<p>I'm applying to UMASS via the common app and you can write about any topic. I chose to write about my passion for tennis. Please critique my essay and tell me how I can improve! I am very passionate the subject but I had trouble expressing my passion in less than 500 words.</p>
<pre><code>It was a hot day in the middle of May and I had just quit swimming for the YMCA swim team that year so I had nothing to do over the summer. My dad asked me if I wanted to play tennis and I said sure. Little did I know that that was the day my life changed.I did not think much of it at the time; I was just glad to be doing something else rather than swimming. My previous tennis experience was that of bitter disappointment. I was seven at the time and every time I tried to hit the ball I missed. Not only was my cousin getting annoyed with me but I was also getting very frustrated myself. However, when I picked up a tennis racket eight years later I knew things would change. That very day my dad and I went to the courts to hit and boy was it a drastic change from my first experience. I hit most of the balls back and was able to withstand my dad's shots. At the end of that very day I already made up my mind that I was going to try out for the tennis team next year. I knew it was going to be an arduous task since I would only have about 11 months before tryouts started and I had just started playing a sport others have been playing for over 10 years.
From that day onward, I have worked effortlessly to improve my tennis game. I would go to the tennis courts with my dad to hit whenever possible and often we would be there for over two hours. Sometimes we even went everyday of the week; it just never got boring. Whenever my dad could not hit I would hit against our garage door by myself for hours at a time. And when I was not hitting I would be watching tennis instructional videos and see how I can improve. It was all a very demanding process which meant that I did not have much leisure time anymore. Instead of playing video games or watching tv, I would be hitting in my garage or watching tennis videos.
As it turns out, I did make the tennis year the following year. However, what I take most out of this experience(or my passion about tennis) is not how good of a tennis player I become; it's how to establish my goals and work hard and persevere in order to achieve them. At the end of the day, it does not matter how good a tennis player I am, but the hard work and determination I put into tennis will serve me well because in the future I will be able to use these same traits in order to achieve other goals such as maximizing my college GPA or working hard at my job.
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<p>First off, you should work on your sentence structure. You start your essay with a clear run on sentence. Your poor grammar usage serves as an annoyance and detracts from your essay. I would suggest that you don’t include the weather in your first sentence because it’s not pertinent to any other part of your essay. Start with something more catchy that will interest the Adcom. Also, you seem to summarize the “lessons learned” in your last paragraph. A good essay does not “tell” but “shows” how you’ve grown through some emphatic message. You should revise your essay so that you won’t even need that last paragraph to get your message across.</p>
<p>I agree with howdoudo. This need a lot of revision. There is a lot of extraneous stuff in this that doesn’t go anywhere and doesn’t add anything to the point. e.g., Why do the details of why you didn’t like tennis when you tried it at 7 matter–particularly given the fact that you didn’t object at all when your Dad offered to take you that first time. </p>
<p>This is supposed to tell them more about you. Other than learning that you spent a lot of time that summer hitting tennis balls with your Dad, I don’t really know much more about what makes you tick. What is it about tennis that ignites your passions and mades you want to work so hard. What made this a life-changing experience and how did it change you. </p>
<p>A few grammatical and usage errors: </p>
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You mean tirelessly. effortlessly means with little effort.</p>
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You mean “every day.” “Everyday” is an adjective meaning ordinary.</p>
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Verb tense need to agree. “to see how I could improve”</p>
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<p>“and boy” is too informal for this essay, and I have no idea what it means to “withstand my dad’s shots.” Is that different from hitting most of them back?</p>
<p>I just revised my essay. If you guys want to check it out and tell me what you think that’d be great!</p>
<p>I just finished revising it. Now it seems more about me and more personal. Thanks a ton for the advice and let me know what you think!</p>
<p>In May, 2010, I decided I wanted to tryout for the tennis team next year. I had always admired tennis from afar but it was really brought to my attention when I attended a tennis match at my high school. I saw how electric the atmosphere was and how intense and focused the players were. It instantly dawned on me that I wanted to be in that spotlight; I wanted to be a part of that team. I knew it was going to be an arduous task since I would only have 11 months before tryouts started and I had just started playing a sport others have been playing for over 10 years. Making the team seemed like a long shot. Yet, I was driven by my desire to be on that court and having everyone cheering for me.
From that day onward, I have worked tirelessly to improve my tennis game. I would go to the tennis courts with my dad to hit whenever possible and often we would be there for over two hours. Sometimes we even went every day of the week; it just never got boring. Whenever my dad could not hit I would hit against our garage door by myself for hours at a time. And when I was not hitting I would be watching tennis instructional videos to see how I could improve. It was all a very demanding process which meant that I did not have much leisure time anymore. Instead of playing video games or watching tv, I would be hitting in my garage or watching tennis videos. However, having less leisure time was not my only obstacle. There would be times when I wondered if this was all worth it. Here I was, in the middle of December all bundled up hitting a tennis a ball against a garage, while my friends were at the movies or inside enjoying their warm, cozy house. What eliminated all these questions and drove me was my desire for being in the spotlight, my desire for making the team. Ultimately, my desire for playing tennis for playing tennis and being in that spotlight compelled me to keep on practicing and working hard.
As it turns out, I did make the tennis year the following year. However, what I take most out of this experience is not how good of a tennis player I become or if I make the team; it’s how to establish my goals and achieve them by working hard and persevering. At the end of the day, it does not matter how good a tennis player I am. What matters more is being able to establish my goals and strive to accomplish them by hard work and perseverance. I have never worked so hard for anything in my life; tennis has taught me that anything is possible with hard work and determination. At first, making the tennis team was a long shot, but then after hard work I was able to accomplish my goal.</p>