College grad now home :(

Parents Forum
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<p>I also agree with Chedva! I know exactly what she means. </p>

<p>I have one new college graduate who will be going to grad school in the Fall and one college student, both of whom dumped bags and boxes of stuff from school everywhere. I went from an organized house that was under control, to living in chaos with people who (1) are surly about being forced to come home from their wonderful college lives, and (2) who expect me to fall over myself with gratitude if they help with chores. I know from past experience that it will settle down in two or three weeks, but right now I miss my quiet house. </p>

<p>Groceries disappear overnight, and I’ve decided that there are some chores that I just can’t afford to ask for help with…(as a result of a kid’s budget-busting grocery shopping trip I now have $12 fresh grated Asiago cheese, pints of fresh rasberries, five gallons of ice cream, organic spinach and steaks in my refrigerator…). I’d gladly ship them back to their universities. My electric bill is skyrocketing, thanks to multiple computers running 24-7 now. Having unlimited hot water and being able to take 45 minute showers at college evidently is a hard habit to break. I can sense my water meter spinning and my bathroom wallpaper peeling from being soaked in steam, as I type.</p>

<p>When they first went to college, I loved having them home. As the years pass, it gets harder and harder for both of us. Sigh.</p>

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<p>Hopefully situations like this won’t mimic senior year of high school and the (nagging) application process.</p>

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<p>Neonzeus-
I could not agree more on all accounts!!</p>

<p>While I adore my kids, we have grown fond of our new lifestyle. Enter kids who almost act as though they are doing us a favor by being home for the summer. The other night my husband asked me, half joking, if there was not a summer program we could enroll them in :slight_smile: While we are still a close family, we are now very aware that we are 4 adults living under the same roof instead of parents and kids, and it makes it difficult. The food bill? I don’t want to even think about it! They are huge fruit eaters, which is great but very, very expensive. $10 yesterday alone!</p>

<p>As a sidenote…yesterday my daughter was a joy to be around all day, and not a complaint. Keeping fingers crossed for a response to just ONE job app!</p>

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<p>Maybe hearing this ad nauseum helps make the daughter feel crabby?</p>

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<p>You know what a spoiled brat you sound? Maybe at 15 they need a part-time job to buy their own apples?</p>

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<p>I think a few weeks of moping and complaining for such a disappointing outcome after doing all the right things for your entire life (I assume it took a very good HS record to go to a good LAC). I see it as almost akin to a real adult losing their job of 10 years at a company they liked. You DO NOT get over it in a week or two. In the first two weeks you are still busy plotting revenge scenarios. This is a VERY tough time for the kid who is adult but not quite yet really as she has been denied the next step that leads to true independent adulthood.<br>
So I’d say remember all the joy of having raised such a good kid and give her a break on this. If possible I’d consider paying for her to take a long trip to visit her college friends or maybe do a budget tour of Europe or somewhere she might like to explore for a few months while she regroups. I got out of undergrad in a recession and there were no jobs. I spent the summer at my old summer job and took a month trip to look at grad schools via road trip. In the Fall I signed up as a substitute teacher (You only needed a BA back then in anything) and did that until I left for grad school. It was a great temp job and I worked nearly every day. By the next year I was in grad school full-time and life was wonderful again. And there were jobs when I graduated. Several actually.</p>

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<p>Sorghum:
First off, I have never told my kids that they were somehow “intruding” on our new lives. We always welcome them with open arms, tell them how much we missed them and love them. So as far as telling them “ad nauseum” that we love being empty nesters…it just does not happen…as in, we have NEVER told them this. If anything, I think the fact that their father and I love and respect each other and enjoy each other after 25 years of marriage is a pretty great image for them.</p>

<p>As far as being 15 and needing a part time job to buy apples :)…My kids are WAY past 15, and an extra $300 a month in produce alone might not be a big deal to you, but it is huge for us. Paying off PLUS loans for their education as well as still having another in college is not exactly cheap, and every penny counts for us. Their education has always been our priority, so no complaints doing it, but we really have to watch our $$</p>

<p>Just to clarify…I have 2 wonderful kids that I am VERY proud of. Neither one is the least bit spoiled, entitled, or lazy. They are both good, decent people. I think that I made that pretty clear in my first post. But it does get frustrating to open our home to her with open arms while she is still establishing herself, only to be met with the attitude that she does not want to be there. I understand the emotions (I was there once myself), but I never verbalized it to my parents. I just sucked it up and did what I had to do.</p>

<p>This is a Parents forum that is a great way to say the things that you have on your mind anonomously without saying them elsewhere and get it off your chest. Sorry, but you are the one that sounds pretty spoiled and entitled to me.</p>

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<p>" I think a few weeks of moping and complaining for such a disappointing outcome after doing all the right things for your entire life (I assume it took a very good HS record to go to a good LAC). I see it as almost akin to a real adult losing their job of 10 years at a company they liked…So I’d say remember all the joy of having raised such a good kid and give her a break on this. If possible I’d consider paying for her to take a long trip to visit her college friends or maybe do a budget tour of Europe or somewhere she might like to explore for a few months while she regroups."</p>

<p>I disagree heartily.</p>

<p>I think that a college graduate is a young adult and it’s time for them to start acting like an adult. If their parents had lost their jobs --as many have in this economy – it wouldn’t have been OK for the parents to sit around whining all day. The parents would have had to hustle to do whatever they could to find work to feed their family, to keep their kids in college, etc.</p>

<p>The college grad who hasn’t yet found a job should be grateful to have a college education and to have parents who have welcomed her home. The college grad also need to keep hustling to look for work – any kind of work – to help contribute to the family. If the college grad needs a break (and frankly, I think that if anyone needs a break, it’s the parents who’ve been working and sacrificing to send their D to college all of these years), the college grad needs to find some kind of employment so they can go to Europe or wherever they choose to regroup.</p>

<p>Even better, though, would be if they found some kind of job – any job – and out of gratitude gave their hardworking parents a nice weekend vacation or something similar.</p>

<p>Certainly after they’ve graduated from a college that their parents helped send them to, our beloved offspring ought to know that life isn’t all about them and their angst, which is very minor in the overall scheme of life.</p>

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<p>right on Merecole…</p>

<p>I made really good beef stew 2 days ago… turns out my hs senior is taking it for his lunch, which made me lose it this morning… I don’t begrudge him good food…but, the beef stew is a dinner item, not gobble it down lunch… it costs a lot to make and it takes a lot of time…</p>

<p>I have never watched prices for food until this year… all of a sudden, I feel like an idiot if I buy things at “full price” instead of buying what is on sale… I never really planned meals, but at the rate my velociraptors consume food, I have to pay attention now. Sam’s Club is playing a larger role in our lives than ever before… </p>

<p>I am glad your daughter is settling into being home… it is such a rude awakening to be thrust back into a family routine… I know of a kid who runs betwn 2 and 4am and then sleeps in until 3pm…he has only been home for a week… we shall see how long this college acquired routine is in play while on the home front!!</p>

<p>Hang in there… and definitely, CC Parents Forum is for Parents, to cheer or vent or brag or question, etc etc etc… kids can play here, but only if nice!!</p>

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<p>“CC Parents Forum is for Parents, to cheer or vent or brag or question, etc etc etc… kids can play here, but only if nice!!”</p>

<p>“This is a Parents forum that is a great way to say the things that you have on your mind anonomously without saying them elsewhere and get it off your chest.”</p>

<p>I agree with both of these comments.</p>

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<p>Northstar–if you don’t think adults mourn and feel angry about the loss of their jobs you have no clue. So you sent your kids to college–you want a cookie??</p>

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<p>Barrons, you needn’t be rude. </p>

<p>I know that everyone mourns and feels angry about losing a job. BTDT. My point was that adults don’t get to sit around whining after losing a job. They don’t to take out their grief by whining to their family members who are helping them out. They don’t get trips to Europe or to see friends so they will feel better. </p>

<p>Instead, they have to act like adults – which means suck it up and hit the streets so that they can continue to support themselves and their families. Indeed, they may only have a home to live in and food to eat if they find a way to pay for those things.</p>

<p>Certainly, it’s disappointing to the college grad to not have a job yet. Still, she’s lucky to have a loving family to return to and to be able to live right now for free in comfortable surroundings – something that many college grads can’t do because their parents are poor or are not supportive. </p>

<p>Being disappointed doesn’t give the OP’s D the right to make her family miserable with her whining nor does that entitle her to a parent-paid trip to Europe so she’ll feel better.</p>

<p>If anyone is deserving of a trip to feel better, it’s the parents who’ve been working hard to send the D to college all of these years, and who haven’t had long summer vacations, spring and winter breaks like the D has been enjoying.</p>

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<p>Merecole, to get back to the original post, sometimes when I’m wallowing in self-pity, I don’t even realize how the deep the pit is, so I think quietly telling her that the whining is driving you crazy may be in order.
We are looking “forward” to this as well. I think all of us have mixed feelings, our empty nest should have started this fall, but now it probably won’t. Our DD’s life should have started already, now it is not. Many of her friends are going to exciting cities to live together in some continuation of college. We have offered to sponsor a few months with roommates, but she doesn’t see the sense in living in an expensive city and working as a waitress when she can live in a cheap city and work as a waitress (even if she got her own place down the street it would be cheaper), plus the job market is better here.</p>

<p>I may be naive, but I think we will mostly be fine, I think we can live parallel lives well, especially if she gets some type of work soon. SHe is planning on post-grad work within a year or so, that helps too. I’m more worried about her being lonely, not too many high school friends still around., and very far from her college friends.</p>

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<p>Northstar–rent The Graduate and have a glass of wine.
Stop being so high and mighty. Now that is rude IMHO. If you have a kid part of the job is to pay for college to the extent possible. I know of plenty of adults who lost jobs who are not jumping up and pounding the pavement. They are taking stock and living on their severance.</p>

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<p>It is really hard on them and us when that step into adult life doesn’t happen on schedule.</p>

<p>To encourage you both, last year at this time I thought my D who had graduated from a good LAC, started an interesting and potentially career building voluntary service program, then had to come home due to illness, would never leave our home. She spent 80% of her time in her bedroom on the computer. She had no friends in the area (we moved while she was in college) and was afraid to get out there again in case the illness flared up (it included dehabilitating headaches). </p>

<p>But I kept pushing, she kept sending out tentative feelers, and finally she took a part-time, entry level, hourly wage job in a field totally different from what she had planned at college graduation. We did subsidize some living expenses (to get her out of the house!). She’s smart, a good worker, and was motivated. Within 3 months she had been promoted to a full-time position. In 3 more months she was promoted again to a salaried position (with health insurance!) in a field she is excited about. Now, as long as the company doesn’t go under, she’s on her way!</p>

<p>Lots of good ideas from other parents for getting through this difficult time. All though it is probably hard for her to believe (and maybe for you too) things will change and opportunities will come as long as she keeps on pushing forward.</p>

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<p>Sorry, barrons, but are you honestly suggesting that parents, who have paid for college, who are struggling in the same economy as the college graduate, should dig deeper into their own pockets and send the kid to Europe??? You’re living in a different world than I am! I haven’t ever been to Europe. The money that we saved to pay for college, which would have lasted for 4 years a year ago, doesn’t anymore. But because the economy stinks and the kid can’t find a job, the parents should give up any chance of taking it easier to send the kid on vacation?</p>

<p>I don’t think so.</p>

<p>I know several businesses that are hiring. But the jobs are minimum wage, and even in this economy, people aren’t applying. That would be my suggestion for the kid. Not an all-expense paid (even budget) trip.</p>

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<p>Re: the trip to Europe…first of all, daughter would NEVER, EVER accept a trip to Europe from us. Secondly…it would never be offered :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I am positive that our situation will work out in the long run. It is just a tough few months in the interim. Even one response from her resume would be great at this point. She has done an impressive number of things for someone her age, and the lack of ANY replies is a little puzzling ;(</p>

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<p>“Stop being so high and mighty. Now that is rude IMHO. If you have a kid part of the job is to pay for college to the extent possible. I know of plenty of adults who lost jobs who are not jumping up and pounding the pavement. They are taking stock and living on their severance.”</p>

<p>Obviously, you live in a different world than I live in because the adults I know who have been laid off are desperate for work to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table, health insurance, and to keep their kids in college These adults aren’t able to sit back and mope, but are definitely pounding the pavement and sending out resumes to get a job so they aren’t out in the street. These are, incidentally, middle class, educated people who never thought this would happen to them. Some have doctorates. Some also, unfortunately, have large credit card debt. </p>

<p>If they got severance payments, they know it won’t go that far, and given the fact that they’re middle aged, they also know it will be extremely hard if not impossible to find jobs paying as much as the ones they’ve lost. </p>

<p>“I’m more worried about her being lonely, not too many high school friends still around., and very far from her college friends.”</p>

<p>Volunteering could be a good way, Cangel, for her to meet some people – whether or not those people are her age. One thing that new college grads often have to learn is to widen the age ranges of people whom they socialize with, and how to find friends in a variety of ways. When they get jobs, they may be one of only a couple of young adults in the firm, and those young adults may be busy with their spouses and little kids.</p>

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<p>Our college grad is now home too.
He has finished his school and has moved to the other side of the country to begin his adult life. He is in a beginner’s apartment, but he’s on the lease, he pays for it, it is his home, and he is truly understanding now what we meant by adult life. So far he loves it. Of course he’s always welcome to visit back in our home, but he is happy and proud that his new place is now his home.</p>

<p>I’m pretty much with Northstar on this one. This young person has grown, aged, expected to have matured, and has gone through years of job training(college). By now they are expected to be a self supporting adult, and should be treated as such. Some kids move out at 18, 19, 20, and support themselves even without the job training!</p>

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<p>We’re telling our kids the same thing our parents told us. We will pay what we can for your undergraduate degree, and then you’re on your own. Period. If it works out that we can help them occasionally (partial down payment on a house, etc.), we will, but we will not support them or let them live at home. </p>

<p>And yes, it WAS tough for DH and me. We got our enginnering grad degrees in May 1986 (I had a fellowship that paid for mine, and DH paid for his himself), the month the Texas economy tanked. DH had a pretty menial job at a university lab. We ate a lot of cheap food! We sent out almost 300 resumes all over the country, and ended up moving 2,500 miles from my parents.</p>

<p>Knowing that we DIDN’T have a safety net caused us to be independent and stand up for ourselves. Our parents could have helped us a lot. My dad makes a great salary as a professor and consultant, and DH’s parents were both physicians.</p>

<p>OK, start throwing rocks, but that’s where we stand. :-)</p>

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<p>We have a college grad and college sophomore at home now. The college grad finished very well at an Ivy, where he also had a bunch of jobs, and he has also worked very hard every break he has had, whether a week at Christmas or the summers. The OP’s daughter sounds like this. Our grad paid maybe 70% of his own tuition with all his work, and this year paid for all his food, meds, and, really for everything.</p>

<p>We are grateful to him for the way he has conducted himself, working so hard, doing well, and paying so much for his own schooling. He does have a job already set up in the fall, which makes a big difference, and he/we are very grateful for that.</p>

<p>This is the first time he has been home for more than a week, for a long time, and he is planning on being home and not doing anything at all, for two months. I think he deserves this, big time. He needs to rest and get centered amidst this big transition, before moving on to the next stage.</p>

<p>I think this is an important developmental stage that needs to be honored. There should be some sort of ritual, like they come home and retire to a big tent with others who are going through it (!). I think that kids need to be given whatever time they need to negotiate the loss of college and the demands of work and adulthood, at least, with reasonable limits (a few months?). It needs to be solid.</p>

<p>That said, whether a college grad, a spouse, or a younger child, I would say that everyone in a house is responsible for the atmosphere, and that this young woman should be asked to contribute to the atmosphere, rather than detract from it.</p>

<p>It sounds like this grad is a wonderful person who is hard working, and smart. I always think that growth and decisions about the future are better (and more mature) when the kid comes to it naturally, from within, rather than having it imposed. And a job at a Fast Food place really takes a lot of energy, so it is actually harder to make progress on future plans.</p>

<p>The recession is relevant here, for both the grad (no jobs) and the parents (money worries). But it takes a lot of psychic energy for some kids (and often the ones with some “depth”) to leave college and friends, and the independence there, and redefine a relationship with parents, while also planning and taking action for the future.</p>

<p>Sometimes, if we follow our angry parental responses with a little patience and even kindness, it can go a long way, and I am sure the OP is doing that too.</p>

<p>At least, that is what works in my house, and all three of mine are pulling their weight, as of now :)</p>