I appreciate each reply but would like to hear more experiences or advice from parents with 18+ young adults away at out of state colleges (currently or in recent years) as high school or local college dating experiences are very different in most ways.
I wouldn’t want to intervene in any way but would like to know how to support with respect for their boundaries so if it turns out to be a serious relationship, there are no bruised feelings but loving anticipation for joining the family. From my life experiences and observations, keeping good relations with their SO/spouses is one of the best gift one can give to their adult kids.
I think the overall idea is let the kid dictate how and if you meet the SO or the parents. As I said earlier, with my D, her OOS bf (both attended college OOS), we just invited him if we went to lunch while visiting. After it was clear they were a real couple, and because he lives a fair distance from us, we let him stay the night here, with her, when he visited.
Just do what you are comfortable doing. Ask your kid what makes him or her comfortable. There are no rules.
That was a decision we made, too. Our 3rd had the first out of state boyfriend, but sleeping arrangements were a little easier since her bedroom at home is in the attic, technically 2 room with a bed and a futon. Last summer my 23, 22 and 19 year old had their SO’s come in vacation with us plus my sister and her teens, plus my 17 year olds, the couples has their own bedrooms. My 20 year old started dating her boyfriend fall of freshman year, same dorm, met at orientation, and like all college relationships, including platonic, they got close faster than if they were in a dating situation outside of college. I’ve liked every person my adult children have dated, but don’t treat it like a marriage (my 23 year old’s girlfriend broke up with him a week after graduation after 2 1/2 years of dating). Even though they were in college 1 1/2 hours away, her parents lived 20 minutes from us so she didn’t stay much.
In an attempt to show unconditional acceptance and support, I’ve very likely gone a bit overboard. Our 20 yr old is home for the summer and has met someone here. I knew he was dating a bit at school, but this seems a little more serious even though it’s only been a few weeks.
I researched and purchased the best/most popular lube for gay men.
I’ve invited him to our beach vacation at the end of the summer.
Allowed sleepovers in the same bed… although I did take S aside and reminded him he shares a wall w/ a 13 yr old, be respectful. Thankfully, S has the room w/ the en suite bath so that’s not an issue.
Will ask today if more condoms are needed. He can certainly purchase for himself, but just want to plant the reminder in his brain to monitor his supply.
And then just the obvious cooking, cleaning, genuinely showing love and concern for the boy as a person, and them as a couple. Apparently the box of dozen donuts left on the counter the first day of summer classes was a huge hit!
I can’t imagine getting involved at all in my kids’ intimate lives. No researching, no purchasing, etc. I suppose if they asked me, maybe, but they appear to have been quite capable on their own.
When they’ve had friends over post high school they’ve always been able to decide if they want the same bed or bedroom or not. That’s about as far as it goes.
If my folks had gotten involved with my intimate life I’d have been livid, so that likely colors how I’ve treated my guys.
Well, this thread has taken an interesting turn. Lol.
I did buy a box of condoms and put it in my son’s drawer when he was about 15. Of course we had plenty of sex talks with both kids at around that age. Except for the occasional unnecessary, but completely parental standard “I hope you two are being safe…” (followed by eye roll), there is no discussion of that aspect of my kids’ relationships.
I think that’s assuming a lot. I do not get involved with my kids’ sex lives. My kids and their SOs didn’t stay in the same room until they were out on their own. They stayed in separate rooms, but I didn’t do midnight checks.
My kids are older, when they were in their 18+ college age, I used to meet their BFs pretty early on (dinner, coffee), but not meeting their parents until they were serious. D1 did invite her now in-laws to her college graduation party. D2 is living with her BF of 5 years and I only met them right before Covid because they were coming into town.
I think that’s a lot, but I can see making the effort to show 100% of a gay relationship. I knew when my daughters were sexually active, I took them to get bcp. Now that they’re 18+ they take care of it on their own (make appointments, chose methods they are comfortable with).
I took my D to the ob/gyn and she started taking bc pills senior year of HS as she was having debilitating cramps (the pills helped tremendously). I never got involved in either kids sex lives other than to mention if they are active and single that they should be using protection (and enjoy watch them cringe as I say it LOL).
In terms of meeting the SO’s parents both in college and beyond we have left it to the kids to organize any meeting. We did meet my D’s college bf’s parents a couple of times briefly (they were lovely) and we met her (now) husband’s parents during a brunch the kids set up when things started to look serious (also very lovely people).
We just told our kids we loved them as themselves. We’d only be disappointed if they were illegal drug dealers, pimps, or terrorists of any sort.
Then we taught them that their bodies would clue them in as they grew up and not to take anyone’s word about anything they “should” be. They’re the only ones who will truly know. But we did all this well before high school. By middle school kids are already labeling each other based upon what they “think” unfortunately.
Imho this is a serious and beneficial topic for all families. For all we know, one parent’s joke can be other parent’s reality so it would be nice to refrain from sarcasm or criticism.
I think my folks handled it well with all of us who had relationships in college and grad school. They were welcoming enough of anyone we wanted to invite to any meals with the family but not effusive. They also allowed us to have serious SO’s fly to our family home and spend some time as guests. (It was only males and they would sleep in the boy’s bedroom with our brothers.)
My folks never met the families of our SO’s until or unless there was an engagement. It worked for everyone.
Different strokes (no pun intended) but my away kids do not stay in the same bedroom as their SO when they visit our house or we go on vacation, at this point in their lives (24 and 21). They know that is our rule. If they are living with someone? OK probably. Engaged? Sure. But not just because they have a long term SO. It does not keep them from coming to visit or vacationing with us.
I also tried to follow the kids’ lead. I’d ask if the boys wanted to invite friends/GF to a meal with us when we visited. Kids could pick who got to come. I was courteous and curious and tried not to pry too much. I was lucky and the boys DID want us to meet GFs. We took everyone to somewhere fancy and ordered tons of food.
Visits to us? I asked how many rooms to make up. We did let them stay together. No GF invited on vacations, not yet. We are getting close to that, though, with a more serious relationship for one kid. GFs came to grandparent homes when a holiday was celebrated there. No sleeping together at grandparents house!
Most of the sex talk was in HS. I may have reminded them once or twice in college to be careful and use birth control and also to be careful about having sex when drinking.
We met parents at graduation. It made sense because of the occasion and because the relationship had lasted so long. We follow each other on FB.
I try to be welcoming and friendly and find out about the GFs. If GF was present at a gift giving holiday, I’d get her something small so she would be included. Generally, as others have said, I treat each GF as if she might be “the one” but also don’t get too attached.
My talk with each was largely “Treat your partner with respect. Make sure you use birth control.”
ShawWife helped ShawD with birth control.
When they had SOs, we let them know that we were comfortable with them sharing a bedroom in our home (especially since they were sharing a bed at the dorm or apartment). One of ShawSon’s GFs was scared to do so because that would have been third rail stuff in her family.
Our feeling was like @Lizardly: Assume this one might be the one.
With ShawSon’s last GF, we didn’t think it would be a great choice for him. So, when I was visiting, I said, “If you want to marry her, we will be 100% behind you. But, if you are not sure, I see several red flags.” I went through them. He wasn’t totally happy with me, but they split up at the beginning of the pandemic. He started dating someone else and is now engaged. She is pretty fantastic – a big improvement in all dimensions.
Not out of state but 3 hours away (fwiw several OOS colleges would be closer to home than the 3 hours in-state). As others have said, we let her lead. She dated a boy for 8 months, from another college in the neighboring town to hers. She liked him but never felt it was going anywhere serious enough to warrant us meeting him. She was right. Her next boyfriend (turned future husband, come this October), we met after 2 months. She brought him home for the weekend so they could go to an NFL game in our city. She actually waited for me to come home from being away for the weekend, so I could be sure to meet him. This told me it was serious - and it was!
As far as gifts, again I let her tell me when it reaches a stage that gifts are appropriate. For college-aged kids (and older) I don’t find it necessary to meet the parents until there is an engagement, unless it can be done naturally - like in the case of my daughter, when she graduated from college and invited his parents to a large friend group grad party.
We have been afraid to meet the parents unless our child indicated it was really serious. ShawSon’s first GF was not destined to turn into the real deal. He was besotted with her and, as far as we could tell, she didn’t really show the same in return. She was quite attractive and dressed well above the college norm and as far we could tell this relationship was about exploring sex. Not that she wasn’t bright or interesting. She was (she graduated summa with a major in English and a minor in CS). But, that was our assessment. Her father (her parents were divorced) requested that we meet. We asked ShawSon if there was something we ought to know. He said no. You two run in the same circles (both lots of fancy degrees and are part in and part out of the academic world) and he just wanted to meet. We did and it turned out that one of my friends from college was the dean at a well-known professional school who had recruited her father to teach there.
ShawSon’s last GF was an immigrant from China who came when she was young and so was bicultural. Her parents parents were culturally Chinese and the father didn’t speak much English. Lots of interesting cross-cultural things for ShawSon to navigate/explore when he visited. Protocol on gifts, for example. And very interesting views of Jews (we are Jewish). They were hoping to meet us. We had the feeling that that culturally this would be a significant step and we avoided it until ShawSon had made up his mind about the future of the relationship.
In contrast, we met ShawD’s current BF’s mother quite soon. We knew people in common and they live a few towns away – he had actually been in our house for an event hosted by ShawSon although ShawSon did not know him. We had her over early on, maybe for a birthday celebration for our daughter (or her son?). I walked over to her to say hello and make small talk and she said to me, “ShawD is the one. I sure hope my son doesn’t screw it up. He’s capable of it.”
We met my D’s last college boyfriend only because he was helping her move back home when school closed during Covid last year. He stayed for dinner before driving home. The relationship didn’t last long at all and I’m sure we wouldn’t have met him in normal circumstances.
I wouldn’t expect to meet parents until an engagement or some similar committment.
My daughter started dating her boyfriend right at the end of freshman year. She was invited to his family’s annual vacation at the Jersey shore so met his family there. I think I met him her sophomore year spring break (they were both playing a sport so had to stay on campus) and it was either that year or the next I met his brothers, one who was attending their school and the other visiting. I have never met his parents even though they’ve been to my town. He spent at least one Christmas here so he received some gifts. Now he and D live about 3 miles from here so we see them all the time.
My other daughter went to school much closer to home (about 2.5 hours) so she made it a point to bring the guys home. I really liked her 1st college boyfriend but he was very shy and I don’t think he was ever comfortable visiting. He received gifts when he was here for Christmas. Current boyfriend? He is also not too comfortable around us either (not due to shyness) and always wants her to go to his mother’s house for holidays. He’s in the army so living far away now. I did meet his mother and stepfather once, and I did meet his father for just a few minutes once. When my father died, BF’s mother sent a very nice flower arrangement.