<p>Hi all,
I have posted using another name before, and am using a new one so I can post anonomously.</p>
<p>My newly graduated 22 year old is now home. She was the ultra responsible type all her life, recently graduating cum laude from a top 20 college with a double major while holding 2 jobs. She has lived on the other side of the country from us for 4 years while in college, but coming home on breaks (which she really enjoyed and looked forward to). She does not yet have a job lined up, and she is miserable. </p>
<p>Our youngest started college this past fall, and we were empty nesters for the first time, and LOVED it. Although our college-grad daughter is usually the sweetest person imaginable, she now does not miss an opportunity to tell us how she really hates it at home, she is too old to be at home, how awful it is at home, and it has only been a week! I find that I am getting quite resentful, as we love her and are happy to have her and help her out until she finds a job, but we are also giving up our new found "freedom" as empty nesters (did I mention before that we are really enjoying it? :) )</p>
<p>On some level I also feel guilty, as she knows that we had always hoped that she would come back to settle somewhere in the area (not WITH us, mind you). I don't think that is why she came back here (we live in a very nice part of the country), but I feel guilt about it anyway. Since she did not have a job lined up, she had to leave her college town, her friends, her boyfriend, etc. She also loved her 2 jobs there, but since they both had a firm end date, it was not an option to stay with them. Basically her entire life has been pulled from beneath her, which is why I have tried to be very patient with her moods and statements about how awful it is here. At this point, I am encouraging her to look for jobs in her college town as well as here, but it is so tough out there nothing has happened yet.</p>
<p>I had been really looking forward to having her back in the area, but this has been pretty awful. Thanks for letting me vent (and ANY suggestions very much appreciated:) )</p>
<p>Go read the Has She Found a Job Yet thread on this forum. excerpt from there: “Monster, Vault, Careerbuilder, Hotjobs.com, WashingtonPost.com, Craigslist, Linkedin.com all offer searchable job postings (try “entry level” or “new grad” as search parameters). Idealist.com is an excellent source of entry level jobs in the non-profit sector.” We’ve started already with our rising senior in college D. Gonna be tough.</p>
<p>Why don’t you just tell her what you’ve told us: You love her, but her constant venting is making you miserable. If she needs to vent, you can suggest that she do it to her friends or a journal.</p>
<p>It really is time for her to grow up and take responsibility for herself, too. Instead of spending so much time venting, she’d be better off following up on contacts, polishing and sending out her resume, etc. Doing this takes as much time as a fulltime job, and if she’s to be successful, she needs to start doing that. </p>
<p>Time for her to rise to the challenges of adult life. Childhood is over. </p>
<p>It also would be reasonable to expect her to sign up with a temporary job agency to do some work to get contacts and to help pay for her current expenses. </p>
<p>And does she have any duties around the house? That also would be important – to give her chores like presumably everyone else in the house has. Being home shouldn’t feel like an extended vacation. Also if she is uncomfortable, that would give her more incentive to do the hard work that will be required to find a job so she can move out.</p>
<p>I don’t see any reason for you to feel guilty. You didn’t force her to come back. She is an adult and can make her own decisions – including doing whatever work she can to support herself wherever she chooses to live. I know many recent grads who are doing things like waitressing so they can live on their own while searching for permanent jobs that match their career goals.</p>
<p>I am sort of in the same situation; just graduated and am now at home waiting to hear from jobs (the one position I interviewed with told me that they’d let me know this week so I’m keeping my fingers crossed!)</p>
<p>I find myself getting frustrated sitting around at home doing nothing too, because I’ve been here for close to a month now. I think part of it is that it’s a big adjustment going from being busy all the time at college and having tons of people that are your age around all the time to the complete opposite of that. </p>
<p>There’s also pretty much nothing to get out and do in the town where my family lives, and I don’t have too many friends here because I went to high school in a different town, so I can’t really get out of the house much and go do something. Additionally, I don’t feel like I can truly unpack all my stuff and put it away here at home, because if I get an offer soon, then I’ll likely have to move into an apartment (I think the college stuff in the living room is driving my mom nuts :)</p>
<p>I’m finally getting to a point now where I can just relax and enjoy having nothing to do for the first time in a long while, but it was hard at first. That’s just how I see things from my perspective; I would just try to tell her to hang in there and keep looking for work; that’s what I’m trying to do. Good luck!</p>
<p>" find myself getting frustrated sitting around at home doing nothing too, because I’ve been here for close to a month now. I think part of it is that it’s a big adjustment going from being busy all the time at college and having tons of people that are your age around all the time to the complete opposite of that. "</p>
<p>Surely there are some local organizations that would welcome your help as a volunteer. You’d get out of the house, and would be meeting people, making valuable contacts and getting experience that might help you get a job. And, of course, you’d help some worthy cause.</p>
<p>I also imagine that your parents would welcome your help around the house. Perhaps the basement, garage or attic needs cleaning. You could prepare meals, take care of the garden, etc. You don’t have to choose to sit around doing nothing but waiting for a permanent job.</p>
<p>What you’re going through is good prep for the work world, too. There may not be single people who are your age for you to hang out with at your new work place. Instead, there may be people who have families and other obligations. Your choice may be to go home after work and twiddle your thumbs or to find interesting things to do in the community. The easy social network of college is gone. Now is the time for you to find independently the kinds of activities that make you happy.</p>
<p>what did she major in? She sounds well-qualified and very smart, and not a slacker w/2 jobs and a double major. You must be proud of her. It has to be very frustrating for someone who has worked so hard in college to feel like there was no reward for all the work. Be patient and enjoy your time w/her, she sounds like the type who will land on her feet and find her place. In the meantime keep doing what you were doing whether it was going golfing, to the movies, traveling. You can support her at home, but she needs to realize you are on w/the next phase of your life.</p>
<p>I didn’t mean for that to be misconstrued as that I’m doing absolutely nothing; I’ve been helping out by driving my brother’s school carpool a lot since my mom is currently working out of town a lot of days and it’s hard for her to get them to school. I also have become the laundry fairy and generally try to run errands that don’t get done because my parents are pretty busy.</p>
<p>Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to be at home this long - I feel that I have a pretty good shot at getting the job that I mentioned in my previous post based on some comments that were made to me during my interview. They originally were supposed to let me know about two weeks ago, but told me they’d need some more time due to some other (unrelated) issues that came up. If they turn me down this week, I do have a place where I can go volunteer until I get another offer.</p>
<p>Figure something out- take on a project, volunteer, tutor at the high school - stop complaining- you’re home for a reason - financial support - suck it up and be positive.</p>
<p>That’s good, juba2jive. Given the recession, it’s not surprising that a job would come through later than they and you had anticipated. Employers have financial reasons now to delay making new hires.</p>
<p>Enjoy the last opportunity for R&R you’ll get for a long time. Once employed, you’re not likely to get a vacation again for close to a year. You’ll be lucky if you get a couple of days off in a row for things like Christmas.</p>
<p>I returned home after I graduated from college. I got a job in September. Tell her to just keep applying to jobs. Volunteer in the community. She needs to stay focused and optimistic.</p>
<p>I live in Michigan, not exactly the kind of place with plenty of jobs.</p>
<p>juba2jive: are you sure you are not my daughter? Your post sounds exactly like what my daughter is probably feeling (and I know that the boxes in MY living room are driving me crazy, too…) It sounds like you have thing in perspective now and that it is only a matter of time until you will be off on your own. Good luck on that job!</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice on the job websites, Northstarmom. I know she has tried quite a few of them, but will pass them on to her anyway. She has about 20 apps out there now, without even an interview request as yet. </p>
<p>Pleaseadvise, she is certainly not a slacker…you are right there. Yes, we are very proud of her, but she now needs to buck up and rise to the challenges of adulthood…I don’t mean to sound harsh as it has been only a week, but this tough period she is going through now is the stuff real life is made of…I am sure she will end up landing on her feet, but the complaints about having to be at home are getting old VERY quickly-</p>
<p>I was going to suggest that, juba2jive, but you beat me to it.:)</p>
<p>To the OP: I remember that feeling (as the young person) as if it were yesterday: the discomfort of retreating into less independence than college life, against age, as well as the frustration of not being on the career path yet. So my tendency is to empathize with anyone coming home to that, even when they’re being unpleasant. </p>
<p>However, constant complaining is not o.k. Being constructive is. I would encourage the D to earn $ while home: literally get paid for housekeeping (more than her room), for truly planning/cooking/shopping for meals, and even for running errands. Additionally, with spare time, volunteering if possible in her chosen field. Temporary jobs (through agencies) are another outlet, while she’s planning a ‘real life.’ </p>
<p>Griping about someone who is giving you something for nothing doesn’t keep her focused or optimistic. I agree with NSM that, as parents, you have to let her know that her complaining has to stop.</p>
<p>I’m not certain there is really anything the OP can do about this, except to continue to be patient and self-aware, and to keep lines of communication open with the daughter. I completely understand why the daughter is upset and crabby – who wouldn’t be in that situation? Also, I am not certain what empty-nest freedoms the parents should be giving up, except maybe sex on the kitchen counter in the middle of the day (if applicable). But I think everyone should be able to talk about their issues honestly and come to some accommodation. The daughter doesn’t want to be a child living at home again, and the parents don’t want a child living at home, so they should come up with a reasonable set of understandings that are different from the rules when she was in high school or home for vacation, and then hope the situation resolves itself naturally.</p>
<p>We just dodged this bullet, with a last-minute job offer from a source our child had given up on. It was a very similar situation, except our child had only one major and three paying jobs, all of which ended with graduation. (There was one where she had some hope of being hired permanently, until the office where she was employed was eliminated, and the supervisors who loved her fired, a month ago.) We had agreed to continue paying the monthly amount we had paid towards her living expenses while she was in college for three more months while she looked for a job in the location of her choosing, but then she was going to have to come home and look from here. We love her dearly, and she us, but neither side was looking forward to that situation. As things stand, we are probably going to wind up paying more than that to help her move and find a place to live in a new, more expensive city, since the money from the new job isn’t really going to start until the end of August. (It’s nonprofit, so no lavish relocation bonus or anything like that.)</p>
<p>Our daughter had been working diligently on finding a job since September; we had nothing to criticize her for on that score. In fact, the job she got related to lines she had put out in the fall; her more recent efforts seemed to be yielding nothing. This has been extremely hard on her – she is a planner, and coming to the end of her college career with no idea what she was doing next was completely out of character for her, and gave rise to all sorts of irrational panics and depressions.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to the OP and her daughter. Good luck!</p>
<p>Merecole,
the situation your daughter is in is completely tied to the implosion of the US economy and is not a reflection on her… so, reading thru these posts, I agree with Northstarmom and suggest you figure out a way to challenge your D’s complaints about being home… just not when she is actually complaining… and also, figure out a way to let her know how surprised you were to realize how wonderful it was/is to be an empty nester… again, in a non-threatening way… maybe do lunch with your D and discuss the big picture of her life, ie jobs, marriage, kids, grandkids, kids coming home… spousal time… </p>
<p>and finally, perhaps you and your Hubby should consider a vacation yourself now, where you go away and leave the kids home alone… take advantage of enjoying your alone time someplace else… and it might also help force your kids to realize how much they appreciate all you do for them while they are at home? perhaps from their time running the house while you are away, can come the discussions about which chores they will own going forward. </p>
<p>I laughed about the boxes in the living room because just last night a girlfriend told me that when she brought home her youngest last week from freshman year of college, he was under strict orders to bring each and every box into his own bedroom. Under NO circumstances was he to stop or even pause in the living room or any common rooms in their home while carrying a box!! </p>
<p>This is a very temporary situation… and it will get better as everyone finds their groove, but what I heard loud and clear from your post was that you are sacrificing and it is not understood nor appreciated… and it is a legitimate disappointment. So, I say take a night or a weekend or a week off and go someplace with your hubby to remind your kids of your own needs/wants.</p>
<p>csleslie is the one who provided the job websites. :)</p>
<p>As for me, I think you need to tell her what you’ve told us: You empathize with her concerns, but it’s depressing for her to keep using you as a person to vent to. She needs to find other of handling her stress.</p>
<p>“Being constructive is. I would encourage the D to earn $ while home: literally get paid for housekeeping (more than her room), for truly planning/cooking/shopping for meals, and even for running errands.”</p>
<p>I wouldn’t pay my kid for doing things like that around the house. The young adult can earn money by offering to do those things for other people or by working some other kind of temp job. The young adult should be grateful for the help that her parents have offered by helping send her to college. The parents already are doing a lot by allowing her to live home rent free. As an adult, the D needs to find a productive way to deal with her stress. That could be by finding some temp work or by filling her time by doing volunteer work or by filling her time doing as a service things that her parents need to be done around the house. I’m sure her parents did lots to help her while she was in college. Now’s a good time for her to return the favor.</p>
<p>Even in good economic times, it’s not unusual for students not to find jobs until a few months after college graduation. The D is lucky she’s not unemployed with a family to support. Now is the time to teach her how to deal with life’s curve balls. One doesn’t deal with these things by complaining to the people who are helping you.</p>
<p>“Sweetheart, I understand that you are frustrated and that this is not the future you saw for yourself after graduation. It’s not the future we saw for you either. However, I am not your dumping ground or your doormat. This is my home, too and I need the ability to enjoy it. Even if you are having a hard time, you need to be respectful of us and of our house. We will support you in every way we can, but we cannot do it if you are constantly complaining to us. You are an adult and you must behave like one.”</p>
<p>Just like you did when she was 5 and spoke to you disrespectfully.</p>
<p>I also disagree that the “college stuff” should remain in the living room and not put away because “it’ll just have to be packed again when I get a job and move out.” So? Pack it again. She cannot be allowed to see your home as a hotel or “waystation.” Although everyone hopes that her stay will be brief, while she is there it is her home and must be treated respectfully. The more she feels that she has a “home base” the easier it will be to find a job. A different viewpoint will show in her attitude, and even in her cover letters.</p>
and generally try to run errands that don’t get done because my parents are pretty busy.</p>