I don’t think there is really any risk to a deferral, as long as he doesn’t hide at home all year. I have a few ideas around that. I’m a lot more worried about his mental health at college away - possible loneliness, recurrence of depression (meds management will be an issue) - than about his EF. As his depression cleared, his EF slowly improved. It’s the fact that he finds such comfort in the familiar and in his routine that I know it will be a huge upheaval to live in a dorm. He knows it too. Yet on some level he views this as his chance to reinvent himself. Am I hopelessly naïve to go along with that?
If it doesn’t go well, he could come home and go to school here. Yet I am mindful of the statements by missypie and others noting how devastating it was for their sons to be sent packing.
If he takes a year’s deferral, what will he be doing?Will he be establishing new routines at his own pace? Leaving the house every day or nearly every day? Will he volunteer, and if not, will he able to find and keep a job?How often will he socialize with people outside of his immediate family IRL?
He would take one or two upper level math courses, for credit, as a non-degree student at the local university. Which will keep his brain working, get him out of the house, and get him acclimated to college work. Surprisingly and to my great relief, the college he wants to attend has indicated it will likely approve this plan without it endangering his freshman status.
It’s just… do I force him to defer. Do I tell him no, you are not ready to go away this fall, so it’s either defer to the LAC or matriculate to the university nearby that you are “meh” about, so you can live at home.
I don’t think forcing him to defer would work, but perhaps you could put together a plan that he might find enticing, involving an internship or volunteer work, or a chance to learn or practice recreational skills (such as a sport or two) that might help him socialize if/when he is ready to go away. Or find something unique about the local university that he might like, that could not be easily duplicated at the other school.
Has he talked with professors at the local university? Spent a night in the dorm at either school?
Sometimes parents around here have students who are not ready to go away matriculate into a local school and get a dorm room there, with the option of commuting from home if dorm living proves too stressful. Lots of students also return home from other schools to finish up at the local university, that has a high transfer rate and large numbers of non-traditional students, for a variety of reasons. It is certainly possible to get a good local degree and then later on move out of the house. (I myself think dorm living is way overrated.)
I think if he is determined to go to the school three hours away, it is time to ask specifics about the dorms and also about available supports, the structure of the program, whether he feels comfortable among the other students in the program, etc. You might also want to line up a therapist/coach he would start talking with this summer whom he could meet with once a week, but who would also be available within a turnaround of an hour or two if he finds himself suddenly experiencing a surge of anxiety. He might also want to start out by planning to spend week-ends at home.
Thanks; we’ve done most of that. Looked very closely at the living and academic situation, done a lot of due diligence at the LAC. I think as far as going away, it is the closest fit to something that would work for him.
If he took the year off, he would take a couple of courses that are not easily duplicated where he wants to go (we’ve looked into that fairly carefully as well). He doesn’t want to feel like he’s ‘wasting time.’ Sports - nope LOL. Over the years I’ve tried everything on that score.
Coming home on the weekends from 3 hours away…I’m not sure how that would be managed. It’s a long drive (either for me - I don’t have 6 hours available every week to do that - or in a bus ride, which would take longer than that). I think it would be hard to get him back on the bus on Sunday afternoon. I also feel like if he needs to come home 150 miles each way on the weekends, he’s definitely not ready to live away.
Would the lovely small school accept him as a transfer? Is $ an issue?
My first thought is to let him take a partial load at local U, unless he wants to work part time. Later, he can try moving away. Does the small college have a summer program?
that being said, my acquaintance let her anxious DD attend the college 2.5 hours away. they got together almost every weekend. the following year, DD lived at home and attended a local college.
^ I’ve talked with the social worker at school, who knows my son very well, about the idea of starting and transferring. She thinks going into it with the idea of transferring to the LAC later is not the best plan for him, as supports that are built into the freshman experience will not be there for transfers. Self advocacy is not my son’s strong point.
And my son is somewhat rigid in his thinking (surprise). The idea of starting at college A and maybe transferring to college B depending on various nebulous (to him) factors is a tough sell. That’s where we (or more accurately, I) began seriously discussing deferral.
Money is a tangential issue. The local university would be low cost. The LAC, a lot more although he has both merit and need-based aid in his package. I’m more concerned with what’s best for him. Where is the balance between keeping him safe and comfortable at home and allowing him to spread his wings, if he chooses that, even though he is equal parts excited and terrified. As we know, people with neurotypical kids just don’t understand what a central role anxiety can play in the spectrum kid’s life.
I’m worried my son may have the idea - magical thinking - that although he does not want to leave home now at all (despite how much he likes this school), he’ll feel differently come August 31.
I don’t know how to be of help with that. My son wanted a top school in his field, so both colleges were plane flights away. He picked the one across country. I was concerned that he had no interest in bedding, new clothes, etc. The day before our flight west, when packing all my choices, he suddenly got sparked. we went to BB&B, bought all new stuff, and repacked. It was 2 AM when we finished, and caught an early flight. I don’t think it was quite real until the last minute. Somehow, 3 hour drive doesn’t seem so much to me. I’d probably look look into local motels, as one night with mom or dad in a hotel can ease those feelings of separation anxiety.
I just saw this thread. I was looking at RIT (Rochester Institute of Technology) and their pre-orientation program - they have a special one just for students with Aspergers/on the autistic spectrum, as well as an entire support program. Here is a link to their program: http://www.rit.edu/studentaffairs/ssp/ They have a section just for parents with some great links.
It’s devastating. It’s still devastating the second time. (she remarks sadly)
It’s a risk for anyone to go off to school, but I urge you to be honest with yourself and search your soul. If you honestly believe that if you send your child this fall he will fail, don’t do it, and don’t listen to people who don’t know him as well as you do, and who tell you that he will magically develop skills he has thus far not shown.
Many thanks for the replies, I truly appreciate all of them. @CardinalFang that is what I am trying very hard to do…a gut check, is he really going to be able to do this.
@MazeArtCrew sadly we have eliminated RIT. The wonderful spectrum support program was one of the reasons (and good finaid and a great major in his area of interest) that RIT has been extremely difficult to let go. In the end we decided that he needs to be closer than two plane rides or 12 hours on Amtrak and a bus.
With regard to what @bookworm stated, at 3 hours away I could get out there to check on him fairly often. That would work in a way that 2 plane rides away would not. But I can’t think of this in terms of possibly making 2 round trips every weekend (12 hours of driving) to bring him home and take him back. If he can’t do it unless he sees his own bed at home most weekends, I believe he needs to enroll locally and commute.
I am really wrestling with what I let him decide. My eternal struggle as a parent, I’ve always had trouble putting my foot down and saying, ‘you will do x.’
My heart goes out to you. My suggestion is that you should lay out the options but include your conditions, and then let him decide. If you choose for him, it could backfire if he resents your interference in his decision-making process. But if you stand firm on what you think are reasonable supports and/or conditions, you all can win. A smaller school that’s a great fit, WITH transitional support sounds perfect (unless he’s not ready to be away from home). Supports I wish I’d had in place for my Aspie-a counselor who could keep tabs on his coping/anxiety throughout the year (ds was supposed to do this as a condition of the Ped continuing to prescribe his meds-long story but the coordination of care wasn’t there. Have it in writing!!), a study counselor (schools have them) who understands your son’s challenges and who will meet with him regularly to assist in that transition (in college, without a regular schedule, organizationally impaired kiddos can flounder) by helping establish good study habits (in this way, YOU are not the one looking over his shoulder, which adds to his sense of independence). Maybe a small living community or topic-based dorm that will help him make friends (a special challenge for Aspies, and a downside to commuting or transferring later).
My son CHOSE a Big Box school away from home and insisted he was excited and ready even though he had about zero independence sr yr. He succeeded with the independence, which was a huge win, but he struggled with the academic transition (gt kid w no study habits, plus organizational challenges plus anxiety issues). I wish we’d had the above- mentioned supports in place beforehand. A smaller school would’ve been a better idea, too, but he hadn’t been interested in that.
Edit: check out mass transit options. Ds was able to easily take the bus back and forth the 3hrs although he only ended up doing it a few times. And the one time I sensed he was particularly stressed, I took a day off work and drove there For Lunch. Sure, it wasn’t a fun rt but it was doable and well worth my time (mom instinct had been right).
I want to thank the posters for all the wonderful information they have shared on this thread. I am the mother of a 16 year old son with Aspergers who is a high school sophomore. He is doing extremely well in high school. We are starting to look at colleges this summer and create a list. He seems to favor larger schools. Does any one have any insight into University of Michigan? It looks like they have an active Aspie community there.
To the OP: If you think Carnegie Mellon is a good prospect, I suggest you take a close look, onsight inspection, talking to staff there. I consider Carnegie Mellon (Pittsburgh) to be located in the Midwest. But admittedly it’s about 450 mi from Chicago. I also suggest that you look at the Univ of Chicago. Your son could perform well there. My son attended UofC and did well there. He was never dx’d with Asperger’s but we think he was somewhere on the spectrum. Chicago can accommodate individualists and “intellectuals,” kids who not only live the life of the mind but think differently.
Seems like you have described my son! We’ve researched schools that offer a reputable engineering program, CO-OP for job experience, AND a spectrum program that helps with executive functioning. That school would be RIT!! They have one of the leading programs in the nation for students with high function Austism - There are about 50 programs in the united States among various universities - Rutgers, Farleigh Dickinson, Carnegie Mellon, Please click the link below for more info for RIT’s Spectrum program. Best wishes for your boy!
As someone who has been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, I just want to advocate for letting the prospective students decide which schools they want to attend. My parents did not let me decide, sending me to a community college and having me transfer to a mediocre four-year school simply because it was nearby.
Now things have been a little tense because I feel I did not receive an education I was able to benefit from and my brother was allowed to go away to a good college, despite having serious issues of his own. I even overheard my dad saying he didn’t want my brother attending my four-year college because he didn’t want him attending a “Triple-A school” (Triple-A as in Triple-A baseball). I feel deceived and I feel my future has been hindered.
Simply put, not letting them decide runs the risk of creating conflict down the road.
I will be following this thread closely. Currently have a 16yo spectrum child. He gets good grades (3.8W) and very smart, but low social skills. (despite being outgoing). Surprisingly noone bullies him at HS. He compensates by being the “class clown”. AS i send my oldest to college, the thought of a kid, who barely remembers to brush his teeth, shower, shave, scares me. Wanting to study CS we will look into RIT. With no real EC’s hopefully they would even accept him. Yes, there are closer to home options, but still hopeful he will continue to grow/mature in the next two years. . I read here that having a single is good idea , which I did not think of. Are there any other decent programs for aspergers? I read about CMU, where I went to school, but to even get in, would be a crap shoot.
There is a college in Bellevue Washington (near Seattle). I think it was a two year school and is now becoming a four year school. It was a well regarded community college type school though changing and now I think they may have housing. They have a program called The Navigator program for autism spectrum students. I have heard thru my grapevine of parent friends with older kids (my aspie is in 9th) that it is a great program. Some kids after completing an associates can then transfer to a more traditional year school. Lots of support, executive function programs etc. Its on our radar as we are pretty certain our aspie daughter will need more support then a typical college would provide.