Opinions on my UC personal statement essay please?

College Essays
1

<p>I'm applying to the UC schools. (Most likely UCLA, UCSD, and UCI)</p>

<p>PROMPT
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>ESSAY
I basically grew up on the tennis courts that are five minutes away from my apartment. For the most part, I’d practice every afternoon, from 4:30 to 6:45, always taking the rightmost court with the most shade, if no one was there. I’ve been playing the sport since the tender age of five, and now I’m seventeen. That’s more than a decade of practicing forehands and backhands and what not, which is more than I’ve been learning math, or science, or history. The fences that surround those tennis courts outline the world where I come from. </p>

<p>The only problem with my tennis “career” was that I hated it for about three years. From eleven to fourteen years old, I’d plead with my dad each day not to have practice. I resented the tournaments my dad forced me to participate in each weekend and bitterly cried when my dad accused me of not trying when I lost. I felt that tennis was leaving me with too little time for family, friends, and school. I also considered my dad to be stricter about tennis than most parents were. After all, I reached the top 20 in the Southern California ranking for the Girl’s 10’s, 12’s, and 14’s divisions, but he obstinately refrained from praising or giving me a break from practice. </p>

<p>Then during the end of my sophomore year in high school, my dad stopped caring. No more forced practices and no more tournaments. Of course, I was overjoyed with this change in attitude – but only for a few months. It started to feel odd to come home from school and actually sit at my desk and take my time to do homework and watch t.v. Even though I still played tennis with my friends and had practice and games in school, it felt like there was a large piece of my life missing, so I began to take tennis seriously again. I asked my dad to practice with me, I wanted to get better, and surprisingly, I liked tennis. However, my dad had already moved on with his dreams of living vicariously through pushing me to play tennis. His reluctance to continue coaching me left no way back to the competitive state of which I had once played at. Nevertheless, I continued to find ways to practice and today, I am still playing as number one singles for my high school team. Although I have less skill this year, I certainly have more heart.</p>

<p>To me, applying to and attending college is a lot like my tennis life. I may not like spending weeks on merely a 500-word admittance essay or moving away from home, but I am sure that in the end, this enriching opportunity will give me the scholarly satisfaction of knowing that I had the best college education possible to become a doctor or a pharmacist or whatever health profession I may strive for. The fences that surround those tennis courts conclude my senior year and prepare me for my future with college and much more.</p>

<p>Do you think this is a "good" essay? Is it cliche in any way? Is the vocabulary flowery enough? If not, which words should I change? Thank you so much!</p>

2

<p>skip the reference to college admittance, </p>

<p>I liked at the beginning how you started to describe the tennis court. I think you could a little more descriptive there. Let me feel and see the world you are coming from.</p>

<p>You didn’t tell how it shaped your dreams, or what your dreams really were. I think you were trying to, but to me it was mostly like “hey im applying let me in” when it needs to answer the question more. </p>

<p>You tried to be descriptive, but i think you could try harder. Tell me how you felt in deeper meaning, and how your dad felt(or what you think he felt)</p>

<p>Hope this helped.</p>

<p>Next time don’t post your essay up.Ask people to read it.</p>