Hi… My daughter and her boyfriend (first real boyfriend) were dating for 2.5 years. The boyfriend is a year older and went to a junior college in town to wait for my daughter to graduate and choose a college. He then applied to same college and now goes there. My daughter lives in on campus housing and the boyfriend got a studio off campus (3 blocks away from dorm). It has been 4 days and my daughter already slept at his place. I am glad she told me but I am a mess. I never wanted the boyfriend to follow her to college but couldn’t do anything about it and I want her to have a full college experience - not a go to class and hang out with boyfriend experience. I am having such a hard time and need some advice or tips on how to handle.
You can’t do anything about it. I suggest not trying.
And what they’re doing may not lead to an inferior experience. It’s not necessary to have lots of sex with strangers to get the most out of college.
Take up drinking??
JK
But agree- not much you can do. Better to keep the lines of communication open than closed. He could possibly end up as your SIL so don’t burn bridges.
She did choose to stay at his place vs going to a house party with her roommates which I guess is a good thing since she chose not to party per se… but feel that she is picking safety vs meeting new friends.
It sounds almost stupid to say this, but you clearly need to hear it: Your kids don’t always do what you wish they would do. That’s true even when you are clearly 100% right about what they ought to do. And you know perfectly well in your heart that you are almost never 100% right about what they ought to do.
Good luck. I assume she’s an adult, so unless you want to tell her you’ll stop paying for her college unless she stops seeing him, I’d think twice about pushing the issue.
Firstly, you say “the boyfriend”. You’ve met him? She’s met his parents? She didn’t hide hi from the family for 2.5 years?
Second, do you think that she’s going to ignore all the social opportunities at college, and him ignore his social opportunities as well, to just “hang out”?
As someone who lived with my boyfriend more than half the time I was an undergraduate, we both has our own Greek organizations and clubs, and majors, and even when we were in the same class, people didn’t realize we were living together.
The only thing you can do at all, IMHO, is perhaps encourage that she joins clubs or activities, without pushing that he not join the same thing. Music, off campus trips, volunteer organizations, many colleges have hundreds of clubs.
They will stay together or not. You’ve had “the talk” by now about finishing college before having a kid I’m sure.
When my mom found out I was living with someone, she was relieved that I had someone to watch out for me on a campus of 20,000 students. If you aren’t worried about domestic abuse, I’d say keep a low profile and count your blessings.
I married my college live-in boyfriend and have thirty years with him and a bunch of kids that we started having almost 10 years after we started living together. It can work out.
OP, I imagine you saw this coming, right? Did you talk to her making sure that she forms friendships with people at school? If so, I don’t think there is much you can do except to keep encouraging that. I feel for you. This would really bother me.
Kids have a way of digging in their heels when we disapprove… In my experience, the opposite approach has usually worked. Embrace the beau, make him feel welcome in your family… Say nothing negative about him or the situation. Odds are the relationship will not last throughout college, but if it does, you will at least have a good relationship with the person who means so much to her… And a better connection with your daughter as a result.
Yes we know him and his family well. He is a nice kid just a little of a jealous type - which is natural for people their age I believe. His mom wants the to get married and live together in college. She has the belief of they are better together so why not be together.
I have the belief of stay together if happy but enjoy life and then decide to get married after finishing school, my daughter believes the same and thinks the mom is crazy.
I met my current husband of 20 years my freshmen year of college and basically lived with him for my college career. I guess I am having feelings of regret of not enjoying my friends more while in college… I was in a sorority and had a blast but missed out on “girl time”. Writing this I guess I am just projecting my own regrets on my daughter situation.
She is paying her own college and we are helping her pay loans when she graduates. I think it puts more responsibility on the child that way and she is majoring in special education and there are loan forgiveness programs out there so we are waiting and see what we have to pay in the end all.
Yes my husband and I talked about it a ton… but in a positive light - like enjoy your roommates and all college can provide, etc… and have told her to get her boyfriend to also enjoy and utilize all college clubs, etc…it’s only been 4 days so I know I am missing her as well but still I wanted her to go to college and live in dorm and not be staying with him so soon…
You can vent to us, but don’t say any more to her. As @cameo43 pointed out, she will just dig in her heels. I know from personal experience! My dad didn’t want me to continue dating my HS boyfriend when I got to college - that made me even more determined to keep seeing him. Even though in the long run, Dad was right, of course! 
As long as you have had the talks with her about birth control, not having kids too soon, and prioritizing her education for the benefit of her whole life, the only thing I would do is require my D to have separate housing until she graduates. Not because of disapproval, but because of possible consequences if they break up. They can be together as they choose, but I think that when education is the priority, having separate space can prevent potential problems.
As far as spending time with him instead of others, eh. There is more than one way to have a good experience, and others may couple up over the years.
@zoosermom - your post made me a feel a lot better. The separate living space perfect advice. :-*
Happy to help! I mean if you’re paying for it, you can require that separate space exists. You can’t require that she use it every night, but it’s there if she needs it. You could cloak it as “what if you have finals on different days and one needs to study later and one needs to get up earlier” or “if one of you gets sick, you will be glad to sleep peacefully.” But you really know it’s just to prevent disaster in the event they break up.
You people need to lighten up. No parent wants to think their daughter is doing certain things while away at college. I was merely pointing that out.
To the OP, sometimes a change in venue changes the relationship. The fact the boy friend is a bit jealous might make staying together at college tough. Good luck!
I understand why you’re upset. I’m a parent, but many years ago, I followed my boyfriend to college. It was a huge mistake. He wanted to date other people as soon as he got there. I ended up transferring my sophomore year. There’s really not much you can do except let it play out. That’s what my parents did. Never questioned my decision, just let life happen.
At first I could not understand what the problem was. Reading about your own experience, I can see why you are feeling this way. I think we have all had reactions to some things our kids do that seem to repeat mistakes in our own lives. I admire you for having that insight. I hope it can lead you to feel better about your daughter who is a different person living a different life, as you well know 
@miller5381 I’m really sorry about this…it would really bum me out too. My older sister is dealing with the same situation with her own daughter…her D and boyfriend dated in high school…he waited to see where she was accepted and then went there…she transferred for her junior year and he moved again to be on the same campus…and now (and this is incredible to me) she’s going to a 1-year grad school program and he has transferred to the same freakin campus!! they are an on & off again couple…she’s always the one that breaks up with him…but he manages to always physically be where she is so anytime she feels lonely, etc. she runs back to him. It’s really been a mess…she’s never had the chance to date anyone else or even experience what it feels like to be alone…
At least the boyfriend is also in school and not just hanging around. Agree - maintain a separate residence and keep the line of communication open with her. Talk to her about her future plans and encourage her to study hard.