<p>Hi, This is my first time using this website. I wrote an essay for Bryn Mawr and I just need some good and honest critique. It would be really helpful if you're extremely brutal. I don't really care as long as it's completely honest. Thanks a lot!</p>
<p>So the question is: Please attach an essay of no more than one page telling us what you think you would gain from the educational experience at Bryn Mawr and what you would contribute to the community.</p>
<p>and here it is:</p>
<pre><code>In the summer of my junior year in high school, it was one of those hot and humid summer nights when I just lay in bed, and wished with all I had for sleep to take over. Unfortunately, the more one wishes for it, the less likely it is to happen. So, I just lay in bed thinking. Lying there, I heard someone crying in the room next to mine. The fact that someone was up that late was strange in itself, so I had to get up to inquire. When I walked out of my room, I saw my mom crying over the phone. That was the night when I found out that my aunt, who lives in Pakistan, had contracted cancer. I had basically grown up with my aunt. She was a poor, widowed woman who didnt have enough money to go to the doctors for regular check-ups. At the time, I didnt know much about that disease except for the fact that in my aunts case it was in its last stages. Those days by far were the hardest days for me and my family. Knowing that my aunt had cancer wasnt as difficult to comprehend, as was the fact that there was nothing we could do to prevent the disease from spreading and from taking my aunt away from us. It was almost as though as we knew she was going to die and we were waiting for it to happen. It was a state of complete hopelessness, and I wouldnt wish it for my worst enemy. It was a nightmare, an inescapable reality. It might not have been that exact moment, but soon I decided that I could save other girls from feeling this way. In the poverty-stricken villages of India and Pakistan, I might bring a ray of light.
As a student at Bryn Mawr, I will seek to gain the skills necessary to go out into the world and do something that will change lives. I intend to pursue studies in the field of medicine, which is how I will fulfill the dream of changing the lives of people in poverty-stricken in India and Pakistan. In the Pakistani community, although it is not rare for girls to lead professional lives, it can be extremely difficult. I believe that my educational experience at Bryn Mawr will allow me to become more self-confident as a young Pakistani woman and as part of a diverse community driven towards success. I will contribute to Bryn Mawr through applying insightful thinking, hard work, and an enduring need to make a difference not only in my own life but also in the lives of others. Mahatma Gandhi once said: Be the change you wish to see in the world. I wish to be that change. As a Pakistani girl with high aspirations, I believe Bryn Mawr is the place that I will be able to gain the knowledge and skills that I need to make a contribution to a better world.
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<p>P.S. I also feel like it's tooo short and isn't very "WOW" material you know? I don't know. HELP!!!</p>