<p>I had my mentor for this college mentoring program I attend read over this but I would like some serious constructive criticism of this essay. Please! Any critique would be greatly appreciated!</p>
<p>Here it goes…
The question is: Please attach an essay of no more than one page telling us what you think you would gain from the educational experience at Bryn Mawr and what you wuold contribute to the community.</p>
<p>“I remember the day I found out racism was still alive. It was the first day of eighth grade at Saint Marys Junior-Senior High School, a school I had no choice in attending. The year before, I attended Breed Middle School and while there, a girl attacked me from behind I defended myself by fighting back. After going through juvenile court, I was sentenced to community service, and my parents immediately put me in private school because they believed it would be better for my safety. On that first day, I sat at a lunch table with two other African-American young girls, and one Caucasian girl I had met that day. We sat at lunch exchanging information about ourselves since we were all newcomers to the school. A teacher walked over at our table, looked at the Caucasian girl and asked her Why are you sitting with these colored girls? I was so shocked that I kicked my newfound friend causing her to yelp. When the teacher realized our apparent shock to what she had said, she smiled and walked away. Although she was fired, it still broke my heart to hear someone call me colored. I felt as if I were not given the opportunity to separate myself from the word. In the back of my mind my initial response would be to react physically, but then I thought about the conditions in which I had entered the school and refrained. That day was the pivotal moment in changing my perception of the word diversity. Throughout my four years of high school, I became used to being the only person of color in all my classes. I was also used to the stares I would receive when we were reading a book that had the “n” word in it. Diversity to me was always defined as the differences that can be physically seen. After reading the Work In Progress exposé on diversity at Bryn Mawr College I am now enticed to find a new meaning to diversity. As diversity is a work in progress at Bryn Mawr College; my understanding of diversity beyond appearance is also a work in progress. Just as Raymond Albert said, “each day reminds me that color matters” while describing his experiences in the South. This is also true for how I feel when I walk down the halls of my high school. I want to fully understand the meaning of diversity without limiting its definition to race. Because of my experiences at St. Marys with racism, my motivation in life has now become to exceed the boundaries that are put against me; whether it is as a woman, or an African-American. I feel Bryn Mawr College will give me the ability to value diversity in its naked form. I will contribute to the college my experience as a Haitian raised young woman in the heart of the culturally stimulating city of Lynn. I have had the opportunity to make positive changes in my city and I plan to make an impact on the lives of young women in the Bryn Mawr community as well. If I were to attend Bryn Mawr College, I will establish a group that is similar to the youth city council in my city, so that youth will be more inclined to make positive changes in the Bryn Mawr community. I will bring intellectual excitement and a deep curiosity of the sciences when I participate in hands-on laboratory experience and engage in research with my professors. In addition to these, I will gain perspective of the sisterhood environment and benefits of an all-womens college. Most of all, Bryn Mawr College will fulfill my desire of wanting to be surrounded by women whom are empowered to exceed boundaries of self-doubt in preparation for becoming strong and effective leaders of the future.”</p>
<p>(p.s. I realize it is very long, but I promise to chance or reply to anybody else’s threads that read this, Thank you soo much!!)</p>
<p>I also promised myself not to do this, but am curious of the responses I would get : )</p>