followed her around everywhere she went. I would also sleep next to my mother rather than in between both my parents.
As time went by, I began to develop a bond with my father. He would take me out to the park and flew kites with me. We would also play badminton in the park and afterward, he would buy me cotton candies. For the first time, I learned and experienced what it was like to be loved by two people instead of just one.
However, right when our bond became joyously close, it was time for him to return back to New York, leaving me behind without a dad again. I felt depressed and gloomy because the man who used to be a stranger to me and became my father was now leaving me again. It was as if one minute, life seemed perfect and everything was going to plan and the next minute, everything shattered apart and all hopes were lost. That was how I felt when my father was preparing to line up for the security check at the airport. Before he left, he hugged me and said Even though I only saw you for a month, you are the most important thing to me. I am sorry that I wasnt able to see you growing up and I know how sad it is growing up without a father around you. However, dont forget that the next time we meet, I will be forever by your side until the very end of the road. A decade has passed; still to this day, I can recite the exact words he said to me 10 years ago without hesitation.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>It is indeed a very moving essay, but is it a risk you have taken or an ethical dilemma?</p>
<p>EDIT: Oh wait, I just looked over the prompt again, and it also includes experiences, so I guess you are writing about the experience.</p>
<p>My bad… </p>
<p>If this is the case: What was its impact on you? You left me hanging…</p>
<p>Are you sad? Are you angry? (Kind of get the feeling you are unhappy, because your father left you hanging)</p>
<p>thanks for the reply bumbulbi! i was wondering if my essay is consider to be an ethical dilemna? since i talked about the hardship i faced, living without a dad while the other children around me grew up with one… would u consider this to be an ethical dilemma? i guess i have to talk more about my feelings since this essay is about me rather than emphasizing on the actual event. what other advices can you or anyone give me? thankss!</p>
<p>It can be condensed by using slightly more advanced vocab, and I agree that it leaves you hanging. I’m also not even sure if you have seen your dad again. Also maybe end it with the quote? It’s definitely submitable - just focus more on it’s impact on you.</p>
<p>thanks for the quick reply! but would you consider this essay to be an ethical dilemma? i dont want to continue this essay and in the end realize that my essay is irrelevant to the prompt its asking lol</p>
<p>I like the essay, don’t get me wrong here, but I don’t think it is an ethical dilemma.</p>
<p>An ethical dilemma is a situation wherein moral precepts or ethical obligations conflict in such a way that any possible resolution to the dilemma is morally intolerable. In other words, an ethical dilemma is any situation in which guiding moral principles cannot determine which course of action is right or wrong.</p>
<p>Or another way to define an ethical dilemma is: That you are caught between two possible choices in a situation where both could be considered “ethical” (right or moral choices) but the goodness of one cancels out the other.</p>
<p>Here’s an example:</p>
<p>You are an inmate in a concentration camp. A sadistic guard is about to hang your son who tried to escape and wants you to pull the chair from underneath him. He says that if you don’t he will not only kill your son but some other innocent inmate as well. You don’t have any doubt that he means what he says.</p>
<p>Another well-known and frequently discussed example of an ethical dilemma was offered by Jean-Paul Sartre. Sartre asks us to imagine a young man who lives with his mother; he is her only happiness in life. But the young man lives in occupied France during World War II and feels obliged to fight in the war. What does the young man do?</p>
<p>Another dilemma is a situation in which three family members are being held captive. The captives give one the choice of which one of the other two will die. If there is no choice, they all will be killed.</p>
<p>Hope all of this helps.</p>
<p>I don’t think that it’s and ethical dilemma, however you can just select “Topic of your choice.” It can also definitely be considered an “experience” as mentioned in the first prompt. Or you could do “Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.”</p>
<p>Tighten the end. Either lose the last sentence, or add something to the effect of, “so began a journey of …”, etc.</p>
<p>This is the exact prompt as taken from the commonapp:</p>
<p>Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.</p>
<p>You wrote about a significant experience that clearly has had an impact on you (and that is perfectly acceptable), so elaborate more on HOW it impacted you (besides leaving us and you hanging). What did you do afterwards? How do you feel about it now? What are you going to do about it?</p>
<p>Hope this helps! :D</p>
<p>Guys heres the editted version! if you guys dont mind reading this and give me back opinions of if i improved from my last draft and what other changes i should make! thanks</p>
<p>I remembered seeing my father for the first time as he was strolling his luggage in my direction. I was waiting eagerly in the Shanghai airport along with my mother. The instance his eyes locked on to mine, my father lets go of his luggage and rushed towards me; he held me up and hugged me tightly for the longest time.
Having lived for 8 years without a father, my mother was the only person who would always be there for me. I often felt a sense of separation between me and my peers. For example, during parent teacher conference, the other children would show up with both their parent while I was the only one who showed up with just my mother. Seeing other kids holding hands with their parents often made me feel curious and jealous at the same time. I always held my mother with one hand, feeling the warmness of her hand but my other hand would be left cold and unoccupied. It was as if a part of me was missing.
Now that I finally found the missing puzzle I had been searching for, things didnt turn out to be what I had expected at first. Initially, I felt uncomfortable and awkward around my father. I would avoid eye contacts with him and I tried to stay close to my mother as much as possible; following her around everywhere she went. During bedtime, I would sleep next to my mother rather than in between both my parents. As time went by, I began to develop a bond with my father. He would take me out to the park and flew kites with me. Afterwards, he would buy me cotton candies. For the first time, I learned and experienced what it was like to be loved by two people instead of just one.
However, right when our bond became joyously close, it was time for him to return back to New York, leaving me behind without a dad again. I felt depressed and gloomy because the man who used to be a stranger to me and became my father was now leaving me again. It was as if one minute, life seemed perfect and everything was going to plan and the next minute, everything shattered apart and all hopes were lost. That was how I felt when my father was preparing to line up for the security check at the airport. Before he left, he hugged me and said Even though I only saw you for a month, you are the most important thing to me. I am sorry that I wasnt able to see you growing up and I know how sad it is growing up without a father around you. However, dont forget that the next time we meet, I will be forever by your side until the very end of the road.
A year later, my mother and I left China for New York and this time, I was able to see my father for good. My relationship with my father continues to develop day by day, though still not as strong as my relationship with my mother; however, I believe that one day our bond would be unbreakable and everlasting despite the rough start.</p>
<p>dragonhurry: The story you tell is quite touching, however, the problem is that we ‘the reader’ don’t really get to know you. We understand your background, but we don’t really get to know who you are. This story doesn’t tell us how you dealt with the absence of your father. How does this experience shape ‘you’. How has it made you the dynamic and unique individual that you are today? I don’t know if you’re stronger for it. Or, if you have special bonds with other male figures in your life due to the absence of your father. Or if due to this absence you have tried to become a role model of others, etc. </p>
<p>What you tell is a story but what they want is insight into who you are and what makes you special. At the end of any of these common app essays the reader should know something about your personality. At the end of this story I don’t know if your strong-willed, level headed, persistent, a leader, empathetic, daring, tenacious, type A personality, laid back, eager etc etc etc. I could list hundreds of adjectives. But you need to pick a few of your own and use them in your essay so that when you’re done with it I, the reader, know who you are. Use your experience of growing up without a father to explain why you are a leader, persistent, laid back, cunning etc etc etc.</p>
<p>Hope this helps</p>
<p>^ Well said.</p>
<p>I don’t get the intimate details of YOU. I only get the “big picture”</p>
<p>Ok, so you have a growing bond with your father. However, what does this do to you? What do you feel NOW? I want to know something more detailed.</p>
<p>But, as I said before, this is moving. You only need to transcribe it more so we know you.</p>
<p>Right now, I feel like I can form a shadow of you and your personality, but if I were to meet you, I’d still be 50/50 as to who you are and what you’re like.</p>
<p>Now, I want you to make me feel like we are meeting face to face, and after this meeting, I can fully know who you are as a person. Only, you do it in writing ;)</p>
<p>You need to really think about who you are from THIS experience. You gave us the background, now tell us about you!</p>
<p>Touching, but it’s 90% summary. Colleges want to see an impact, not 3 lines explaining the 20 line summary. Needs work, and a lot of it. Good thing it’s not due soon, oh wait…</p>
<p>I would recommend going to the library and getting out a book on ‘sample college essays’ or google it. That way you can see what we are saying.</p>
<p>OP, are you trying to meet SCEA deadlines? O_O</p>